Who plans milestone anniversaries?

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I don't think I've ever been to an anniversary party. When I think of anniversary celebrations, I think of the couple going on a special trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. I don't think I've ever been to an anniversary party. When I think of anniversary celebrations, I think of the couple going on a special trip.

OP here. Not necessarily parties. We typically go on big trips for birthdays and anniversaries.

DH and I like to go just as a couple (our kids are little and we're adventurous travelers) but parents and inlaws want family on their trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. I don't think I've ever been to an anniversary party. When I think of anniversary celebrations, I think of the couple going on a special trip.

Yes. The only couple I know who celebrates their anniversary by throwing parties is my aunt and Godfather. They're very social, have lots of friends, and like doing that. No one else I know wants to do it, or have their kids do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. I don't think I've ever been to an anniversary party. When I think of anniversary celebrations, I think of the couple going on a special trip.

We did a family vacation for which I did the research on our options and everyone picked. We all paid our own way, and the kids paid for the special anniversary dinner.

For my parents' 60th, my sister summoned us to the wildly inconvenient town where she and her spouse have a cabin. My parents stayed with her, and the rest of us fended for ourselves

[Anonymous]

My inlaws argued BITTERLY about what to do for their 50th. This meant their 2 kids spent the time leading up to it listening to each of them being angry about what the other wanted to do. It was RIDICULOUS. I told my spouse we are NEVER expecting our children to plan a thing for OUR wedding anniversary.

It was a great example about how length of marriage isn't always something to brag about.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how old people are when the time comes. Some couples are quite elderly by the 50th and so it makes sense for kids to plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting. I don't think I've ever been to an anniversary party. When I think of anniversary celebrations, I think of the couple going on a special trip.

Yes. The only couple I know who celebrates their anniversary by throwing parties is my aunt and Godfather. They're very social, have lots of friends, and like doing that. No one else I know wants to do it, or have their kids do it

The only one I've been to was for my grandparents 50th, many years ago. They had a lot of kids so it was like a family reunion. None of my aunts/uncles have had a party for milestone anniversaries but we are having one for my parents at my sister's insistence. She wants to recreate the bash my grandparents had. My dad apparently would rather have a trip with the grandkids to a lakehouse but she didn't ask first so.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws argued BITTERLY about what to do for their 50th. This meant their 2 kids spent the time leading up to it listening to each of them being angry about what the other wanted to do. It was RIDICULOUS. I told my spouse we are NEVER expecting our children to plan a thing for OUR wedding anniversary.

It was a great example about how length of marriage isn't always something to brag about.

I can relate to this- my parents don't have a great marriage and the whole thing (which we the kids paid for) felt ridiculous and performative. My one sister made a big speach at the party gushing how our parents stuck it out through thick and thin when the truth was that the only reason they didn't divorce after my dad's affair years ago was because it was too exepensive.

ILs OTOH planned their own 50th anniverary (a family trip, not a party).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Debating this now in our family. Who plans milestone anniversaries and birthdays for parents? It seems like it becomes the kids responsibility but I can’t figure out why. Is there a certain year? Like you pay and plan your 50th but by your 60th your kids do it? Why not spouse? 25th anniversary is on the couple but then 50th anniversary gets paid for by kids?

Obviously I’m asking because I’m feeling a bit crushed by responsibilities recently and sandwiched between parents and my kids. Seems like older people have just boatloads of time and excess money to plan things, at least comparatively.

It's boomer entitlement. I find anniversary parties rather tacky to begin with though....

[Anonymous]

OP, we run into this a lot. Grandparents are all retired, have lots of time. But for any gathering, including special occasions, they just put it out into the universe (ie, their children, us) and we are supposed to plan it. They would be hurt if we pushed back but at the same time, we are all super busy and planning a large gathering multiple times (and then getting negative feedback on the ideas) is hard. We end up doing about half of what they want. They mention that it didn’t happen but no reason they can’t step up! It’s not about the money, it’s about the time to plan. We see them casually quite often so we are not ignoring them generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Debating this now in our family. Who plans milestone anniversaries and birthdays for parents? It seems like it becomes the kids responsibility but I can’t figure out why. Is there a certain year? Like you pay and plan your 50th but by your 60th your kids do it? Why not spouse? 25th anniversary is on the couple but then 50th anniversary gets paid for by kids?

Obviously I’m asking because I’m feeling a bit crushed by responsibilities recently and sandwiched between parents and my kids. Seems like older people have just boatloads of time and excess money to plan things, at least comparatively.

It's boomer entitlement. I find anniversary parties rather tacky to begin with though....

You know what's tackier than an anniversary party- a REGISTRY for an anniversary party. I kid you not!! I couldn't beleive when my cousins included a registry link on the invite for my aunt/uncle's party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Debating this now in our family. Who plans milestone anniversaries and birthdays for parents? It seems like it becomes the kids responsibility but I can’t figure out why. Is there a certain year? Like you pay and plan your 50th but by your 60th your kids do it? Why not spouse? 25th anniversary is on the couple but then 50th anniversary gets paid for by kids?

Obviously I’m asking because I’m feeling a bit crushed by responsibilities recently and sandwiched between parents and my kids. Seems like older people have just boatloads of time and excess money to plan things, at least comparatively.

It's boomer entitlement. I find anniversary parties rather tacky to begin with though....

You know what's tackier than an anniversary party- a REGISTRY for an anniversary party. I kid you not!! I couldn't beleive when my cousins included a registry link on the invite for my aunt/uncle's party.

Most people that age don't want anything from a registry. They are trying to get rid of stuff.

[Anonymous]

My parents brought all the kids and grandkids on a fabulous intergenerational trip for their 50th. Their 60th was during covid, so no party or trip. At this point, 85 and 86, there will be no more grand trips, but we will likely throw have a low key dinner party when their 65th rolls around next year, definitely with all the kids and grandkids, and whatever nieces and nephews want to come as well

[Anonymous]

DH is oldest of three. When his parents hit their 50th wedding anniversary and his father’s retirement in the same year, we felt responsible for doing something for them, even though we live about 500 miles away. We kept trying to engage his parents in a planning process. We were thinking we’d reserve a private event room in a restaurant and invite a couple dozen folks to join in a celebration. DH’s parents kept turning us down and not giving feedback until after final dates for making reservations had passed. Ultimately, we took them out for a casual dinner for seven family members. We came to find out later that his parents have far more money than we do and were perfectly capable of paying for a special celebration—if they had wanted one. I no longer feel exclusively responsible for making other people’s milestones feel special. For that matter, I don’t think anyone will step in and make my upcoming milestone celebration special, nor do I expect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is oldest of three. When his parents hit their 50th wedding anniversary and his father’s retirement in the same year, we felt responsible for doing something for them, even though we live about 500 miles away. We kept trying to engage his parents in a planning process. We were thinking we’d reserve a private event room in a restaurant and invite a couple dozen folks to join in a celebration. DH’s parents kept turning us down and not giving feedback until after final dates for making reservations had passed. Ultimately, we took them out for a casual dinner for seven family members. We came to find out later that his parents have far more money than we do and were perfectly capable of paying for a special celebration—if they had wanted one. I no longer feel exclusively responsible for making other people’s milestones feel special. For that matter, I don’t think anyone will step in and make my upcoming milestone celebration special, nor do I expect it.

I mean, it doesn't sound like they really wanted a big milestone celebration, you were just trying to force it. My ILs didn't want a party and DH and his sister respected that. They wanted to do a family trip with just the kids/grandkids instead, which we did.