Once a cheater, always a cheater

[Anonymous]

I do think a cheater can not do it again, but like PP said, it's rare. I cheated. In the aftermath of my actions and d-day, I realized that I never again wanted to be the type of person who thought those choices were okay, regardless of whether my H and I stayed together. One has to look in the mirror and recognize, "I'm the bad guy in this situation." And many people will do/think almost anything to avoid that fact. One has to do a lot of introspection; my H called it "peeling the onion." I peeled my onion until there was nothing left. But unfortunately most cheaters don't want to do the actual work to become a healthier person.

My H and I are still together, 15+ years after d-day. We now have kids. I am a much healthier and more authentic person. My H worked on himself too, though my choices in reality had nothing to do with him. We turn toward each other instead of away. I do wish we could have gotten here though without all of the pain I caused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating has nothing to do with a marriage, it has something to do with the person. So if they go through intense therapy or treat their bipolar, etc. Yes they can stop.

Not necessarily. Some marriages are worth risking, while others are too good or at least good enough not to risk.

Thank you for so clearly illustrating the pp's point, without seeming to even realize you'd done so.

Some people don't cheat. Period. They have conversations with their partners, open the marriage, divorce, or come up with some other high-integrity, honest solution. Some people cheat, and that's about them being cheaters. There's no excuse for it beyond that. A cheater will make up dozens of "reasons" (like "some marriages are worth risking"), and there's only one real reason: someone's personal low integrity/standards allowed them to cheat.

I'm PP. I agree. I'm in the category of people who don't cheat, period. However, I believe there's another category of people who will cheat because they don't value their marriage and family and feel like cheating is worth the risk, and there is another category of people who lack integrity and might otherwise cheat, but, they realize they've got it too good to risk their marriage for a fling.