We Always Have to Visit DW's Aunt

[Anonymous]

Set an agreed amount time Anna tell the aunt you only have an hour or whatever. Set a timer and leave when the timer goes off. Set the expectation at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

The simple answer is to visit—which is a kind and decent thing to do—but agree upon a time limit. Or drive separately. YTA, by the way.

[Anonymous]

No you shouldn’t be obligated to cut hours out of your plans every time because your wife is afraid of what her parents might say. Remind your wife that she is an adult and needs to ignore her parents comments and or stop telling them all your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless, sounds like your wife needs to stop telling her relatives where she’s going every time she leaves the house

Right? Like do the wife's parents have a tracking device implanted in her?

[Anonymous]

My ILs are this way. You can't pass through without stopping. On a rare occasion (and I've been married for almost 35 years), we couldn't make it work. But, we let them know we were passing by but because of schedules, we couldn't stop (and it wasn't just to get to see friends earlier. It's like needing to be somewhere for a mandatory class type issue).

Here's how I deal with it. I look at it as something that I do for my wife. It's important to her and she's important to me. So, I just go with it. And, our kids have never minded stopping even a little bit. They are happy to visit their grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles, whatever. Hopefully they will continue feeling that family is important and stay close with each other and with us as their lives continue and change.

[Anonymous]

So you don't actually have to be a pushover and do whatever someone tells you to, all the time. Learn to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The simple answer is to visit—which is a kind and decent thing to do—but agree upon a time limit. Or drive separately. YTA, by the way.

NP here. I agree with your first part about setting boundaries on these visits, however, not sure saying “YTA” to OP is warranted in this situation. I think most people would find a mandatory visit every time they pass through a relatives town within an hour of their own town to be excessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regardless, sounds like your wife needs to stop telling her relatives where she’s going every time she leaves the house

This

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some boundary issues. There is no way for any of these people to know you are passing through unless your wife tells them. She is putting pleasing her parents and aunt above everyone else and not making it a joint decision. A woman in her 60s is perfectly capable of creating a rich social life. Why isn't your MIL and FIL visiting her more? If your wife genuinely enjoyed visits, I would suggest she sometimes go on her own and have boundaries when you all join her. If she is doing it out of obligation that you have to wonder why she puts her parent's wishes ahead of yours. There again I would send her on her own some.

Also, what is the plan as this woman ages? Does your wife add her onto your roster of help? I had a relative I saw out of obligation who had totally unrealistic ideas about how we should be involved just because she saw us more than others. No good deed goes unpunished with some. The shit hit the fan when we could not be her point person because we were sandwiched enough. Wait till you see what it is to have years of your own parental emergencies and MIL and FIL emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is kind-hearted and charitable. I would feel terrible, since clearly the poor lady needs the visits, but yes, maybe skip some and tell your wife that no one needs to know. How on earth would her parents find out?

Or perhaps she is easily manipulated and dictating rather than making joint choices with her spouse. This is not charity and it may even be enabling an able bodies person so stay needy because she gets the attention she craves. If this were a beloved aunt who say help raised the spouse, that's one thing, but what is keeping this woman from joining senior activities, and making friends at work or volunteering? If it's depression and/or anxiety then you are not going to rescue her by visiting however she defines enough. She needs to help which may actually make your visits more enjoyable because she won't be so desperate. I would definitely have an discussion with your wife about strategies of either decreasing visits or her going on her own some and try to figure out if going so often is keeping her a "poor lady" who's lonely or keeping her from doing what she needs to do to build a fulfilling life. One of my work friends from a former workplace was the same age and single and she had many friends from work, church, etc and traveled a few times a year with her sister. When she saw her nieces and nephews she was the loving auntie always willing to babysit and be nurturing. She wasn't needy and in fact she felt bad when she had to turn down their invites because she already had plans.

[Anonymous]

How many times a year?

[Anonymous]

My dh has two uncles like this. It’s gotten easier now that we have kids. I just play with the kids while they talk. Most of the discussion is about the family tree or vegetables he’s growing. I try to be nice and kind, but one can’t hear very well and I’m very frustrated that he won’t get hearing aids. No I don’t want to shout and repeat myself nonstop.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you just stay from the very beginning that regretfully you only have a limited time to visit? Say 30 or 45 mins?

[Anonymous]

It’s only 45 minutes. Why can’t your wife go visit her aunt once in awhile when you aren’t trying to get somewhere else?