Early birds - would you date a night owl?
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Anonymous
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I'm an early bird who has been dating a night owl for a couple months. I've found myself adapting to his schedule, rather than vice versa, and it's leaving me exhausted. We agreed to go to bed early last night, and even though we were in bed early, he kept getting on his phone, getting in and out of bed, turning lights on and off. So I ended up not falling asleep until 1am.
Even though I'm sleeping over only on weekends, it's really leaving me drained all week. Wondering if I should just end things now? He's a great guy, but when I dated a night owl before, we ended up sexless and basically spent zero time together because he was up all night and slept all day. |
Anonymous
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Only if you can meet each other halfway, and this person doesn't seem ready to do so. Falling asleep really late and needing to self-soothe with screens and whatnots before bed is a red flag for ADHD and anxiety. My son and I both have problems in that department. My husband and my daughter are early birds. It works because we do our best not to disturb the others.
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Anonymous
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Nope, break up with him. Night owls die sooner and it's a symptom of poor time management, ADHD, anxiety, etc. There's really no way to fix it other than separate rooms.
If he's fool enough not to understand that looking at his phone and turning on the lights makes it harder for him to sleep, then you just break up with him for being dumb. |
Anonymous
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ONLY IF you guys like alone time and respect the fact that you have different needs… and can sleep through each other’s early wake ups/late bedtimes.
I love my NO husband dearly, but it’s a huge pain that he doesn’t like to be alone, so he gets sad when it’s time for me to go to bed - and it disturbs his sleep for me to get up early. So, yeah, that type of situation is not truly compatible and I would nip it in the bud now. But if you guys can adjust, it’s no big deal. |
Anonymous
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End the relationship. You know from previous experiences that this won’t work. Plus he seems uninterested in compromise and changing or switching that up for you. |
Anonymous
| Like pp's said, this would only work if you BOTH like a lot of alone time and are ok with not spending much time together. |
Anonymous
| It seems like he's not very self-aware about what going to bed early actually means. |
Anonymous
+1 DH is a nightowl and I'm an early bird. We are also both introverts and enjoy having our alone time in the a.m. (me) or night (him). And both can sleep through the other coming to bed/getting up. The night owl also needs to be flexible to deal with life. If you end up having kids, it really won't work if one spouse insists that they have to always sleep late since little kids are generally early risers. DH gets up early when needed and when the kids were little he'd always be up early on weekends. I went back to work when they were in elementary school and had a schedule where I went into work early so he was up to get the kids to school. Once they got into their teens, I appreciated his late schedule because he handled any late pick ups and I never felt I had to wait up for teens to get home since I knew he'd be up anyway. It's worked for us for 24 years so far. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it's not okay if the night owls is also opting out of morning chores.
My DH is a night owl but he also just doesn't need as much sleep as most people. He's fine sleeping 12 am to 6 am. So he isn't late to things, he's not tired and work, and he doesn't expect me to handle the morning shift. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't, but I've also decided that I'm not going to compromise in this area. I was very lonely in my marriage, and I'd rather be actually alone than go down that route again. Recently, I was in a bit of a flirtation with a night owl, who texted me from his vacation with his early-bird friend. He complained a lot, and in some pictures it was obvious that his friend had dragged him out to see the sights. No thank you, and end of flirtation. At this point in my life, having someone to travel with is the biggest draw of being in a relationship. I don't sleep in, and I don't want to travel with someone who sleeps in. |
Anonymous
| I’m a night owl and my late DH was an early bird. It had no affect on our awesome marriage. |
Anonymous
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How do you a self proclaimed early bird keep finding these night owls?
Seems like a self created problem that you now want to correct with compromise read he has to go to bed at 8 pm. I honestly don't know how any do called adult can only sleep in perfect silence and darkness. And can't function without 10 hours and a sound machine. You sound like a spoiled child. Go be somebody's sugar baby and be in bed at 6. |
Anonymous
I'm guessing neither of you try to control the other. |
Anonymous
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I'm a night owl sating an early bird. I'd rather not be a night owl, but it's just the way my circadian rhythm is (have been to sleep doctor, etc.).
You "agreed to go to bed early"? That doesn't work. He isn't going to fall asleep. You should go to bed and wake up when you want to. He should go to bed and wake up when he wants to. This is assuming you don't live in a studio apartment. If you share a bedroom, he should stay in the living room until he is ready to sleep. Then he should slip very quietly into bed. Before you go to bed, get your clothes etc together so that you can wake up quietly, leave the bedroom, quietly close the door, and get dressed outside the bedroom. Basically you need to be quiet in the morning and he needs to be quiet in the evening so you can both sleep according to your circadian rhythms. Whether you both view having that time apart in the late evening and early morning is up to you both. But trying to force the other to go to bed early or late is not the answer. |
Anonymous
| Separate beds? |