Hitting a mental block

[Anonymous]

Heck no I would not be coddling them and buying takeout for them. It would be reheatable dishes from Costco every night, like lasagna. Before leaving for work, I would set out food for breakfast (the amount you think is enough), NOT COOK ANYTHING, then they'd be on their own for lunch, and I would reheat something in the oven for family dinners. Can a friend of yours help you with a Costco run?

They've had to deal with buying plane tickets and maneuvering through the airport, they do yard work, but somehow can't start the coffee machine or cook something simple? NOPE.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that difficult to get some frozen meals, cook double for them to have for lunch. Buy some rotisserie and bags of microwave veggies for extra lunch. Make extra pancakes on Sunday and keep in fridge. Make a huge pot of soup to feed a couple meals. Get KFC 2 family meals or extra takeout meals. Order ahead and have delivered for lunch. They’re getting older this is the new normal just deal with it. Be grateful they’re still able to visit at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that difficult to get some frozen meals, cook double for them to have for lunch. Buy some rotisserie and bags of microwave veggies for extra lunch. Make extra pancakes on Sunday and keep in fridge. Make a huge pot of soup to feed a couple meals. Get KFC 2 family meals or extra takeout meals. Order ahead and have delivered for lunch. They’re getting older this is the new normal just deal with it. Be grateful they’re still able to visit at all.

Is that what you do when family visits for a month or so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe let them know they are welcome to prepare their own meals.

Of course I told them that, that I'm happy to get them stuff to cook. They are much, much more passive. I showed my dad how to make coffee and he won't try to do it so they wait for me (they wake up really early) for me to set the breakfast table and make coffee. Maybe it's an age thing. It's very difficult.

OMG my ILs did this and I just started ignoring them and working long hours. That was much better than actively being rude, which was the alternative for me. Since women have some inherent ability cook and care for the elderly (obviously we store this in our ovaries, breasts, and vaginas), the responsibility fell to me in their eyes, rather than DH. So, I had a word with DH and just took care of myself. I leave at 6am for the office and the ILs would literally get up and sit with an empty cup for me to make them coffee at 530a. We have a nespresso machine!!! They couldn't figure out how to put the capsule in and push the button.

Fast forward 10 years FIL died and MIL declined even more. She requires around the clock care - has dementia, wheelchair bound, wears diapers, etc. She wanted to move in with us because we are the only ones living a "traditional" life - ie married with kids. She has a 50+ DD who is a spinster and a very gay older son. She's super conservative religious, so naturally she wants to live with golden boy. I told SIL, not a chance, when she asked. She lives with her gay son. He does a fantastic job looking after her with his long-term partner. I'm sure MiL never in her wildest dreams imagined this. BiLs partner is well suited to elderly care and I am not. He doesn't even have ovaries.

[Anonymous]

Where are they from, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe let them know they are welcome to prepare their own meals.

Of course I told them that, that I'm happy to get them stuff to cook. They are much, much more passive. I showed my dad how to make coffee and he won't try to do it so they wait for me (they wake up really early) for me to set the breakfast table and make coffee. Maybe it's an age thing. It's very difficult.

OMG my ILs did this and I just started ignoring them and working long hours. That was much better than actively being rude, which was the alternative for me. Since women have some inherent ability cook and care for the elderly (obviously we store this in our ovaries, breasts, and vaginas), the responsibility fell to me in their eyes, rather than DH. So, I had a word with DH and just took care of myself. I leave at 6am for the office and the ILs would literally get up and sit with an empty cup for me to make them coffee at 530a. We have a nespresso machine!!! They couldn't figure out how to put the capsule in and push the button.

Fast forward 10 years FIL died and MIL declined even more. She requires around the clock care - has dementia, wheelchair bound, wears diapers, etc. She wanted to move in with us because we are the only ones living a "traditional" life - ie married with kids. She has a 50+ DD who is a spinster and a very gay older son. She's super conservative religious, so naturally she wants to live with golden boy. I told SIL, not a chance, when she asked. She lives with her gay son. He does a fantastic job looking after her with his long-term partner. I'm sure MiL never in her wildest dreams imagined this. BiLs partner is well suited to elderly care and I am not. He doesn't even have ovaries.

