Frustrated at life with DS

[Anonymous]

PP here - it is very common for kids your son's age to be deeply self-absorbed. Try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

This sounds very much like the experiences with both of our kids.

One of the things I've struggled with most is empathy with an anxious child with oversized feelings. The problem was, I'd feel everything they were feeling and it was quite overwhelming, to the point where I had to shut down to protect myself and my child from blowing up myself.

I have been working on developing a different kind of empathy - a healthier kind. One where you can detach yourself from feeling all the feelings, but be present, be understanding, and connect, but basically create a wall from letting their actual feelings bleed onto my own. It takes a bit of work and practice, but it IS possible. And it allows you to become a better parent, a better friend, and protect your sanity.

[Anonymous]

I can understand your concerns and relate to this. I do think a different medicine combo might be helpful. Also let him do less. Don't try to make it fun and exciting all the time. He may be getting overwhelmed by transitions and also by your expectations of having a fun day.

I disagree with the poster who said to tell him there can be no drama and to not ruin your day. I dont think that helps it just increases anxiety about being perfect.

When my son has had extended periods like this I cut way back on stuff and let him be bored more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ds age 13 has anxiety and severe ADHD. It’s always been this way, since he was a toddler. I have anxiety too and life with him has increased my anxiety terribly. I need to be his mother and I also need to create boundaries for myself. He doesn’t have a lot of friends. He doesn’t see too many kids outside of school. So, he wants to hang around with me a lot. It would be fine, except his anxiety and, frankly, self centeredness and complete lack of empathy make my days with him anxiety filled and frustrating.

For example, today I arranged for he and I to go on a horseback ride. We got to the barn and met up with the owner. He was miserable to her and kept telling me that he just wanted to go home. He said he wasn’t going to ride the horse and he moped the whole time we were tacking up horses. He agreed to do this activity when I suggested it.

We wound up going on the ride and having fun. But, all of the drama and upset beforehand really marred the day. In the afternoon, he wanted to go fishing. We were having fun until a fish accidentally died. We were doing catch and release. It’s sad, but his behavior was out of proportion. He screamed and yelled and threatened not to go to school tomorrow.

Every day is like this. It is so draining and hard. I try to plan nice things and be positive. But, his anxiety and behavior always ruins it. I have so much empathy for him. My whole life for the past 14 years has been about catering to him and his anxieties, fears and disregulation. I’m trying to figure out a way to parent him while still protecting my own peace. Right now, I’m failing at that. I am so unhappy and frustrated

op it sounds like more than severe adhd. severe adhd does not come with lack of empathy and complete lack of emotional regulation. what you describe (severe adhd/ lack of empathy and high anxiety) is almost certainly autism. It's important that you get him an eval and see it through that lens because you'll have better tools to respond. Mine has audhd and his behaviors are not as extreme as you describe.

[Anonymous]

We dealt with very similar issues. I don't have any suggestions relating to your son. But, for us, we figured out how to reset and not let the bad parts of the day guide how we feel or set the tone for our day. It's like rewriting history so that only the good parts remain. I am very intentional about doing that in that I often take lots of photos of the good parts and share them with each other. Sometimes we even verbalize that we are starting all over and are going to forget about whatever bad thing happened. But, we learned to turn on a dime and readjust our attitude to enjoying the good and letting go of the rest. And, we learned to forget about it and move on.

As anxiety got under control (getting ADHD under control had no bearing on the sort of behavior we dealt with), things got better. But it was no easy thing to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ds age 13 has anxiety and severe ADHD. It’s always been this way, since he was a toddler. I have anxiety too and life with him has increased my anxiety terribly. I need to be his mother and I also need to create boundaries for myself. He doesn’t have a lot of friends. He doesn’t see too many kids outside of school. So, he wants to hang around with me a lot. It would be fine, except his anxiety and, frankly, self centeredness and complete lack of empathy make my days with him anxiety filled and frustrating.

For example, today I arranged for he and I to go on a horseback ride. We got to the barn and met up with the owner. He was miserable to her and kept telling me that he just wanted to go home. He said he wasn’t going to ride the horse and he moped the whole time we were tacking up horses. He agreed to do this activity when I suggested it.

We wound up going on the ride and having fun. But, all of the drama and upset beforehand really marred the day. In the afternoon, he wanted to go fishing. We were having fun until a fish accidentally died. We were doing catch and release. It’s sad, but his behavior was out of proportion. He screamed and yelled and threatened not to go to school tomorrow.

