Spouse Keeps List

[Anonymous]

I keep a list, but mine includes all people and business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I needed to get something off my spouse's phone and saw they had open a note with my name. Yes, I read it and not sure if I am happy I did or regret it. It was basically a list of all the things I have done over the years to make them upset or parts of my personality they do not like. Most I knew about as they have come up in arguments and I had my chance to give my perspective on what occurred and/or apologised. But it was shocking to see this list that contained such visceral reactions to situations. Of note, it seems my spouse will give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt except it seems me. What would you do?

How gross.

Is he OCD about everything?

When and what was the last entry.

Protect yourself and plan your exit. He sounds mental. Has he made any effort to talk through anything on the list ever?

[Anonymous]

My spouse knows all my grievances about them. No need for a digital list.

It’s a bad joke now everytime I find the opened moldy cheese in the fridge or the unlocked front door or am asked to find an email for him in his inbox.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure I’ve read this exact post before. I had to check the date to make it wasn’t a ghost thread. Is OP trolling? I wish I could find the other thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't this a Friends episode? Didn't Ross keep a list?

Yes. Rachel has fat ankles and doesn't have a real job.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been together over 25 years. It used to be that I’d voice things I was upset about and then kind of snowball until I realized what was actually bothering me. It’s been much better since I’ve taken the time to write things down that are bothering me, sleep on them or figure out which ones are worth addressing and which ones are just because I’m tired, or hangry or whatever. I do bring up the things that matter and we discuss things pretty well, but I am sure there are lists around - I’ve even come across old lists before. Any chance that’s what’s happening? My husband knows I now journal my initial feelings / get the frustration out so I don’t think he’d be shocked if he found lists.

[Anonymous]

How is your marriage otherwise? Was everything fine until you saw this list? If so I would try to put it in the back of my mind. It’s probably just your spouse thinking this through and trying to wrap his/her head around it.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm sorry OP. I keep a list on my phone with my spouse's name on it but it's a list of little loving things he has done for me. I can't even imagine keeping a list of bad things because that's just not the way my brain works. I'm not even sure what I'd put on there, honestly, but I'd never want to focus on something he did that annoyed me!

[Anonymous]

My wife has an internal list, it contains pretty much every infraction going back to spilling a bloody Mary New Year’s morning.

The list can be accessed via date and its proximity to some occasion, the perceived infraction and my handling of the aftermath.
There are also occasional global complaints, the most recent being “you’re the reason I don’t have any friends”.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to mention, I spilled the bloody Mary New Year’s morning Y2K

[Anonymous]

I started keeping a list in response to gaslighting. It was just a list of all the times he got home after 8 pm or all the "work travel" he was scheduling. We ended up in therapy, and I then dropped the list once I felt heard.

[Anonymous]

You guys are all in super well functioning relationships. Good thing you never say “stfu” though because that would be a bridge too far!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed to get something off my spouse's phone and saw they had open a note with my name. Yes, I read it and not sure if I am happy I did or regret it. It was basically a list of all the things I have done over the years to make them upset or parts of my personality they do not like. Most I knew about as they have come up in arguments and I had my chance to give my perspective on what occurred and/or apologised. But it was shocking to see this list that contained such visceral reactions to situations. Of note, it seems my spouse will give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt except it seems me. What would you do?

How gross.

Is he OCD about everything?

When and what was the last entry.

Protect yourself and plan your exit. He sounds mental. Has he made any effort to talk through anything on the list ever?

No, he actually isn't OCD at all. The last entry was I think a few months ago- it was hard to tell exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been together over 25 years. It used to be that I’d voice things I was upset about and then kind of snowball until I realized what was actually bothering me. It’s been much better since I’ve taken the time to write things down that are bothering me, sleep on them or figure out which ones are worth addressing and which ones are just because I’m tired, or hangry or whatever. I do bring up the things that matter and we discuss things pretty well, but I am sure there are lists around - I’ve even come across old lists before. Any chance that’s what’s happening? My husband knows I now journal my initial feelings / get the frustration out so I don’t think he’d be shocked if he found lists.

This is a good perspective and something to think about. Maybe this is his "journal" so to speak and a way to work through issues before saying something he regrets. I will try and give him the benefit of the doubt...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your marriage otherwise? Was everything fine until you saw this list? If so I would try to put it in the back of my mind. It’s probably just your spouse thinking this through and trying to wrap his/her head around it.

Over the recent past (6-8 months), I think our relationship has been normal to good. We have definitely gone through rocky times which we have both contributed to.