That's great that the gay son and his partner are willing to take on an elderly dementia patient in diapers. Not your business, but I'd double check that there's no resentment and that they are being paid for the care out of the estate. So many threads on this resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Maybe let them know they are welcome to prepare their own meals.

Of course I told them that, that I'm happy to get them stuff to cook. They are much, much more passive. I showed my dad how to make coffee and he won't try to do it so they wait for me (they wake up really early) for me to set the breakfast table and make coffee. Maybe it's an age thing. It's very difficult.

OMG my ILs did this and I just started ignoring them and working long hours. That was much better than actively being rude, which was the alternative for me. Since women have some inherent ability cook and care for the elderly (obviously we store this in our ovaries, breasts, and vaginas), the responsibility fell to me in their eyes, rather than DH. So, I had a word with DH and just took care of myself. I leave at 6am for the office and the ILs would literally get up and sit with an empty cup for me to make them coffee at 530a. We have a nespresso machine!!! They couldn't figure out how to put the capsule in and push the button.

Fast forward 10 years FIL died and MIL declined even more. She requires around the clock care - has dementia, wheelchair bound, wears diapers, etc. She wanted to move in with us because we are the only ones living a "traditional" life - ie married with kids. She has a 50+ DD who is a spinster and a very gay older son. She's super conservative religious, so naturally she wants to live with golden boy. I told SIL, not a chance, when she asked. She lives with her gay son. He does a fantastic job looking after her with his long-term partner. I'm sure MiL never in her wildest dreams imagined this. BiLs partner is well suited to elderly care and I am not. He doesn't even have ovaries.

Lol! Did you make the coffee? Or let them wait until their golden boy woke up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that difficult to get some frozen meals, cook double for them to have for lunch. Buy some rotisserie and bags of microwave veggies for extra lunch. Make extra pancakes on Sunday and keep in fridge. Make a huge pot of soup to feed a couple meals. Get KFC 2 family meals or extra takeout meals. Order ahead and have delivered for lunch. They’re getting older this is the new normal just deal with it. Be grateful they’re still able to visit at all.

Is that what you do when family visits for a month or so?

Yes, of course. I do more shopping, send the kids out for extra, get takeout, double meals, have groceries delivered, literally whatever it takes. They’re family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are they from, OP?

I was wondering this too.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I noticed a sinilar decline in my parents as my kids graduated HS. They went from being independent and pitching in on meals, errands, etc. when they visited to being dependent and unable to pitch in.

I disagree with PPs that they’re doing this intentionally or demanding you coddle them. Sure, that’s possible but it’s more likely they’re declining mentally and physically. I’m now 5 years out from my kids’ HS graduation and looking into in-home caregivers because my parents have continued to decline. I also visit them more frequently and spend hours cooking for them while I’m there because my mother’s dementia has made cooking impossible for her. It’s a really tough time. I would throw every resource at the problem now (ex: order delivery even though it’s $$) because honestly this could be one of their last visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not that difficult to get some frozen meals, cook double for them to have for lunch. Buy some rotisserie and bags of microwave veggies for extra lunch. Make extra pancakes on Sunday and keep in fridge. Make a huge pot of soup to feed a couple meals. Get KFC 2 family meals or extra takeout meals. Order ahead and have delivered for lunch. They’re getting older this is the new normal just deal with it. Be grateful they’re still able to visit at all.

Is that what you do when family visits for a month or so?

Yes, of course. I do more shopping, send the kids out for extra, get takeout, double meals, have groceries delivered, literally whatever it takes. They’re family.

Obviously! I’m not saying I am kicking them out, but I feel very overwhelmed. You’re likely right this is the new normal. It makes me sad (not just bc of the cooking)

[Anonymous]

Omg you work full-time and are dealing with graduation and are cooking hot lunches for your parents- and you're wondering if there's something wrong with you that you find this difficult?? Your reaction is totally normal. My in-laws visit from overseas and I can't stand their expectations of sit down, special meals for every meal of the day! In sympathy with you OP. Nothing to say except good luck