Nervous about being a single parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

You are not a single parent. Are there grandparents on either side? You also have a rx who is likely to have some custody unless there is a site proof that he is a danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

You are not a single parent. Are there grandparents on either side? You also have a rx who is likely to have some custody unless there is a site proof that he is a danger.

You and the other "you are not a single parent" jacka$$es are insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who has been in the situation of needing to separate and ensure my children's safety. I don't know why you think your children are not safe with their father, and I don't need you to tell me, but I am glad that you think that he will give you custody.

If you have immediate safety concerns (this was my situation), I would start by getting your children to someplace safe. Whether that's a shelter, or a relative's home.

If you have time, I would suggest you start with three things.

1) Find a lawyer, and talk about how to secure 100% parenting time. You may think he won't ask for any time, and that might be the best outcome, but if you leaving makes him angry he may ask out of spite. Or he may realize he misses the kids, even if he doesn't engage now. Or his family may pressure him. So start with finding out what your odds are and what you can do to increase those odds.

2) Document all your financial information, and try to quietly set aside some money that you know you will be able to access if he cuts off access to accounts.

3) Think carefully about what he provides for your family. The fact that you find it scary to be a single mom tells me that there is something he is providing, maybe income, or a role in routines like driving the kids to daycare, or whatever. Think about what changes you would need to make to live without them.

Would you need a different home with a lower rent or mortgage payment? Would you need childcare with longer hours? Would you need a more flexible job? Would you need to live near family, or hire a nanny?

Which of those steps could you take now?

Good luck and stay safe!

[Anonymous]

OP here - I appreciate all of the support and thoughtful comments. We are not married, so my understanding is that I get automatic child custody unless he files for custody. We have always kept our finances separate. I can manage financially if I can keep my job, which is looking a bit unstable at the moment. The fear that I have is mainly emotional - I do not have a strong social network. I grew up in a neglectful and abusive family, so I have largely cut ties with them. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships that I am familiar with and why I ended up in this relationship. I realize this only after years of therapy.
I am suffering from moderate depression and I am getting limited amounts of sleep with an infant so taking the action of separating seems overwhelming.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I admire all of you who have and are parenting solo (in whatever form that appears). Thanks to the pp who outlined such clear to do checklist items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I appreciate all of the support and thoughtful comments. We are not married, so my understanding is that I get automatic child custody unless he files for custody. We have always kept our finances separate. I can manage financially if I can keep my job, which is looking a bit unstable at the moment. The fear that I have is mainly emotional - I do not have a strong social network. I grew up in a neglectful and abusive family, so I have largely cut ties with them. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships that I am familiar with and why I ended up in this relationship. I realize this only after years of therapy.
I am suffering from moderate depression and I am getting limited amounts of sleep with an infant so taking the action of separating seems overwhelming.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I admire all of you who have and are parenting solo (in whatever form that appears). Thanks to the pp who outlined such clear to do checklist items.

You definitely need a lawyer to discus the child custody situation.

To be clear, if he's the father named on the birth certificate, and you don't have a protective order or a custody agreement then he can walk into daycare, pick up your kids, take them out of state, etc . . . with no legal consequences.

The most dangerous time is right after a separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

You are not a single parent. Are there grandparents on either side? You also have a rx who is likely to have some custody unless there is a site proof that he is a danger.

You and the other "you are not a single parent" jacka$$es are insufferable.

Seriously. Not everyone has 50/50 custody. Not everyone coparents with their child's other parent.

I am divorced and I am definitely a single parent. I have primary custody and I do 100% of the parenting. My kids' father thinks he is a fun uncle. He did not want custody. He sees them a couple hours a week for dinner, IF he feels like it and it's convenient for him, but if he has something better to do, he blows them off. Has zero interest or involvement in school, activities, their friends/social life, doctors appts/medical care, or any actual parenting. He just does not participate at all. Yes, my kids have another parent in the sense that he exists and isn't dead, but he does not function as a parent. I am the only person parenting these kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

Sounds like more of a "I want his money" thing than anything "safety" related then.

If there is real danger, then you leave, you don't try to golddig.

[Anonymous]

Being divorced by no means makes you a single parent OP. Get that out of your head cause you’re gonna have to deal with him or her regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

You are not a single parent. Are there grandparents on either side? You also have a rx who is likely to have some custody unless there is a site proof that he is a danger.

You and the other "you are not a single parent" jacka$$es are insufferable.

Seriously. Not everyone has 50/50 custody. Not everyone coparents with their child's other parent.

I am divorced and I am definitely a single parent. I have primary custody and I do 100% of the parenting. My kids' father thinks he is a fun uncle. He did not want custody. He sees them a couple hours a week for dinner, IF he feels like it and it's convenient for him, but if he has something better to do, he blows them off. Has zero interest or involvement in school, activities, their friends/social life, doctors appts/medical care, or any actual parenting. He just does not participate at all. Yes, my kids have another parent in the sense that he exists and isn't dead, but he does not function as a parent. I am the only person parenting these kids.

That’s not what single parent means. You are not a single parent. You got pregnant by a dead beat but you aren’t a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

It will be more overwhelming to stay in a situation where you are chronically worried about safety.

Advice??
Document document document. Make sure you document all safety concerns so he is never alone with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to leave or rather have him leave for the safety of the kids. I am nervous about being a single parent to a toddler and young infant. I have a stressful job. The thought feels overwhelming. Any tips?

You are not a single parent. Are there grandparents on either side? You also have a rx who is likely to have some custody unless there is a site proof that he is a danger.

You and the other "you are not a single parent" jacka$$es are insufferable.

Seriously. Not everyone has 50/50 custody. Not everyone coparents with their child's other parent.

I am divorced and I am definitely a single parent. I have primary custody and I do 100% of the parenting. My kids' father thinks he is a fun uncle. He did not want custody. He sees them a couple hours a week for dinner, IF he feels like it and it's convenient for him, but if he has something better to do, he blows them off. Has zero interest or involvement in school, activities, their friends/social life, doctors appts/medical care, or any actual parenting. He just does not participate at all. Yes, my kids have another parent in the sense that he exists and isn't dead, but he does not function as a parent. I am the only person parenting these kids.

That’s not what single parent means. You are not a single parent. You got pregnant by a dead beat but you aren’t a single parent.

Yes she I'd, you idiot. That's exactly what single parenting means. Parents raise kids, not contribute genetic material. Unless you are a computer and are thinking in terms of parent-child taxonomic relationships, in which case go back to mommy's basement.

[Anonymous]

Change locks.
Make sure you and two kids have health insurance
Consider an au pair

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer. You are worried about the safety of the kids then you need to make sure you get custody of them. You all are not married but you each have equal rights to the children as of right now, until the courts say otherwise. Get a peace order temporarily if you need to. You need to get a support system be it friends, family or neighbors. Document everything from text messages, emails, door cameras, daycare notes, etc.