Help me attract guys who are right for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On paper, I look like a “wholesome girl next door” type. I’m 24 years old but look 19 (as is common for East Asians like myself), 5’6” and 130 pounds, and look relatively conventional; I have no tattoos or piercings, and my wardrobe is pretty standard (lots of Zara/H&M/Uniqlo/Madewell/Abercrombie/Athleta).

I think a lot of guys who match with me on dating apps are expecting a “wholesome Asian girl” when they meet me. But that’s the total opposite of my personality — I can be pretty unhinged and weird (in both good and bad ways). I am very, very funny, and I think that turns guys off when they’re expecting a docile little Asian girl. I can be sarcastic and generally run with an “alternative, edgy” crowd; I’m the only one in my friend group with no tattoos or piercings (besides my ears), which is extremely rare in the city I live in (not DC).

I’ve had some serious issues in the past; I dropped out of an HYPS school after my freshman year due to drug issues and severe mental health problems and spent a year in rehab while working random jobs. I ended up spending my last three years of college at an all-women’s liberal arts college. While this was beneficial for me in many ways, I was one of the (few) straight women there, so I graduated college last year very underdeveloped in the dating realm. I currently work as a music journalist, which is also a job that doesn’t put me in contact with a lot of straight men. I also find that disclosing my dark past surprises a lot of guys since they would never expect someone who looks like me to struggle with a drug habit.

The guys who try to pursue me (mostly on dating apps but also in real life) can be generally categorized into two types:

1. Guys who are attracted to my first impression as a “wholesome Asian girl.” These are white/Asian guys who usually work as engineers (sometimes also in finance or med school) who want a stereotypical quiet Asian girl (which I seem like at first). When they really get to know me, they’re turned off by my crazy past, sense of humor, and my generally edgy and non conforming friend group. I also find that generally these men are not good at respecting boundaries, especially when I break out of their expectations of me.

2. Guys who are docile and passive and want a similar partner. My last boyfriend fell into this category; I dated him for a little less than a year, and it worked out fairly poorly since he was unable to put up any boundaries and also had a much lower libido than me. He was genuinely shocked when I asked to have sex with him two months into seeing him. I understand that this is rare for men but for some reason, these guys are disproportionately attracted to me.

Anyways… is there anything I can do to try to attract the type of guy I want? I think sometimes it would be easier to date if I looked like my friends — lots of tattoos and piercings, “alternative” wardrobe…. But I don’t really have the money or desire for any of that right now, so here we are. And before someone else comments — I’d rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am, dark past and sarcastic personality and all.

Date black men.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're approaching this wrong. "Guys you attract"? That's passive. Instead empower yourself. Be healthy, highlight what's healthy about you, not weird - and you choose.

Finding a mate is not that different than finding a job. You network, you introduce yourself. You put yourself out there. You present yourself well. There are a lot of dead ends and that shouldn't ne a surprise to you. It's a number's game.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, what exactly are the qualities you are looking for in a man? Do you even know? Its not about who wants you, its about what you want.

Id recommend making a few lists - must haves, nice to haves, and deal breakers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I also think you might want to spice up your appearance a little.

Lol I just recommended magnetic ear studs on another thread here. Those exist.

Also hair dye/highlighting can give some hints. Learn to DIY.

+1 First impressions matter. Also, think about what you're writing in online profiles, choose photos that show your personality, hang out with more music scene friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not clear about what you want. Do you want a person who is just like you? Then you should look for a person like you.

Why are you going for anyone who you know would want a wholesome Asian girl who is not messed up in the head, and then feel disappointed that the 'great love' has not happened for you.

If you think you are edgy, then go for the edgy guy and be prepared to accept whatever the edginess gets you. Cheating, drugs etc. You think that your dark history and edginess is the spice that normal guys will be happy with. No. No one wants drama.

You sound confused. Also, in terms of looks, maturity, dating history, mental and physical health, career success, financial solvency, goals and aspirations, value system - you are not bringing a lot to the table.

Ya, I’d drop the “edgy” vibe and go for normal, drama free guys. Don't lead with your past; it's behind you and doesn't need to come up until much later in the dating process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On paper, I look like a “wholesome girl next door” type. I’m 24 years old but look 19 (as is common for East Asians like myself), 5’6” and 130 pounds, and look relatively conventional; I have no tattoos or piercings, and my wardrobe is pretty standard (lots of Zara/H&M/Uniqlo/Madewell/Abercrombie/Athleta).

I think a lot of guys who match with me on dating apps are expecting a “wholesome Asian girl” when they meet me. But that’s the total opposite of my personality — I can be pretty unhinged and weird (in both good and bad ways). I am very, very funny, and I think that turns guys off when they’re expecting a docile little Asian girl. I can be sarcastic and generally run with an “alternative, edgy” crowd; I’m the only one in my friend group with no tattoos or piercings (besides my ears), which is extremely rare in the city I live in (not DC).

I’ve had some serious issues in the past; I dropped out of an HYPS school after my freshman year due to drug issues and severe mental health problems and spent a year in rehab while working random jobs. I ended up spending my last three years of college at an all-women’s liberal arts college. While this was beneficial for me in many ways, I was one of the (few) straight women there, so I graduated college last year very underdeveloped in the dating realm. I currently work as a music journalist, which is also a job that doesn’t put me in contact with a lot of straight men. I also find that disclosing my dark past surprises a lot of guys since they would never expect someone who looks like me to struggle with a drug habit.

The guys who try to pursue me (mostly on dating apps but also in real life) can be generally categorized into two types:

1. Guys who are attracted to my first impression as a “wholesome Asian girl.” These are white/Asian guys who usually work as engineers (sometimes also in finance or med school) who want a stereotypical quiet Asian girl (which I seem like at first). When they really get to know me, they’re turned off by my crazy past, sense of humor, and my generally edgy and non conforming friend group. I also find that generally these men are not good at respecting boundaries, especially when I break out of their expectations of me.

2. Guys who are docile and passive and want a similar partner. My last boyfriend fell into this category; I dated him for a little less than a year, and it worked out fairly poorly since he was unable to put up any boundaries and also had a much lower libido than me. He was genuinely shocked when I asked to have sex with him two months into seeing him. I understand that this is rare for men but for some reason, these guys are disproportionately attracted to me.

Anyways… is there anything I can do to try to attract the type of guy I want? I think sometimes it would be easier to date if I looked like my friends — lots of tattoos and piercings, “alternative” wardrobe…. But I don’t really have the money or desire for any of that right now, so here we are. And before someone else comments — I’d rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am, dark past and sarcastic personality and all.

Date black men.

Second this. As an Asian, your children will already have a more difficult time getting into college no matter how hard they try. Marrying white doesn't help much unless rich. Black children on the other hand stand a much better chance.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are a lot more Asian women like you than you seem to realize, and a lot more men (Asian and non-Asian) who will be drawn to people like you. You just have to get to know them and let them get to know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy first.

Also, you need to work a lot on yourself. Have some real tangible goals in terms of career, health, hobbies, travel, finances, charity work, causes & passions etc. Work on that first. Become an interesting and mature personality (and that has nothing to do with being edgy, sarcastic, dark, goth, prim, wild etc - I am not talking about adopting personas) on your own.

Develop self-confidence, self-worth and self-respect - you will attract the right person when you are your genuine and independent self.

Evolve.

This. To secure a great partner, you have to be a great partner. Become the best version of yourself and you’ll attract people who like that.