Teen doesn’t want me around or to meet friends

[Anonymous]

I’m overweight, don’t care about fashion, have a small house, and drive an 12 year old car. My daughter still wants me to attend events, chaperone school trips, has friends over, etc. on the flip side, I am warm, welcoming, not judgy, and I give them space when they’re around. It probably helps that my daughter and her friends are more on the dorky side themselves.

FWIW, I remember being horribly embarrassed of my parents as a teen (though they still met all my friends and I would never have not told them about a concert!) and once I hit yo college I got over it and we’ve been really bliss ever since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

I really don't think this is it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she's embarrassed. It's her issue not yours. I was like your daughter. I drive a nice car now, and my mom still drives "safe, functioning cars."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t take it personally. This is how a lot of kids behave. It is what it is. Just try to roll with it.

This is not an acceptable way for my kids to behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely go. It simply is not her call. And I would have a talk about treating all other people with respect, including her parents.

This.

Don't worry OP this is so normal.

DD14 and I are super close and I know all her friends and she would explode angrily if I missed any event of hers.... BUT, she still has moments where she is extremely rude and behaves in a hurtful way towards me. It's the age, the hormones, the coming into their own.

Don't be upset about it- but also don't give in to her whims. If the friends coming up to the apartment makes a lot more sense in a given scenario, insist they do. Go to the concert. I am sure you do a lot for her and you are a family- she will respect it and that's not negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal. I would go anyway.

Me again…I would go but be unobtrusive and not go up to her etc. I’d congratulate her after when we were alone. But still go/support.

This.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others encouraging you to go to the event. Your DD doesn’t get to dictate to you what you can do and not do.

But there’s always the one house where the kids like to hang out. For my kids and their friends it was our house, for a variety of reasons - partly the size where they could have their own space in the basement away from us. Partly bc of the location, my kids went to a private school with friends from all over the area, and ours was pretty central and the closest to the school. It didn’t depend on how cool or uncool we are as parents. I can assure you that neither me, or DH, are the best-dressed, in the best shape, drive the nicest cars.

You could say to your DD that you’d like to meet her friends (if you haven’t already) and the next time please bring them up to your condo for a couple of minutes before they head out. My kids would have known that when I made a request like that, they had to follow it.

[Anonymous]

This is NOT about you! It’s about your teen. Don’t change yourself or buy a fancy car because you’d be cooler. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I am much younger than most of the other parents at DD's school, dress young as well, and DD invites only her best friend over. Our house is so cluttered! It's too small for our family of 4 people and we have stuff around everywhere. I am afraid some kids will judge me for the state of my house. But I realize that's my problem and I need to get over it (and declutter, but that's not happening). She's making some more friends in high school, and at some point she'll bring more kids here.

OP, you have every right to go to all her performances. You can't push the rest.

[Anonymous]

If you are older than other mothers, have grey hair when other moms do not, criticize her at all, have any controlling tendencies, etc, etc, then that may be why.

Take a look at yourself and see what needs changing.

We live in a small and unimpressive house. Teen just brought her boyfriend (who seems to have wealthy parents with numerous homes and vacations in an expensive area, friends with billionaires and company founders) to our house.

I was the one who was a little nervous about the boyfriend because, years ago, a friend's wife, who grew up the child of a rich doctor, was extremely rude about our house.

Ever since the rude woman, I am careful about who gets invited to our house...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal. Go to the performance anyway. But don't pressure her to have people over.

When I was in middle school, a mean girl said that my dad's truck was uncool. (It was a big red truck, nice quality Ford, full of construction tools.) I was mortified and I've kept this a secret from my dad for 30 years to spare his feelings.

You do realize your dad's feeling would not have been hurt by this, right? Why do you think he'd care what some mean little snot said about his truck and tools? You are projecting teen angst onto a grown man.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

I really don't think this is it.

Are you the OP? As many people on this thread have shared, this can in fact be the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your appearance like?

Just trying to help you keep it real. I was embarrassed of my mother growing up and never had people over.

Same.

My mom was obese and didn’t really have good social skills. My friends parents were funny, pretty, slim, etc. My parents would literally always say or do something to embarrass me. For example my mom would sing inappropriate songs that were in the radio but get all the words wildly wrong and she was a horrible singer. Nothing she did was “bad” or ill intended, just outrageously embarrassing for a teen. I still cringe at them. My dad was only marginally better because he was quiet. When he did speak something that would embarrass me would fall out of his mouth. They’re still like that. I was embarrassed for them to meet my friends in my new town until recently and I’m 50. The only thing that changed is now I know I’m being judged for me not by my parents. And many of my friends parents are getting worse with age while mine are staying the same - so it’s about even now.

I am making a real effort to be better for my kids.

I am sorry, you sound very unhappy and very focused on outward appearances. Do you have religious faith, or are you involved in community service or do you advocate for a cause you believe in?
I think focusing on something bigger may help.

[Anonymous]

She’s under 18 so you have a right and must meet her friends, go to concert, etc. unless you are trumper then just don’t wear any trumpist stuff and keep yourself to yourself

[Anonymous]

I would attend (with her knowledge), but give her some space. A teenager doesn't get to decide where I go.