Husband says we have no “village”

[Anonymous]

…but doesn’t want to take the effort to build one and I’m fresh out of ideas. Has anyone successfully navigated this?

He does golf regularly and often travels to tournaments (with my blessing). He is uninterested in joining a church, volunteering with our kids’ sports, attending birthday parties, or taking their friends to an activity. He grumbles that we had no one to spend the Fourth of July with. Complains that people never invite us over or out to events.

Our kids are late elementary age. I am somewhat close to several moms and our children have many friends. I really worked to form these bonds by inviting frequently. He is uninterested in hanging with their husbands so our families never get together. The problem? He finds weekends and breaks daunting if I don’t have a plan in place or if the kids are home (they are late elementary age).

My family isn’t local but manages to help somewhat regularly with childcare, cooking, etc. His family is closer but uninterested. He does get regular breaks by going to the gym most days of the week, and I handle all of the cleaning and little house tasks. He works from home two days/week. What are we missing here?

[Anonymous]

I hope you said all this to him in very blunt words. Don't hold back.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a taker with main character syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a taker with main character syndrome.

+1

My DH complains about this too. We are both transplants here, so we have no childhood friends or family locally. He rarely attends kids/school functions and only attends kids sports functions inconsistently. Also, he does not want to join a church or country cub because of expense (we could afford it), did not want to buy a house in the neighborhoods known to be more social because houses were smaller/more expensive (wonder why?!?) and did not want me to get involved with being on a board of a local charity because we would actually have to pay money... noticing a trend? We have plenty of money and could afford all of these things.

He has no motivation to get involved in some group of his own, like playing golf or tennis or pickleball with other men. I have made mom friends, but they have not translated into couples friends. He expects me to make these mom friends and then have us magically be couples/family friends, and blames me for our lack of having these. It’s very frustrating. He says it’s me and I am not social enough.

I feel like he’s a child who wants me to set up play dates for him. But he does not see that if you want to be part of a community, you have to actually be part of the community. Although it’s frustrating, I also feel badly for him because he experiences it as a type of rejection when really it’s just a lack of understanding your environment.

[Anonymous]

How does he think relationships are formed? Typical narcissistically disordered thinking that he shouldn't have to put any work in to et results, that everyone should just magically know what a great guy he is and invite him. You need to have a Come to Jesus with him. I was married to someone like this. They're exhausting. And also, his zero-effort will start to impact you as well. People will stop inviting you.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the posters. Sounds like he doesn’t relish time alone with kids. I think you need to make a point to leave and do your own thing on a weekend once or twice a month.

[Anonymous]

He needs to take on some of the responsibilities here and not put everything on you.

-Is he willing to assist with a simple hosted party for other families? Grill some burgers, go to the store, help ready the yard and with cleanup etc. And get to know the husbands/dads?

-Is he willing to attend at least some parties and kid sporting events and get to know the other parents a bit? I assume you guys are invited here and there to family events- does he just not attend?

-Can any of his golfing buddy relationships translate to friendships? Is he willing to invite them over with their families, or husbands and wives meet for dinner or whatever? And that is something he would need to organize because they are his friends.

If he won’t do any of those things, I don’t see how he has any room to complain. It is ridiculous that he refuses to get to know other families yet is upset that your family does not get invites.

[Anonymous]

“So you’re complaining that we don’t have a group of friends to hang out with, but you’re not willing to put in any work to make that happen. I’m not sure how to help you here, Bob. Let me know when you’ve got some ideas. I’m going out for coffee with Midge.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a taker with main character syndrome.

+1

My DH complains about this too. We are both transplants here, so we have no childhood friends or family locally. He rarely attends kids/school functions and only attends kids sports functions inconsistently. Also, he does not want to join a church or country cub because of expense (we could afford it), did not want to buy a house in the neighborhoods known to be more social because houses were smaller/more expensive (wonder why?!?) and did not want me to get involved with being on a board of a local charity because we would actually have to pay money... noticing a trend? We have plenty of money and could afford all of these things.

He has no motivation to get involved in some group of his own, like playing golf or tennis or pickleball with other men. I have made mom friends, but they have not translated into couples friends. He expects me to make these mom friends and then have us magically be couples/family friends, and blames me for our lack of having these. It’s very frustrating. He says it’s me and I am not social enough.

I feel like he’s a child who wants me to set up play dates for him. But he does not see that if you want to be part of a community, you have to actually be part of the community. Although it’s frustrating, I also feel badly for him because he experiences it as a type of rejection when really it’s just a lack of understanding your environment.

NP:

Ditto to the bolded. I think they don’t realize that, while women may be the drivers of these relationships, the men need to put in at least some effort as well. When thinking of what other families to invite to a party, most people are more likely to invite “my friend Sally who husband seems really nice too, and we’d like to get to know him better” versus “my friend Sally whose husband we’ve only seen once, and he seems standoffish….wonder what his deal is? Nah…”

[Anonymous]

Not Op but another especially frustrating thing for me is that although he wants to set up dinner dates and other activities with other families, he never wants to spend any time with just the kids and me alone. We hardly ever go to dinner as a family, or just the two of us, but he’d be happy to do a couples dinner. We don’t even go on vacation very often (although he has pressed me to set up vacations with other families, which would be a new kind of hell because he is so difficult). It’s like he just doesn’t like us and needs to distractions.

[Anonymous]

lol my DH pops up with a comment from time to time as if he's not antisocial and wasn't diagnosed with autism as an adult and actually wants to make friends. But he's functional enough that he knows he wants his life and his family to look and act a certain way.

What DH means is "I feel socially awkward and lonely, but I don't know how to express it and I don't have the energy or motivation to invest in relationships, but can you make our life look really good from the outside for other people?".

[Anonymous]

He’s responsibility free. Shame on him.
You need to tell him.

[Anonymous]

So he basically wants more free babysitters so he can spend less time parenting? He can either make some friends and then plan to trade off watching the kids (villages go both ways) or hire more help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he basically wants more free babysitters so he can spend less time parenting? [b]He can either make some friends and then plan to trade off watching the kids (villages go both ways) or hire more help.

Yes!! This!!

[Anonymous]

You aren't missing anything.

Why is he uninterested in hanging out with your friends husbands? How else would you have "couple friends" if he isn't initiating such a thing? That's the easiest (for him!) pathway to starting a village, and he's not jumping on it? You've already done the heavy lifting to start and form the relationships with the moms.

I plan more of the "structured' plans/fun and family weekend/travel plans for our family, but my spouse really takes on more of the social overatures and I sooo apprecaited that he's better at that than me. I make it point to go along with his social ideas and support them.

Can he be in charge of planning something for the kids/entire family every other weekend? And if he has nothing planned, you get to dissapear for X hours each day and he figures out how to parent?