Help me attract guys who are right for me

Anonymous
On paper, I look like a “wholesome girl next door” type. I’m 24 years old but look 19 (as is common for East Asians like myself), 5’6” and 130 pounds, and look relatively conventional; I have no tattoos or piercings, and my wardrobe is pretty standard (lots of Zara/H&M/Uniqlo/Madewell/Abercrombie/Athleta).

I think a lot of guys who match with me on dating apps are expecting a “wholesome Asian girl” when they meet me. But that’s the total opposite of my personality — I can be pretty unhinged and weird (in both good and bad ways). I am very, very funny, and I think that turns guys off when they’re expecting a docile little Asian girl. I can be sarcastic and generally run with an “alternative, edgy” crowd; I’m the only one in my friend group with no tattoos or piercings (besides my ears), which is extremely rare in the city I live in (not DC).

I’ve had some serious issues in the past; I dropped out of an HYPS school after my freshman year due to drug issues and severe mental health problems and spent a year in rehab while working random jobs. I ended up spending my last three years of college at an all-women’s liberal arts college. While this was beneficial for me in many ways, I was one of the (few) straight women there, so I graduated college last year very underdeveloped in the dating realm. I currently work as a music journalist, which is also a job that doesn’t put me in contact with a lot of straight men. I also find that disclosing my dark past surprises a lot of guys since they would never expect someone who looks like me to struggle with a drug habit.

The guys who try to pursue me (mostly on dating apps but also in real life) can be generally categorized into two types:

1. Guys who are attracted to my first impression as a “wholesome Asian girl.” These are white/Asian guys who usually work as engineers (sometimes also in finance or med school) who want a stereotypical quiet Asian girl (which I seem like at first). When they really get to know me, they’re turned off by my crazy past, sense of humor, and my generally edgy and non conforming friend group. I also find that generally these men are not good at respecting boundaries, especially when I break out of their expectations of me.

2. Guys who are docile and passive and want a similar partner. My last boyfriend fell into this category; I dated him for a little less than a year, and it worked out fairly poorly since he was unable to put up any boundaries and also had a much lower libido than me. He was genuinely shocked when I asked to have sex with him two months into seeing him. I understand that this is rare for men but for some reason, these guys are disproportionately attracted to me.

Anyways… is there anything I can do to try to attract the type of guy I want? I think sometimes it would be easier to date if I looked like my friends — lots of tattoos and piercings, “alternative” wardrobe…. But I don’t really have the money or desire for any of that right now, so here we are. And before someone else comments — I’d rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am, dark past and sarcastic personality and all.
Anonymous
Guy here: I think you are overthinking. I have dated, and know a lot of guys who have dated, Asian women. I don’t think that most such men are looking for “wholesomeness” or “docility” in making that choice. I’m sure such men exist, of course, and there are definitely some guys with an Asian fetish, which is creepy. But in general, it sounds like you’re looking for a cool kind of guy; there aren’t enough cool guys to go around so its kind of a numbers game; anyone who is the kind of guy you’re looking for probably gets a lot of interest from women and is in high demand. All you can really do is stop wasting your time with men who bore you and put yourself out there; no silver bullet.
Anonymous
You are not clear about what you want. Do you want a person who is just like you? Then you should look for a person like you.

Why are you going for anyone who you know would want a wholesome Asian girl who is not messed up in the head, and then feel disappointed that the 'great love' has not happened for you.

If you think you are edgy, then go for the edgy guy and be prepared to accept whatever the edginess gets you. Cheating, drugs etc. You think that your dark history and edginess is the spice that normal guys will be happy with. No. No one wants drama.

You sound confused. Also, in terms of looks, maturity, dating history, mental and physical health, career success, financial solvency, goals and aspirations, value system - you are not bringing a lot to the table.
Anonymous
Get off the apps and go places where the dudes you seek hang out. Biker bars as opposed to country clubs, for example.
Anonymous
Therapy first.

Also, you need to work a lot on yourself. Have some real tangible goals in terms of career, health, hobbies, travel, finances, charity work, causes & passions etc. Work on that first. Become an interesting and mature personality (and that has nothing to do with being edgy, sarcastic, dark, goth, prim, wild etc - I am not talking about adopting personas) on your own.

Develop self-confidence, self-worth and self-respect - you will attract the right person when you are your genuine and independent self.

Evolve.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:On paper, I look like a “wholesome girl next door” type. I’m 24 years old but look 19 (as is common for East Asians like myself), 5’6” and 130 pounds, and look relatively conventional; I have no tattoos or piercings, and my wardrobe is pretty standard (lots of Zara/H&M/Uniqlo/Madewell/Abercrombie/Athleta).

I think a lot of guys who match with me on dating apps are expecting a “wholesome Asian girl” when they meet me. But that’s the total opposite of my personality — I can be pretty unhinged and weird (in both good and bad ways). I am very, very funny, and I think that turns guys off when they’re expecting a docile little Asian girl. I can be sarcastic and generally run with an “alternative, edgy” crowd; I’m the only one in my friend group with no tattoos or piercings (besides my ears), which is extremely rare in the city I live in (not DC).

