Travel w/ Twins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should. Moms and babies are very attached. Separating them is physically painful. She doesn't have to travel as much - you can tell her its too much for the babies and it might resonate.

4 trips? Ludicrous. She picks one trip to her family and you keep trip to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t cut anything, add extra visits on your side. You’ll either love it or she’ll hate it.

LOL, I've thought of this, but it would be utter chaos on planes every few weeks if I did this. I don't think anyone would win in this scenario.

Twins screaming on a plane is worse than snakes on a plane!

[Anonymous]

Most airlines won't let you travel with two infants. Check the rules (twin mom here!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most airlines won't let you travel with two infants. Check the rules (twin mom here!)

ETA: Alone with 2 infants. You have to have 1 adult to 1 infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

Mom here who would not have been separated from my babies at that age. Wedding, sure. Christmas, maybe (it's a very germy time to travel with babies). But the "just to see everyone" visit is unnecessary. I'd talk to her about the kids' immune systems, the fact that RFK isn't going to let them be vaccinated for Covid, and sleep hygiene. I'd also make it clear that you're open to members of her family visiting you at your home.

[Anonymous]

Only a fool wants two screaming babies at their wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

PP here.

Okay, progress. Understanding her motivations is important. I'd go into question mode. "What happens if this trip is really, really hard and we don't feel up to three more trips in the next four months? Which of the other three would we cut? Is there any way for your family to come to us?"

How much longer is it until her family wedding? If she's gone 8 months without seeing them, I think she can make it two more. I agree with you that this trip is a risk not worth taking.

I would also be willing, if I were you, to pay for her to fly solo even if it was a super short trip so she could get back to the babies quickly. So if she was planning a week, and she doesn't want to travel without the babies, even if it's a flight, could she just go for 24-48 hours? Might that scratch the itch to see family without taking her from the babies for too long? It might sound silly to pay a lot for a tiny trip, but it might be your best option.

I also notice that you didn't answer my later questions - about whether you're an equal partner in childcare or not. Even completely separately from these trips, I think it's really important for you to be watching the babies solo for short periods of time. Is that happening?

PP just to add context to my thought process here - I didn't have twins, but I did have two 18 months apart, and it was during the pandemic so we didn't travel when the first was tiny, so the first time we were traveling was with both of them at like 4 months/22 months old. That first trip with the two of them was the worst trip of my life. It was much, much harder than I anticipated, and we ended up deciding to just stay close to home until they got a smidge older. But that being said - I know plenty of people who travel with babies (even twins) and it's NBD. It's both baby personality dependent AND parent personality dependent, and it's REALLY hard to predict.

OP here. Thanks for this. I was watching them by myself for the latter half of yesterday and need to watch them all day during the workday today, so don't have much time to thoroughly respond today. Even the questions you and others have posed have helped refine my thinking though.

This makes me think you do not do 50% or greater of the childcare. Would your wife ever say, “I was watching them by myself”? The person who does the lion’s share of childcare gets the lion’s share of decision making when it comes to how travel with the babies. The fact that she told you that you could stay at home while she travels with them means that she is fine without your help. She is also alleviating you of any responsibility in terms of enduring hardship during travel and feeling any responsibility. Travel is just a means to an end, and the end is visiting family, which is very valuable to her. It could also be the case that when she visits her family, she will have an abundance of help, enabling her to relax and enjoy the trip, which makes the travel worthwhile.

As a mom who traveled solo with infants and toddlers on transpacific and transatlantic flights several times a year, it mostly sucks, but it’s not like you are fleeing across the Mediterranean in a rubber dinghy. You are on a plane, there are flight attendants, there are helpful strangers, there are bathrooms, there are strollers. Compared to birthing twins, it’s no big deal.

And stop with the “she’s quite sensitive” and separating is anathema”. She sounds like she is confident in her ability to travel with the kids, so why are you standing in the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

PP here.

Okay, progress. Understanding her motivations is important. I'd go into question mode. "What happens if this trip is really, really hard and we don't feel up to three more trips in the next four months? Which of the other three would we cut? Is there any way for your family to come to us?"

How much longer is it until her family wedding? If she's gone 8 months without seeing them, I think she can make it two more. I agree with you that this trip is a risk not worth taking.

I would also be willing, if I were you, to pay for her to fly solo even if it was a super short trip so she could get back to the babies quickly. So if she was planning a week, and she doesn't want to travel without the babies, even if it's a flight, could she just go for 24-48 hours? Might that scratch the itch to see family without taking her from the babies for too long? It might sound silly to pay a lot for a tiny trip, but it might be your best option.

I also notice that you didn't answer my later questions - about whether you're an equal partner in childcare or not. Even completely separately from these trips, I think it's really important for you to be watching the babies solo for short periods of time. Is that happening?

