Husband having issues processing special needs

[Anonymous]

We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

[Anonymous]

It's unfortunate but I think that a lot of men display anger when they are feeling hurt or confused or anxious.

Just as a warning, it is quite common for dads to reject a diagnosis and deny the kid's issues. Usually this resolves over time as they get used to the idea and the differences between their kid and other kids becomes more apparent. But it can take a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

[Anonymous]

Also, not to put the cart before the horse but if you do end up in the SN community, getting to know other SN dads/families will likely help. My DH has several work friends who also have kids with similar issues and they get a lot of mutual emotional support from each other. I also think talking about it with other dads has helped him become more open, informed, and perceptive about our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

All of this. He needs time, other SN dads, and if he's in denial of the issues he needs more time observing your child with other children who don't have the same needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

Which I totally get, but I need him to not walk into a meeting with the school refusing "labels" or "accommodations" that our child might need.

It also irritates me because we have a child that has accommodations for other reasons and he's never gotten angry about it because that child is extremely brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Well he can take that time but he needs to keep himself in check when he's around his child. An adult wife can give him space and understanding but if he traumatizes his child I would not soon forgive.

[Anonymous]

[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

Which I totally get, but I need him to not walk into a meeting with the school refusing "labels" or "accommodations" that our child might need.

It also irritates me because we have a child that has accommodations for other reasons and he's never gotten angry about it because that child is extremely brilliant.

A second child with SN or other challenges can be overwhelming. Give him time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

Which I totally get, but I need him to not walk into a meeting with the school refusing "labels" or "accommodations" that our child might need.

It also irritates me because we have a child that has accommodations for other reasons and he's never gotten angry about it because that child is extremely brilliant.

He was probably much more able to accept and/or justify that one because of the brilliance. I’m sorry that this is so tough and I’d be mad too.

[Anonymous]

Anger is a secondary emotion to fear.
He’s likely scared for your kid. Scared for what it will mean for you all as well.
So maybe don’t get angry at him for his anger, even though I can understand if you’d want to. It just would likely be more productive to empathize with his unspoken fears and offer reassurance.

But yeah, can’t have him rejecting needed supports. Your irritation/anger might be coming from fear too, fear he’ll keep your kid from getting needed help. I find my spouse responds better when I express fear versus anger. So less “I’m angry at you, you’re being an idiot” and more “I’m scared”

But yeah it’s so hard. Hang in there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a diagnosis yet, just that some issues have been flagged for additional screening. My husband is not at all cool about everything. He's very angry. I've tried to calm him down but he's spiraling at the mention of any kind of accommodations.

Anyone else BTDT? Fwiw he's usually a very cool headed person. He's never once been this way about friends, family, etc with special needs.

He’s grieving the kid he thought he had and it’s coming out badly. Probably also has heard or seen other people in his life dismiss the need for accommodations for other kids with SNs and is having trouble with the fact that his kid will need them and is feeling shame and confusion. Time can help along with patience and giving him space but at the same time, let him know you expect him to eventually pull it together.

Which I totally get, but I need him to not walk into a meeting with the school refusing "labels" or "accommodations" that our child might need.

It also irritates me because we have a child that has accommodations for other reasons and he's never gotten angry about it because that child is extremely brilliant.

A second child with SN or other challenges can be overwhelming. Give him time.

Yes. Now he's 2 for 2 and he doesn't have a child without special needs. That probably feels really different to him.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

+1 DH and I are a team. I’m definitely the “all in” type to address any issue and he’s more of a skeptic. While it’s been frustrating at times it’s a good balance. Our kids don’t need all the interventions all the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, while I generally agree with all the other posters, I think there’s some value to the dads who are in denial and push back. Because I think a lot of moms are inclined to double down on their kids SNs in a way that is not always healthy. I think there’s often a healthy middle ground that probably falls somewhere between the two parents views on things. As some parents on this forum will tell you (after having gone thru years of this process), there may be good reasons to be skeptical of some of the stuff that gets pushed on parents and sn kids by the whole sn complex, and a lot of us figured out that it was better for our kids and families to step back from some of it. I don’t think the right answer is to deny sns like a lot of dads do, but I think that view can provide an important balance to some moms who get consumed by the sn life.

+1 DH and I are a team. I’m definitely the “all in” type to address any issue and he’s more of a skeptic. While it’s been frustrating at times it’s a good balance. Our kids don’t need all the interventions all the time!

Completely agree some skepticism is helpful (though what the OP is reporting goes beyond that IMHO). We did not want to default to asking for the laundry list of accommodations in my kid's neuropsych, which seemed to super generic and excessive to both of us, but my DH was particularly put off by it. I don't think it's a bad thing to observe your kid after a diagnosis and take a wait and see approach to whether your kid can improve with less. Unless the situation is super clear -- ours was not and I'm glad we have hung back for now.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the special needs, he may also be feeling as though he's to "blame" or that there must be something "wrong" with him to have two special needs children. He could also be mourning the life he thought his child(ren) would have.

If he's unable to be supportive in meetings with the school, I would discuss ahead of time and see if he's willing to just have you attend the school meetings.

It may also be helpful for him to learn more about
accommodations. He's probably thinking of them as an unfair advantage rather than support to access the curriculum. Comparisons to eyeglasses or wheelchair ramps, can sometimes help in understanding how accommodations help students be on a more even playing field, of sorts.