Travel w/ Twins

[Anonymous]

As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should. Moms and babies are very attached. Separating them is physically painful. She doesn't have to travel as much - you can tell her its too much for the babies and it might resonate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

I can't believe you think traveling solo with your twins would work. Would you do it?

Yes, cut back on travel but please listen to your wife when she says she doesn't want to be apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As of now, I am trying to be understanding and not upset my wife by saying too much on this issue, but I can't help but feel that this situation is less than ideal.

We have 8-month old twin girls and are discussing upcoming travel plans. My wife is very close with her family and would like to take the babies (and me) to her hometown three separate times over the next 4 months, through the holidays. One is just to visit and see everyone, another is for a wedding and the third is for Christmas. In her preference each trip would be at least a week in duration. I also have a family wedding that we will be traveling for during this time period. We are using this wedding as a pretext to spend time with my family and community who have been clamoring to see the babies. She has friends in my hometown as well, so some of the time in the town where my family is from would also be spent showing the babies to her friends, and I will likely have to turn people away that would like to see the babies because time is limited.

She is very attached to the babies, quite sensitive at the moment and the idea of being away from them overnight is anathema to her. I have tried to be reasonable and "cut" several other potential trips or family obligations with my side because I feel that would be entirely too much travel for them and for us and disruptive of their schedule. She does prefer to skip any of the trips to her hometown and the solution she is proposing is that if I think it is too much travel, I can just stay home and she can travel with the twins herself to her hometown for those trips.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells if I tell her to cut back on one of her desired trips or travel without the babies, but that leaves a situation where things seem a bit imbalanced and inflexible. If feels like my family and preferences are being "squeezed out" she both wants to spend a lot of time with her family and also does not want to be away from the babies.

Should I just bite the bullet on this one in the short term?

I can't believe you think traveling solo with your twins would work. Would you do it?

Yes, cut back on travel but please listen to your wife when she says she doesn't want to be apart.

Thanks. Sorry if I wasn't clear. I think solo travel with twins would be a huge undertaking; that was her proposal to still be able travel home.

The issue here is that she doesn't want to be apart from them, but she also doesn't want to cut back on travel at all.

[Anonymous]

Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t cut anything, add extra visits on your side. You’ll either love it or she’ll hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t cut anything, add extra visits on your side. You’ll either love it or she’ll hate it.

LOL, I've thought of this, but it would be utter chaos on planes every few weeks if I did this. I don't think anyone would win in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

You are working through/conflating a bunch of different issues in this post and would really benefit from unpacking them. (I am a parent of twins and did solo and not solo travel with them as infants).

First, A LOT depends on the distance and mode of travel for these trips. A 2-4 hour drive solo with twins that age for a one week trip is no big deal. But a cross country flight is a lot.

What types of travel have you done so far that have worked well/not well? What do each of you think is *too much* travel for the babies? Why?

How much are you willing to be away from the babies if she travels solo with them? Will she have more day-to-day help with them while visiting her family than home with you?

Can you figure out a way to address the imbalance you feel about visiting each of your families? It's perfectly reasonable to limit visits with her friends when you go to her hometown, but there are also LOTS and lots of other ways to solve that problem. The fact that it's looming large suggests that you're not really communicating well.

What are your work obligations? What are hers?

Recognize that you are both probably more exhausted than you've ever been and it's not going to get better for a while - but communicating more rather than less is the answer to figuring things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

PP here.

Okay, progress. Understanding her motivations is important. I'd go into question mode. "What happens if this trip is really, really hard and we don't feel up to three more trips in the next four months? Which of the other three would we cut? Is there any way for your family to come to us?"

How much longer is it until her family wedding? If she's gone 8 months without seeing them, I think she can make it two more. I agree with you that this trip would be a mistake.

I would also be willing, if I were you, to pay for her to fly solo even if it was a super short trip so she could get back to the babies quickly. So if she was planning a week, and she doesn't want to travel without the babies, even if it's a flight, could she just go for 24-48 hours? Might that scratch the itch to see family without taking her from the babies for too long?

I also notice that you didn't answer my later questions - about whether you're an equal partner in childcare or not. Even completely separately from these trips, I think it's really important for you to be watching the babies solo for short periods of time. Is that happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

PP here.

Okay, progress. Understanding her motivations is important. I'd go into question mode. "What happens if this trip is really, really hard and we don't feel up to three more trips in the next four months? Which of the other three would we cut? Is there any way for your family to come to us?"

How much longer is it until her family wedding? If she's gone 8 months without seeing them, I think she can make it two more. I agree with you that this trip is a risk not worth taking.

I would also be willing, if I were you, to pay for her to fly solo even if it was a super short trip so she could get back to the babies quickly. So if she was planning a week, and she doesn't want to travel without the babies, even if it's a flight, could she just go for 24-48 hours? Might that scratch the itch to see family without taking her from the babies for too long? It might sound silly to pay a lot for a tiny trip, but it might be your best option.