Every day is like this. It is so draining and hard. I try to plan nice things and be positive. But, his anxiety and behavior always ruins it. I have so much empathy for him. My whole life for the past 14 years has been about catering to him and his anxieties, fears and disregulation. I’m trying to figure out a way to parent him while still protecting my own peace. Right now, I’m failing at that. I am so unhappy and frustrated

Where is his dad and what is his relationship with him?

[Anonymous]

His dad and I are happily married. His dad’s relationship with him is good. He gets frustrated too though. It’s hard not to

[Anonymous]

If he was actually rude to the owner of the barn, I would have packed up shop right then and there. What are his consequences for being rude, uncooperative, etc? My kid had to earn every minute of screentime at that age (the only leverage I had).

Crying and having a meltdown during fishing was probably a consequence of too many activities in a day. After horseback riding he probably needed some downtime. This is on you unfortunately. Keep hanging in there. Maturity will help with all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He gets to have two activities on on day that other kids get to experience once in a decade.
You sure you are not overdoing it?

He sounds spoiled and ungrateful.

Disagree. The horseback riding behavior sounds like classic anxiety to me. Once he did it, he was fine, but he was uncomfortable about it beforehand and in a lot of kids, the fastest way to project that uncomfortable feeling is to be angry and put it on someone else.

He may also need a meds adjustment as we saw big changes around that age.

I found parent coaching therapy to be the most helpful with my similarly dysregulated kid. You should also have a personal therapist who can help you learn and stick to boundaries to better take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Agree with everyone going back to re-evaluate meds, etc.

But also one my kids cried the first time he went fishing and saw a hook in the fish's mouth. He is ADHD and a bit anxious, but overall much more stable as a young adult.

And he is now a vegetarian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We dealt with very similar issues. I don't have any suggestions relating to your son. But, for us, we figured out how to reset and not let the bad parts of the day guide how we feel or set the tone for our day. It's like rewriting history so that only the good parts remain. I am very intentional about doing that in that I often take lots of photos of the good parts and share them with each other. Sometimes we even verbalize that we are starting all over and are going to forget about whatever bad thing happened. But, we learned to turn on a dime and readjust our attitude to enjoying the good and letting go of the rest. And, we learned to forget about it and move on.

As anxiety got under control (getting ADHD under control had no bearing on the sort of behavior we dealt with), things got better. But it was no easy thing to make that happen.

Great advice!
- From another parent going through similar issues

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic. It sounds so draining. I want you to have a happier life.

I agree with the posters that some of this is typical 13yo stuff, but obviously magnified hugely through his issues. I'm wondering if he's done any DBT--dialectical behavioral therapy. It's time-consuming, but it helps kids modulate their reactions to triggers (is my understanding.) It's been life-changing for a friend of mine with her kid whom she thought had ADHD and anxiety and turned out to have autism. I'm not diagnosing--just sharing that.

I also wonder if it's possible for you to set some level of expectations with your son and tie them to rewards/consequences. Even though 1-2-3 magic is more for 7-year-olds, we used a modified version of it with our kid, and it was useful, if nothing else, in making it clear to him that he needed to take more responsibilty for regulating his feelings. If he snapped at us way unduly, we'd say, aiming for no emotion, "that's one;" a second time in the given time frame was two; for the third, he had to remove himself from the situation for his age plus 10 minutes. Then he could return whenever he wanted. After the system solidified, wehad to work with him on the "return" part--ie, he couldn't waltz in and be like, "Hi, can I have a snack?" he had to apologize, and usually, he seemed to feel good from doing so.

I know you are doing SO MUCH, including planning things that he likes and working to keep both of you positive. I'm wondering if your sympathy for his anxiety is getting in the way of your having expectations for him that might help him and you--a true wonder, not a judgment disguised as a wonder. Just something to think about.

You are not alone, and we are here for you.

[Anonymous]

He definitely needs more expectations. That’s a good point. He’s a reluctant participant, which is why we haven’t pushed for it.

[Anonymous]

In the op you say you’ve spent his whole life catering to him and his anxieties. That just feeds the anxiety. I know it was not your intention, but I think you’ve made things worse. And yes I am a parent of a kid with anxiety. Everyone isn’t the same, of course, but constantly appeasing an anxious person doesn’t take away their anxiety, it takes away their ability to cope with a difficult situation and move forward from knowing things will be okay when everything isn’t ideal.

Stop catering, start building his resilience.

[Anonymous]

The Ross Center has workshops on SPACE, supportive parenting for anxiety. It might be something to consider: https://www.rosscenter.com/ross_event/space-training-a-7-week-group-for-parents-of-anxious-children/