Husband says we have no “village”

[Anonymous]

What is up with he TRAVELS to play in golf tournaments? Who in the world has time for that with upper elementary kids? Golf is such a time suck.

Golf is great when you are single or your kids are older or go away to college. My husband and I recently started playing golf again. We both played before we had kids. It is a fun couple activity we started up again when our youngest was 16 and could drive.

Who is taking your kids to their activities while he is off spending time and money golfing?

[Anonymous]

Similar situation here except my husband doesn’t care if we have a village. We have a few friends but I’m the one who has to suggest we do anything like invite people over for dinner. Same issue with birthday parties and ways to get to know other people— he just doesn’t want to come along and talk to people. A few people have tried with us, but I think they’re tired of no reciprocation from him bc they’ll comment, wow, your husband is always so busy! At best, he’ll be in a good money snd agree to socialize, at worse, he’ll other couples we know “your friends.”

I’m not too sure what to do anymore other than just accept that he’s not interested but it gets to be a lonely existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he think relationships are formed? Typical narcissistically disordered thinking that he shouldn't have to put any work in to et results, that everyone should just magically know what a great guy he is and invite him. You need to have a Come to Jesus with him. I was married to someone like this. They're exhausting. And also, his zero-effort will start to impact you as well. People will stop inviting you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why do you need a village?

[Anonymous]

Most people here don't. If you want a village, you live where your family of origin is. Many people can't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a taker with main character syndrome.

+1

My DH complains about this too. We are both transplants here, so we have no childhood friends or family locally. He rarely attends kids/school functions and only attends kids sports functions inconsistently. Also, he does not want to join a church or country cub because of expense (we could afford it), did not want to buy a house in the neighborhoods known to be more social because houses were smaller/more expensive (wonder why?!?) and did not want me to get involved with being on a board of a local charity because we would actually have to pay money... noticing a trend? We have plenty of money and could afford all of these things.

He has no motivation to get involved in some group of his own, like playing golf or tennis or pickleball with other men. I have made mom friends, but they have not translated into couples friends. He expects me to make these mom friends and then have us magically be couples/family friends, and blames me for our lack of having these. It’s very frustrating. He says it’s me and I am not social enough.

I feel like he’s a child who wants me to set up play dates for him. But he does not see that if you want to be part of a community, you have to actually be part of the community. Although it’s frustrating, I also feel badly for him because he experiences it as a type of rejection when really it’s just a lack of understanding your environment.

Realize this is a DP but how does he get away with not going to kid/school functions? It’s also wild he expects couples friends but puts in zero effort. I’ve also posted here before that I find it’s too much pressure for parents to be couple friends and kids to also be good friends …and that assumes kids don’t have a falling out or drift apart and parents don’t split up. My preference has been for each of us to form our own friendships and are cordial/get along with the rest of their family. My DH still keeps up with college friends and also his first cousins. While that might not be a local village it still gives social avenues. And while we will sometimes divide and conquer or trade off going to our kid’s games, it’s sometimes a bonding experience for us as a couple to go to together. I don’t think we will ever forgot hearing our kid play “Hot Cross Buns” in beginning band along with the other kids that had been playing less than 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Village? What the heck are you even talking about, lmao,

[Anonymous]

Why is he uninterested in hanging out with your friends husbands?

Why WOULD he be interested? He’s supposed to be buddies with these guys just because they all have Y chromosomes? 🙄

I hate having to pretend to GAF about the husbands of DWs friends. I have my own friends.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him to organize a golf buddy + wives dinner at a restaurant. See how far that goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why is he uninterested in hanging out with your friends husbands?

Why WOULD he be interested? He’s supposed to be buddies with these guys just because they all have Y chromosomes? 🙄

I hate having to pretend to GAF about the husbands of DWs friends. I have my own friends.

Uh, because he doesn't have his own friends (at least that are willing to spend time with his kids) and seems to want a villiage. Other parents may be good canidates to get to know to see if you could be actual friends... If he didn't have an issue with how the social life was going, then yeah, he can continue to not want to meet other new people.

[Anonymous]

I do not see what you are complaining about.

[Anonymous]

Men don't make friends the way women do. Most men rely on their wives to help them make friends. I know plenty of married men who have ZERO friends and are just happy that way. Some of these are fine alone and let their wives socialize alone. Those men are tolerable. However the ones who are attached to your hip because they are friendless are an absolute nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I will never understand men who think golf is a real hobby. I was once invited to play golf, it was so boring the men who spend too much time golfing are weird as f**k. Go do something more fun, basketball, motorcycling, hiking, skydiving etc

[Anonymous]

What exactly does he want? Friends? Someone else to be doing the childcare stuff he doesn't want to do?

Our village is both friends we socialize with and ones who would help us out with things, but both of those are a two-way street. If your husband doesn't want to hang out with people, then I don't know why he's upset about not being invited to things? He sounds depressed, unless he's always been anti-social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a taker with main character syndrome.

+1

My DH complains about this too. We are both transplants here, so we have no childhood friends or family locally. He rarely attends kids/school functions and only attends kids sports functions inconsistently. Also, he does not want to join a church or country cub because of expense (we could afford it), did not want to buy a house in the neighborhoods known to be more social because houses were smaller/more expensive (wonder why?!?) and did not want me to get involved with being on a board of a local charity because we would actually have to pay money... noticing a trend? We have plenty of money and could afford all of these things.

He has no motivation to get involved in some group of his own, like playing golf or tennis or pickleball with other men. I have made mom friends, but they have not translated into couples friends. He expects me to make these mom friends and then have us magically be couples/family friends, and blames me for our lack of having these. It’s very frustrating. He says it’s me and I am not social enough.

I feel like he’s a child who wants me to set up play dates for him. But he does not see that if you want to be part of a community, you have to actually be part of the community. Although it’s frustrating, I also feel badly for him because he experiences it as a type of rejection when really it’s just a lack of understanding your environment.

Where do you find these man babies? Do they not have any friends? That would have been such a turnoff to me while dating.