Brother in Law's comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just was joking that you were the kid staying with her parents. You’re way too sensitive, letting it ruin your day, posting online for advice. How to navigate? Please. Laugh it off and move on. You’re obviously insecure since you mentioned not thinking you’ve behaved immaturely.

you’re ugly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else at the table comment? I would calmly ask "Interesting. Everyone else feeling the same way as BIL?"

Way to wreck a lighthearted vibe and make things awkward for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always deadpan and ask: “What do you mean by that?” when someones makes a shi$$y “joke” like that.

This is the only appropriate response. And when he backs his way out, dig in. 'No, I really don't understand what you mean and I would like to.' Nail him down to practically calling you a loser, then paraphrase. 'So, what you are saying is because I focused on law school and didn't go the traditional family route that I don't deserve a grown up meal and I deserve to be the butt of your joke? I just want to get this straight because I don't understand your thinking at all.' You should be good at doing this as a lawyer - just don't get emotional at all.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what I would have said other than “I’m confused. What do you mean by that?” And then just stare at him.

I’ve started following this guy on Instagram called @howtoconvince He’s a lawyer who offers several responses to specific situations like when someone makes an insulting comment disguised as a joke. He doesn’t analyze anything—just gives a situation and some handy responses to hold in your back pocket.

[Anonymous]

The comment was horribly rude. That said, maybe there is a weird family dynamic at play here…sharing a hotel room with your parents at age 40 is strange. Maybe it’s an expensive hotel and you want to split the cost. Fine. Maybe your parents don’t want to give up their parenting role—fear of aging/wanting to stay relevant and treating you like a child accomplishes that. Regardless, your BIL is an a*s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I feel like if I did reply in a more aggressive way, then it sort of shows that I am insecure about my role in family (which I am, but I wouldn't want to bring attention to it). To be fair, I did live with my parents for 6 months while I worked from home last year. He did make a joke then that my parents should claim me as a dependent for taxes. I could at least somewhat see the humor in that "joke", but the kids menu one just seemed like his brain has this "joke" that he wants to continue.

You have more place in your family than he does. You were born into it. You can also make comments to your sibling, if you are close to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this guy can dish it out, he needs to learn how to take it too. You have my permission to say, “You didn’t seem to have a problem accepting $$ from your in-laws for your house down payment and for X, but you want to pick on ME for splitting a hotel room cost with my parents?” He is an insecure bully and needs his balls handed to him on a platter. Wonder how he treats his wife…

+1

But the key is to stay it in a “joking”’tone back. Not aggressive. Be cloyingly sweet and smile.

He’s insecure. A lot of people are.

And call him out for accepting $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just was joking that you were the kid staying with her parents. You’re way too sensitive, letting it ruin your day, posting online for advice. How to navigate? Please. Laugh it off and move on. You’re obviously insecure since you mentioned not thinking you’ve behaved immaturely.

I mostly agree. I don’t know if you are insecure but you are certainly too sensitive to let that one comment ruin your whole day.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say for sure. While there are certainly mean-spirited people, and he may be one, there are also awkward people in the world who make jokes that fall flat. You interpreted his joke as a dig at your “immaturity” because you’re staying with your parents. Maybe it was, but it’s also possible that he was pointing out your relative youth as the youngest, compared with the rest of your siblings, and presumably himself. It does seem like you might be overly sensitive on the subject. I think you should have responded with something along the lines of, “Gee, grandpa, have you asked if they have any specials for senior citizens?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always deadpan and ask: “What do you mean by that?” when someones makes a shi$$y “joke” like that.

This is the only appropriate response. And when he backs his way out, dig in. 'No, I really don't understand what you mean and I would like to.' Nail him down to practically calling you a loser, then paraphrase. 'So, what you are saying is because I focused on law school and didn't go the traditional family route that I don't deserve a grown up meal and I deserve to be the butt of your joke? I just want to get this straight because I don't understand your thinking at all.' You should be good at doing this as a lawyer - just don't get emotional at all.

That would make the meal uncomfortable for everyone else at the breakfast. She should have just let it go and roll off her shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Option 1 - Shift the focus on him: “Something bothering you, Simon?”

Option 2 - Discourage future jokes about you: “Haha Simon. You think I am a kid? I make three times more than you. Haha”

Use in the future in a variety of settings: “You seem a little obsessed with what I should be doing” or just “Hmmm that’s an odd thing to say” “Hmmm you sound a bit unhinged”

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re leaving out whether the joke was a one time thing or a common occurrence. If it was a one time thing, then I agree with the other poster who suggested it was nothing more than a lame joke because you’re in the same room as the parents.

[Anonymous]

BIL sounds like a pedo if he can't stop thinking about kids.

[Anonymous]

If you really wanted to kick the hornet’s nest, you could say, “Why are you so infatuated with me?”

[Anonymous]

I had a BIL who would make borderline inappropriate jokes like that. They never bothered me, because I felt secure in my life and I know he was a decent person at heart - he spent years with an NGO rebuilding after the Indonesian tsunami. I would just laugh or volley a snarky comment right back at him. Sadly he died of a brain tumor in his 40s. We all miss him.

I think your feelings are more about how you view yourself than the sort of person he is.