I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster with my husband’s BPD mom

[Anonymous]

Please stop with buying books for “us” and trying to be his therapist. In addition to not needing to spend time with his mom, it is also ok to say “I cannot be your therapist on this. It is just too much for me.”

You have taken this on as your problem as well — and it really isn’t. I say this as someone whose dad is the problem. I manage it with very strong boundaries and low-ish contact. It isn’t my husband’s problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

You sound too involved. Focus on other things in your life and let him tend to his mother. When he brings up the topic change it or just listen. Basically…who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

OP here. I clarified that we have discussed it before. He is in therapy so it’s a topic that hasn’t been avoided. I’ve bought books for “us”, played podcasts. But I really blew up and was brutally honest this time around. I think I just realized life is too short for this, and I want out. I want to be free, even if he can’t break away.

Oh wow you’re way too involved! If you aren’t careful, his mom will behave to win him over and he will turn on you.

I’d stay involved if you’re open to divorce.

If not, stop meddling and distance yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop with buying books for “us” and trying to be his therapist. In addition to not needing to spend time with his mom, it is also ok to say “I cannot be your therapist on this. It is just too much for me.”

You have taken this on as your problem as well — and it really isn’t. I say this as someone whose dad is the problem. I manage it with very strong boundaries and low-ish contact. It isn’t my husband’s problem to solve.

Noted. And that’s the whole point. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for either of us.