Reply to I need to get off the emotional rollercoaster with my husband’s BPD mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m surprised you only now told him what you’ve been observing for 15 years. And he seemed surprised. Do you not discuss things on a deeper, personal level, in general?[/quote]

This is where I am. I don’t understand at all how he seems surprised by you telling him this. If you have just sweetly been his buffer with his mom for 15 years, you need to stop doing this. You don’t have to spend extensive time with this woman — nor do you need to spend hours or days picking up the pieces with him when he gets his heart broken (if this is happening). I’m not saying you need to be a jerk with no empathy, but there comes a point when you have to say “this is your relationship to manage both physically and emotionally. I’m not doing this.”

That said, what a holiday looks like depends on how far away this person is and whether you have kids. If you have to physically travel, then I would just say that I wasn’t willing to host her this year and that if he wants to go there (and perhaps take the kids), then you guys could have your big meal on Sunday when they return. If she lives close by, you could tell him that he should just run over there for a different meal time. Other local alternatives would include deciding to meet at a restaurant if you think you could tolerate two hours but not an all day thing at your house. There are lots of ways to do this.

And you are generally right that once you are no longer acting as a buffer, he may very well spend less time interacting with her. This could be very good for both of you.[/quote]
OP here. Thanks. This makes a lot of sense.

I do want to clarify that I have brought it up before, but in a more gently way—this time, I really laid it all out in a raw, honest way that I felt he needed to hear. It was different. [/quote]

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