I’ve had some serious issues in the past; I dropped out of an HYPS school after my freshman year due to drug issues and severe mental health problems and spent a year in rehab while working random jobs. I ended up spending my last three years of college at an all-women’s liberal arts college. While this was beneficial for me in many ways, I was one of the (few) straight women there, so I graduated college last year very underdeveloped in the dating realm. I currently work as a music journalist, which is also a job that doesn’t put me in contact with a lot of straight men. I also find that disclosing my dark past surprises a lot of guys since they would never expect someone who looks like me to struggle with a drug habit.

The guys who try to pursue me (mostly on dating apps but also in real life) can be generally categorized into two types:

1. Guys who are attracted to my first impression as a “wholesome Asian girl.” These are white/Asian guys who usually work as engineers (sometimes also in finance or med school) who want a stereotypical quiet Asian girl (which I seem like at first). When they really get to know me, they’re turned off by my crazy past, sense of humor, and my generally edgy and non conforming friend group. I also find that generally these men are not good at respecting boundaries, especially when I break out of their expectations of me.

2. Guys who are docile and passive and want a similar partner. My last boyfriend fell into this category; I dated him for a little less than a year, and it worked out fairly poorly since he was unable to put up any boundaries and also had a much lower libido than me. He was genuinely shocked when I asked to have sex with him two months into seeing him. I understand that this is rare for men but for some reason, these guys are disproportionately attracted to me.

Anyways… is there anything I can do to try to attract the type of guy I want? I think sometimes it would be easier to date if I looked like my friends — lots of tattoos and piercings, “alternative” wardrobe…. But I don’t really have the money or desire for any of that right now, so here we are. And before someone else comments — I’d rather be single than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am, dark past and sarcastic personality and all.


I don't know what's happening with men today. Maybe my generation (I am 45) is a generation of sexual generates lol. If a girl ask me to have sex with her 2 months after dating and it's the first time, we will have sex for 3 hours minimum. You know how long I have been waiting for that by then?
Anonymous
Are you in California? If not, you may want to move there.

Since you're in music journalism, I suggest trying to meet radio guys. Some of them (in my flyover home) seem able to form normal families. But they are familiar with musicians and edgy people.

You might also try the people who are a bit counterculture like classical music teacher/cabinetmaker types.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Get off the apps and go places where the dudes you seek hang out. Biker bars as opposed to country clubs, for example.

+1 haha not biker bars, but where the music scene is since that is your background as a music journalist. There are lot of straight men in the music industry. Not sure why you are having a hard time finding a hetero male in the music industry.

FWIW, I'm East Asian, and like you, look wholesome, petite, but most of my friends in HS were edgy -- skinhead and punk types. And my personality definitely does not attract men who want docile. LOL
Anonymous
PP, I also think you might want to spice up your appearance a little.

Lol I just recommended magnetic ear studs on another thread here. Those exist.

Also hair dye/highlighting can give some hints. Learn to DIY.

There's a married aerospace engineer lady at my work who likes to dye the ends of her very straight, otherwise normal dark brunette hair (blue, pink). She enjoys that and likes to talk about it. So I clearly remember that she is trying to communicate some quirkiness. Seems like you're not giving any quirk, and people do expect some cues.
Anonymous
I think the issue is that you are a bit unhinged and it is clear to people. Period. The problem is not that you are East Asian and people have their biases.

At any rate, I don't get why you aren't meeting "edgy" men, given that that is what your friend group is.
Anonymous
stop using apps. You’re 24 and you don’t have kids. What is keeping you from living in the real world and doing real things?
Anonymous
I think you need to be more discerning while dating. If they want wholesome? Dump and move on. If they have low libido and dont want to have sex? Dump and move on. If they seem docile and passive? Dump and move on.

Also make sure you aren't dulling yourself down during the get to know you process. More matches is not necessarily better if they arent good fits.
Anonymous
Present your genuine self. You seem to be doing bait and switch.

Also, the docile, marry a well employed nerdy STEM dude, wholesome East Asian part - may actually be a part of who you are and the dark, troubled, quirky, edgy part may also be a part of you (the rebel). But, yes, you need to feel good about who you are without hiding it. Be genuine self on the first meeting as well as after 2nd month.

You may want to have a lot of conversations before you go out for a date. Ditch the apps. Become the person worth knowing. You are showing a persona that is not the true you. And it does not have anything to do with being an East Asian. You are a hot mess. Girl, please love yourself - you have all the time in the world to develop as a person.
Anonymous
You only mention what they want.
What do you want?
It sounds like you want wholesome but not someone who himself wants wholesome in a partner.
Anonymous
You don’t have to get weird tattoos or piercings, just use pictures where you look “quirky”. So, goofy fashion or poses, maybe ugly rainbow hair color or wild make up, strange graphic Ts with anime or graphic details.

Then if you want to weed out men looking for a docile Asian woman, just be strong and outspoken on early dates. DO NOT trauma about being an addict early on - most men (and people) will run away.

Finally, open your mind. A tech or finance guy could be a good fit if he loves you for your true self.

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