If you're a saver married to a spender

[Anonymous]

Simple---don't marry someone whose core values (including money) don't align with yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.

It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.

[Anonymous]

It's hard. I'm sorry, OP.

Neither of us are spenders, but my husband has hoarding problems. I try to confine his stuff to the basement and his study, but it creeps into other parts of the house and needs to be continually beaten back. It's embarrassing inviting my friends into the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.

It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.

I never go to Starbucks. Yes, I think buying anything there is a waste of money. Make coffee at home, at the office, or buy it at McDonalds or 7-11. I also buy mostly generic items at the store (not some items like paper towels), and choose where I spend my money. When the kids were little, I'd buy clothes on sale for the next season in what size they'd be then.

Frugal, sure. And while we are probably poor by DCUM standards, we have everything we need and much of what we want. One international family trip per year, visit each kid at their flight-away-from home each semester, and spouse and I also do a US trip just the 2 of us. It works for us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

Not in DCUM world, the savers tend to be overly controlling and think that someone making 500k is an irresponsible spender if they buy Starbucks at the airport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

There are extremes at both ends and op never specified specific goals regarding retirement age so you’re making a lot of assumptions.

There are plenty of people in the FIRE community who want to live on a shoe string, save the bulk of their take home pay and retire in their 40s (often to continue to live a spartan lifestyle)…Many of these people have just as many underlying issues as the spenders.

[Anonymous]

My paycheck is rationed and most of it goes to savings. So he thinks whatever is in checking is what we could spend. He don’t track funds so he has no idea what we have in savings. I told him once a few years ago and he was ready to go by a car! So now I just save (mint savings) and he doesn’t see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.

It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.

I never go to Starbucks. Yes, I think buying anything there is a waste of money. Make coffee at home, at the office, or buy it at McDonalds or 7-11. I also buy mostly generic items at the store (not some items like paper towels), and choose where I spend my money. When the kids were little, I'd buy clothes on sale for the next season in what size they'd be then.

Frugal, sure. And while we are probably poor by DCUM standards, we have everything we need and much of what we want. One international family trip per year, visit each kid at their flight-away-from home each semester, and spouse and I also do a US trip just the 2 of us. It works for us

Sounds like us. Starbucks is gross anyway. I make better coffee at home, or if out of the house, there are better places to get a drink.

[Anonymous]

Ramit helped a lot. Okay to be a spender

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ramit helped a lot. Okay to be a spender

True, it’s just really hard to be married to one when you're a saver. For example, living paycheck to paycheck so your spouse can afford the debt payments they took out to drive a luxury car, live in a home that's twice the size you need, and join a costly club for their hobby feels bad to a saver whose job is a grind and they want out. Would we both be happier if we set each other free? The spender could spend and borrow as much as they want without resistance from their nagging spouse, and the saver could go back to being the laid-back, easy-going person they once were, living peacefully within their means and retiring when they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

Not in DCUM world, the savers tend to be overly controlling and think that someone making 500k is an irresponsible spender if they buy Starbucks at the airport.

if that same "saver" is complaining they cannot afford to pay for their kid's college, then yes they were Not fully responsible. But no, most savers are not the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

There are extremes at both ends and op never specified specific goals regarding retirement age so you’re making a lot of assumptions.

There are plenty of people in the FIRE community who want to live on a shoe string, save the bulk of their take home pay and retire in their 40s (often to continue to live a spartan lifestyle)…Many of these people have just as many underlying issues as the spenders.

What is the underlying issue with not wanting to work until 65 and be tied to a schedule? While I don't get it and want to enjoy life with a bit more things, they would rather have the time and are not dependent upon anyone else, so why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A Starbucks drink is profligate? Wow. Gotta tell DH he has to use cheap shampoo not the expensive one.

It is if it's not in your budget to buy daily (or whenever they are buying it)

It all adds up. People like that tend to waste lots and not even realize it.

I never go to Starbucks. Yes, I think buying anything there is a waste of money. Make coffee at home, at the office, or buy it at McDonalds or 7-11. I also buy mostly generic items at the store (not some items like paper towels), and choose where I spend my money. When the kids were little, I'd buy clothes on sale for the next season in what size they'd be then.

Frugal, sure. And while we are probably poor by DCUM standards, we have everything we need and much of what we want. One international family trip per year, visit each kid at their flight-away-from home each semester, and spouse and I also do a US trip just the 2 of us. It works for us

Sounds like us. Starbucks is gross anyway. I make better coffee at home, or if out of the house, there are better places to get a drink.

agreed Starbucks is not good coffee. But it's the mentality of spending $$$ daily for something you can make at home. I live where I can walk to 6+ good coffee shops (not Starbucks) within 2 blocks of my home. Yet I rarely buy coffee out, because I can easily make much better at home (top coffee and top coffee maker) and why would I spend $7+ for a coffee that can be made for $.50 at home and be better?
I know people whose entire family 2 adults and 2-3 kids in MS/HS spend $40+ daily getting Starbucks or the equivalent. That is $1200+ per month. Add in also buying lunch while out and about and you have spent $3K+ per month on something that can be had for $500. Most are unaware of where their money is going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the spender also had other problems. I married one and dated another, but I was able to keep finances separately. Marriage wasn't too long luckily.
One had ADHD, depression, and anxiety, the other one had ASD.

Oh come on, you could just as easily say the saver has other problems like OCD, depression, anxiety, and ASD.

But the "savers problems" are not preventing them from paying the bills or retiring by 65.

Also, plenty of savers do not have any issues, they are just responsible adults. However most over spenders do have other underlying issues that are driving the spending.

Not in DCUM world, the savers tend to be overly controlling and think that someone making 500k is an irresponsible spender if they buy Starbucks at the airport.

if that same "saver" is complaining they cannot afford to pay for their kid's college, then yes they were Not fully responsible. But no, most savers are not the issues.

OP here. I don't want to accept all the blame or lay it all on my spouse. We simply have conflicting values around money and debt, and different priorities for our time and resources. I missed this when we were dating, and we haven't been able to find a middle ground.