PP just to add context to my thought process here - I didn't have twins, but I did have two 18 months apart, and it was during the pandemic so we didn't travel when the first was tiny, so the first time we were traveling was with both of them at like 4 months/22 months old. That first trip with the two of them was the worst trip of my life. It was much, much harder than I anticipated, and we ended up deciding to just stay close to home until they got a smidge older. But that being said - I know plenty of people who travel with babies (even twins) and it's NBD. It's both baby personality dependent AND parent personality dependent, and it's REALLY hard to predict.

OP here. Thanks for this. I was watching them by myself for the latter half of yesterday and need to watch them all day during the workday today, so don't have much time to thoroughly respond today. Even the questions you and others have posed have helped refine my thinking though.

This makes me think you do not do 50% or greater of the childcare. Would your wife ever say, “I was watching them by myself”? The person who does the lion’s share of childcare gets the lion’s share of decision making when it comes to how travel with the babies. The fact that she told you that you could stay at home while she travels with them means that she is fine without your help. She is also alleviating you of any responsibility in terms of enduring hardship during travel and feeling any responsibility. Travel is just a means to an end, and the end is visiting family, which is very valuable to her. It could also be the case that when she visits her family, she will have an abundance of help, enabling her to relax and enjoy the trip, which makes the travel worthwhile.

As a mom who traveled solo with infants and toddlers on transpacific and transatlantic flights several times a year, it mostly sucks, but it’s not like you are fleeing across the Mediterranean in a rubber dinghy. You are on a plane, there are flight attendants, there are helpful strangers, there are bathrooms, there are strollers. Compared to birthing twins, it’s no big deal.

And stop with the “she’s quite sensitive” and separating is anathema”. She sounds like she is confident in her ability to travel with the kids, so why are you standing in the way?

Well you would be wrong. I was specifically asked if I watched them solo, so that was intended to be responsive to that. There is no need for a tit-for-tat, back-patting accounting of who does what here; she is more than satisfied with my contribution in that regard and says as much frequently.

She is sensitive and says as much. Why do you presume to know more than what she herself professes?

Other comments have been helpful in this thread but yours...not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

Mom here who would not have been separated from my babies at that age. Wedding, sure. Christmas, maybe (it's a very germy time to travel with babies). But the "just to see everyone" visit is unnecessary. I'd talk to her about the kids' immune systems, the fact that RFK isn't going to let them be vaccinated for Covid, and sleep hygiene. I'd also make it clear that you're open to members of her family visiting you at your home.

Tell me you have purple hair without telling me

[Anonymous]

Why don't you like this plan? Why would you ask her to go without the kids?

Obv there could be lots of reasons as to why a new-ish parent would not like this plan. But what's *your* reasoning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most airlines won't let you travel with two infants. Check the rules (twin mom here!)

ETA: Alone with 2 infants. You have to have 1 adult to 1 infant.

Not if you buy seats. My oldest are twins and we never flew without seats for them. It was easier for everyone to have their car seats bc they were used to them in the car and transitioned to flying like it was no big deal. That said, I wouldn’t fly alone w/ 2 infants for longer than an hour flight bc the near impossible thing is if you need the restroom or if one twin needs to be changed in the restroom. It’s impossible unless you want to ask a stranger to watch one or both of your babies, and I never would have felt comfortable with that. Perhaps your wife could just stay a bit longer with her family instead of bringing the babies home and back again?
Another suggestion would be to have her mom or sister fly to you and fly home with them.
Finally, I think your wife is really ignoring or discounting how disruptive travel is to baby’s schedules. Not just the actual travel or during the trip, but there’s also an adjustment period when you get home. When any of my kids were infants, I avoided a lot of travel to keep the routine more consistent. Also, when my twins and youngest who was also a preemie were infants, we were strongly advised against air travel during flu season. You do not want sick kids away from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

Mom here who would not have been separated from my babies at that age. Wedding, sure. Christmas, maybe (it's a very germy time to travel with babies). But the "just to see everyone" visit is unnecessary. I'd talk to her about the kids' immune systems, the fact that RFK isn't going to let them be vaccinated for Covid, and sleep hygiene. I'd also make it clear that you're open to members of her family visiting you at your home.

Tell me you have purple hair without telling me

Bad guess, but deductive logic isn't y'all's strong suit.

[Anonymous]

Meh-I had twin and a 2 yo and traveled all the time solo, including the first year. I had to drive to see family when solo b/c 3 kids with 1 parent may not be allowed on flights (even when you buy the seats. It was fine. Eventually you arrive, someone local takes the kids and you have a glass of wine and forget about any difficulties by the following day.