I also notice that you didn't answer my later questions - about whether you're an equal partner in childcare or not. Even completely separately from these trips, I think it's really important for you to be watching the babies solo for short periods of time. Is that happening?

PP just to add context to my thought process here - I didn't have twins, but I did have two 18 months apart, and it was during the pandemic so we didn't travel when the first was tiny, so the first time we were traveling was with both of them at like 4 months/22 months old. That first trip with the two of them was the worst trip of my life. It was much, much harder than I anticipated, and we ended up deciding to just stay close to home until they got a smidge older. But that being said - I know plenty of people who travel with babies (even twins) and it's NBD. It's both baby personality dependent AND parent personality dependent, and it's REALLY hard to predict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t cut anything, add extra visits on your side. You’ll either love it or she’ll hate it.

LOL, I've thought of this, but it would be utter chaos on planes every few weeks if I did this. I don't think anyone would win in this scenario.

But in 4 months you’ll hear “you were right honey, next time I’ll listen to you”. Then you won!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any overnight trips with the babies yet? If so, how did they go?

If not - which is the first trip? If it's the wedding, then I would definitely plan to go to the wedding, all four of you, and the only thing I would insist upon at this stage is that planning for the other trips be with an eye to having the option to cancel. Refundable tickets, etc. Keeping family expectations in check. Then see how the first trip goes and go from there.

If the trip that's not for any specific reason is first, I think its really really reasonable to push back and suggest cancelling that trip or postponing until after Christmas once you both know how travel goes for you and the babies. You don't want to burn all four of you out on a very optional trip in advance of two trips that are more special opportunities (the weddings). You're a parent, too, and if you think it's too much for both you and the babies, and you also don't want to be apart from the babies, that's totally reasonable.

Big note: Are you an equal partner in childcare? Are you both back at work? Does she regularly take care of both babies solo? Do you regularly take care of both babies solo? If the answer to all of those questions is yes, great, but if not... you've got less of a leg to stand on (particularly if she regularly cares for the babies solo and you don't).

Thanks for this very thoughtful reply. This would be the first flight with the babies and they've only recently started sleeping through the night. The first trip would be the non-specific trip, but when I raised the issue that this is really optional she got upset because she's been away from her family longer than she usually is.

PP here.

Okay, progress. Understanding her motivations is important. I'd go into question mode. "What happens if this trip is really, really hard and we don't feel up to three more trips in the next four months? Which of the other three would we cut? Is there any way for your family to come to us?"

How much longer is it until her family wedding? If she's gone 8 months without seeing them, I think she can make it two more. I agree with you that this trip is a risk not worth taking.

I would also be willing, if I were you, to pay for her to fly solo even if it was a super short trip so she could get back to the babies quickly. So if she was planning a week, and she doesn't want to travel without the babies, even if it's a flight, could she just go for 24-48 hours? Might that scratch the itch to see family without taking her from the babies for too long? It might sound silly to pay a lot for a tiny trip, but it might be your best option.

I also notice that you didn't answer my later questions - about whether you're an equal partner in childcare or not. Even completely separately from these trips, I think it's really important for you to be watching the babies solo for short periods of time. Is that happening?

PP just to add context to my thought process here - I didn't have twins, but I did have two 18 months apart, and it was during the pandemic so we didn't travel when the first was tiny, so the first time we were traveling was with both of them at like 4 months/22 months old. That first trip with the two of them was the worst trip of my life. It was much, much harder than I anticipated, and we ended up deciding to just stay close to home until they got a smidge older. But that being said - I know plenty of people who travel with babies (even twins) and it's NBD. It's both baby personality dependent AND parent personality dependent, and it's REALLY hard to predict.

OP here. Thanks for this. I was watching them by myself for the latter half of yesterday and need to watch them all day during the workday today, so don't have much time to thoroughly respond today. Even the questions you and others have posed have helped refine my thinking though.

[Anonymous]

So long as it isn't your family trip that gets canceled due to difficulty level, and so long as you are okay with Christmas with your in-laws, and so long as you are okay with financial and other issues like if you don't go, I don't see a problem.

Sometimes hard times are worth the reward. Your kids having closer relationships with family with pictures and lots of roots and memories is great. Kids routines change all the time traveling or not. They will get sick, they will lose sleep, they will teethe, they will be exhausting travel or not. If travel makes her twin mom journey feel better, so be it.

Now what do you need to feel better about this? Hypotheticals and contingency planning aside. Are you worried about something else?

[Anonymous]

Are either of you working? That seems like a lot of travel and time off work. Is work a consideration for either of you?

That amount of travel seems like a lot, considering it involves flights, even without twins.

What is the financial situation - do you have a travel budget?