I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster with my husband’s BPD mom

[Anonymous]

Let me add. You also don’t need to tell him you will “never, ever see her again.” Just start with “this thanksgiving” and then go to “this Christmas.” Saying you want one holiday season with just your nuclear family might give you enough of a break to see her again every once in a while or make him see how much better things are without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised you only now told him what you’ve been observing for 15 years. And he seemed surprised. Do you not discuss things on a deeper, personal level, in general?

This is where I am. I don’t understand at all how he seems surprised by you telling him this. If you have just sweetly been his buffer with his mom for 15 years, you need to stop doing this. You don’t have to spend extensive time with this woman — nor do you need to spend hours or days picking up the pieces with him when he gets his heart broken (if this is happening). I’m not saying you need to be a jerk with no empathy, but there comes a point when you have to say “this is your relationship to manage both physically and emotionally. I’m not doing this.”

That said, what a holiday looks like depends on how far away this person is and whether you have kids. If you have to physically travel, then I would just say that I wasn’t willing to host her this year and that if he wants to go there (and perhaps take the kids), then you guys could have your big meal on Sunday when they return. If she lives close by, you could tell him that he should just run over there for a different meal time. Other local alternatives would include deciding to meet at a restaurant if you think you could tolerate two hours but not an all day thing at your house. There are lots of ways to do this.

And you are generally right that once you are no longer acting as a buffer, he may very well spend less time interacting with her. This could be very good for both of you.

OP here. Thanks. This makes a lot of sense.

I do want to clarify that I have brought it up before, but in a more gently way—this time, I really laid it all out in a raw, honest way that I felt he needed to hear. It was different.

[Anonymous]

Somebody recommended this site on here many years ago, and it really helped me recognize patterns. Maybe it'll help both of you:

https://outofthefog.website/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Really not about you though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Really not about you though

Except it is. Just because he wants to be around the in-laws doesn't mean she has to. She doesn't have to sacrifice her agency. She gets to decide who she spends her time with, and if the reasoning is that the people she doesn't want to hang out with are cruel, unstable, or problematic in some obvious way, she can decide her kids aren't gonna be around them either. My children don't hang out with people who aren't kind to their parent(s). Saves a LOT of drama. Their father is an adult and can make his own decisions about who he shares time with; that part is not about me. But the part that is literally about my time, space, and energy? Hell yes that's about me, and my preferences not only matter, they should be the primary deciding factor in how I spend my limited free time. I am not obligated to engage jerks, even if those jerks share DNA with people I love.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

You’re delusional. You think a therapist should encourage someone to stay in a cycle of abuse? Should they be neutral to it, because DNA? Get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent 15 years watching my husband get caught in the same abusive cycle with his mother, who has untreated BPD. After a particularly rough year in my own life, I’ve reached my breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore.

The cycle is always the same:
She creates some sort of drama and cuts him off. Then, after a while, she returns with fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and promises. Things are okay for a bit, and then she discards him again. This year alone, they’ve gone no-contact three separate times. And every time they’re not speaking, it is so peaceful.

I think he keeps going back because, deep down, he still wants the loving, safe mother he never had as a child. I understand that. I really do. But I can’t sit by and be part of this anymore. I can’t keep watching him get hurt. I can’t keep watching him light up with hope when she pulls him back in, only to see that hope crushed again and again.

This past week was especially tough for me personally, and it coincided with her pulling him back in again after weeks of not speaking. I finally blew up and told him what I see happening, the cycle I described above. He seemed shocked to hear it laid out that way, and maybe some of it landed? But I’m under no illusions; he’ll keep doing this dance with her.
What I need to figure out now is how to get off this train. I can’t stop him from having a relationship with her, but I don’t want to be involved anymore. I can’t keep showing up, smiling, and pretending like I don’t know how this will end.

So how do I step back? Do I stand my ground and say I don’t want to see her for a while? Has anyone else been in this position and if so, how did you protect your own peace without destroying your marriage in the process?

If problem wasn't addressed in 15 years, there are only two possible solutions. Either she passes away or you divorce him and remove yourself from this drama. They are enmeshed and that's an incurable disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

This is what we did after everything else failed. However, it didn't resolve his part of problem so I'm still troubled by association.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Glad it was helpful (minus the typos, but... yeah ). BTDT with my ex and his family, who tried to blame me, of course. The key is not to tell him he can't see his family. That way, when they try to triangulate you into it, and make you responsible for any argument or separation that might happen, you're clear. My ex still doesn't speak to his family and we've been split for 5+ years now; clearly it wasn't me. He finally came to see his family for who and how they are, and I spoke my piece and then stayed out of it.

Knowing it's right doesn't make it easier to do, but it'll make it easy for you to sleep at night. Best of luck with it!

Thanks! I have a feeling that without me holding his hand, he’s not going to want to make as much effort as he did in the past. I think he liked the idea of a “normal” family gathering, and will feel my absence. I definitely don’t want to prevent him from visiting by himself; more power to him!

I’m curious, with the holidays approaching, what did your first year of holidays look like? We typically host, so I don’t know what that will look like. Again, I don’t care if he goes alone, but I’m worried he will be annoyed or resentful that things don’t look/feel “normal”, even though it has NEVER been normal!

Take a trip for the holidays that BPD person is not invited to.

Although I did not cut out my BPD parent entirely, I became much better about boundaries. If they started yelling, I'd say it was time for me to go. I also told them they'd never see or my children again if they ever spoke to my children how they spoke to me. I'm quite proud I said that! They never did abuse my children the same way they did me. I should have told them the same for myself, but I did not think of that at the time.

One of my siblings has it. I was low contact and now I am VERY low contact. They can no longer call me but I will accept emails. When they know there is proof of what they say in writing, it's amazing how much "nicer" they are. In person, they might scream at me, accuse me of doing things I never did, accuse my family of things, accuse other people of things, and on and on. All they did was raise my blood pressure.

I'm sorry your hubby is caught in the cycle. I agree you can drop the rope. Let your husband plan the holiday and don't let it fall to you. It's likely the BPD will ruin the holiday somehow. I've had my birthday and xmas ruined or nearly so by my sick sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

Oh, hello, person who never had a BPD family member.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

OP here. I clarified that we have discussed it before. He is in therapy so it’s a topic that hasn’t been avoided. I’ve bought books for “us”, played podcasts. But I really blew up and was brutally honest this time around. I think I just realized life is too short for this, and I want out. I want to be free, even if he can’t break away.