Early birds - would you date a night owl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a night owl sating an early bird. I'd rather not be a night owl, but it's just the way my circadian rhythm is (have been to sleep doctor, etc.).

You "agreed to go to bed early"? That doesn't work. He isn't going to fall asleep.

You should go to bed and wake up when you want to. He should go to bed and wake up when he wants to. This is assuming you don't live in a studio apartment.

If you share a bedroom, he should stay in the living room until he is ready to sleep. Then he should slip very quietly into bed. Before you go to bed, get your clothes etc together so that you can wake up quietly, leave the bedroom, quietly close the door, and get dressed outside the bedroom.

Basically you need to be quiet in the morning and he needs to be quiet in the evening so you can both sleep according to your circadian rhythms.
+1
Exactly right

Whether you both view having that time apart in the late evening and early morning is up to you both. But trying to force the other to go to bed early or late is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

My night owl ex stayed up and watched porn instead of coming to bed around 9:30/10pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you a self proclaimed early bird keep finding these night owls?

Seems like a self created problem that you now want to correct with compromise read he has to go to bed at 8 pm.



I honestly don't know how any do called adult can only sleep in perfect silence and darkness. And can't function without 10 hours and a sound machine.

You sound like a spoiled child.

Go be somebody's sugar baby and be in bed at 6.

Why on earth are you so defensive about this?

I have had sleep problems for DECADES and I assure you I am not a spoiled brat, I grew up poor, I work hard and don’t complain about everything, I live frugally….opposite of spoiled. I have very little control over my sleep. I have tried every sleep aid in the book and it either zonks me out so I can’t work the next day or I still wake up despite it.

It’s great that you can sleep anywhere and any time without darkness and silence; but don’t pat yourself on the back for it like you chose this. You are LUCKY to be a good sleeper, and if something changes down the road, I hope you remember this post and have some humility.

[Anonymous]

There is good scientific research to show how hard-wired this is. Saying that it's laziness or anxiety is just uninformed.

[Anonymous]

I think night owls and early birds are two sides of the same coin. They like that quiet time outside of the norms. I was a night owl. Now I'm an early bird. Some of it has to do with natural rhythms. Like, good luck getting a teenager to be sharp at 6 AM. But that same person might be extremely sharp 30 years later at 6 am. So it varies and changes over time.

But obviously with a partner you want to be synched up. It would be a genuine problem. The 2 AM person and the 6 AM person are not a great match. Someone is suffering.

[Anonymous]

I am a night owl married to a night owl. Our kids are night owls. It works for us. It would be hard for me personally to have early rising kids.

[Anonymous]

I am an early bird and need the day to be done by 8pm. A night owl would irritate me but thankfully my partner is only a semi-night owl.

[Anonymous]

I’m so surprised by all the people who say to call it quits! I’m a night owl married to an early bird, we’ve been very happy together for 20 years and we’re both extroverts. It’s totally hard wired. There’s no way I’m going to be able to go to sleep at 10pm, just like there’s no way he is going to magically start sleeping in and be wide awake at midnight.

We don’t attempt to get on each other’s sleep schedule. How would that even work? Of course your boyfriend is going to toss and turn and get up and down if you make him get in bed with you! My DH goes to bed 2 hours before me, and then I sleep 2 hours later than he does. So there’s no waking each other up. I get in bed when I’m ready to go to sleep, and he gets out of bed when he is ready to wake up. We were like 3 weeks into dating when we figured this out, after I spent a sleepless night tossing and turning and then was a zombie when I left with him at 6am!

Maybe if you only see each other on weekends, it would limit your time together. But we are awake for the majority of the day every day, and now that we can work from home, we have lunch and dinner together.

The split sleeping habits really helped when we had kids. I dealt with all the wake ups in the first half of the night, and he took the early mornings. We were both so tired in the newborn stage, it’s the only time I was able to fall asleep early! This has worked from toddlers all the way to teenagers. He is awake early and makes breakfast and helps get them dressed, and then I stay up late doing all the dishes, prepping breakfasts and lunches, folding laundry and laying out outfits etc. I did generally sleep late on weekends even when the kids were little. It doesn’t take two people to pour some cereal and turn on cartoons. He would get the kids out of the house to a playground or whatever when they were all wide away at 7am. And then he would take a nap in the afternoon while I stayed awake all day. Obviously there are lots of times I have to wake up early to deal with kid stuff, so many early morning soccer games! And there are lots of times he is up later than his 9pm bedtime, because teen sports run late! But we love each other and do the best that we can to let the other person sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My night owl ex stayed up and watched porn instead of coming to bed around 9:30/10pm.

930/10 is way too early. That’s a tween’s bedtime. Not a grown adult.

Him having to get his needs met by porn is a separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Works great for us—it was excellent when the kids were babies and even now, we get some quiet time alone in the morning and evening respectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My night owl ex stayed up and watched porn instead of coming to bed around 9:30/10pm.

930/10 is way too early. That’s a tween’s bedtime. Not a grown adult.

Him having to get his needs met by porn is a separate issue.

I’m about to blow your mind:

I go to bed at 9:30/10 and I have been a very high functioning adult for 29 years.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Dh and I reached a compromise. I go to bed a little later and he goes to bed a little earlier. It hasn’t been enough though- I require 9 hours of sleep and he only needs 7 apparently. Someone mentioned sex- we usually do it right around 9/9:30 when the kids are asleep and then he goes back downstairs. I’m late 30s now and like going to sleep by myself. He doesn’t wake me up when he comes in later as I wear ear plugs and a sleep mask.

I wish we had someone who was a morning bird who could wake up with our kids and get them breakfast and off to school.

[Anonymous]

Preparing in advance and coming in the room quietly is fine. The problem is OP's boyfriend keeps turning the lights on and off! She should give him a few more chances to work out his system, but if he doesn't then she should break up with him for being not very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My night owl ex stayed up and watched porn instead of coming to bed around 9:30/10pm.

930/10 is way too early. That’s a tween’s bedtime. Not a grown adult.

Him having to get his needs met by porn is a separate issue.

I’m about to blow your mind:

I go to bed at 9:30/10 and I have been a very high functioning adult for 29 years.

-NP

Apparently not since you have a children’s bedtime. Do you work? Have kids? Make them dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I reached a compromise. I go to bed a little later and he goes to bed a little earlier. It hasn’t been enough though- I require 9 hours of sleep and he only needs 7 apparently. Someone mentioned sex- we usually do it right around 9/9:30 when the kids are asleep and then he goes back downstairs. I’m late 30s now and like going to sleep by myself. He doesn’t wake me up when he comes in later as I wear ear plugs and a sleep mask.

I wish we had someone who was a morning bird who could wake up with our kids and get them breakfast and off to school.

If you’re the early bird aren’t you the one getting up with the kids?