Violin parents - looking for advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It doesn't sound like your child wants music to be a lifestyle, which is fine, but she's not going to do well with a teacher who does. Have you asked the director of her youth orchestra for a recommendation? He or she likely knows your child a bit, knows her strengths and can recommend someone appropriate.

OP here - this is the orchestra director! I asked if he had any teacher suggestions, he said call and we’ll discuss, my husband talked to him and he said he would do a trial lesson with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what she hopes to accomplish by getting a new teacher?

Yes, she said she felt like she was not getting better. It did seem very child directed - my kid would say I want to play xyz music and they would work on that and whatever she was playing in the youth orchestra.

This is very 7th grade, but one issue with the teacher was it was at her school on Tuesdays after school, which was the day everyone went to Starbucks. So from her perspective she was missing out on a big social thing. The teacher was the same one who teaches the strings at the school part-time.

She is leaving after this year but wants to take my kid on as a private student, but I think it would be over zoom and that is not an option on our end.

Her current teacher sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what she hopes to accomplish by getting a new teacher?

Yes, she said she felt like she was not getting better. It did seem very child directed - my kid would say I want to play xyz music and they would work on that and whatever she was playing in the youth orchestra.

This is very 7th grade, but one issue with the teacher was it was at her school on Tuesdays after school, which was the day everyone went to Starbucks. So from her perspective she was missing out on a big social thing. The teacher was the same one who teaches the strings at the school part-time.

She is leaving after this year but wants to take my kid on as a private student, but I think it would be over zoom and that is not an option on our end.

Her current teacher sounds terrible.

Really? That's what I don't know. What would the expectation be for a teacher at this level? The teacher can't be that bad because while she's not virtuoso, my kid is playing with older kids.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to learn, why can't you just say you will only pay for lessons if she keeps a certain practice schedule? At her age, you should be able to rationalize with her.

It could also be that she enjoys the social aspects of playing the violin and being in an orchestra, but alone practice time is hard for her. That is more of a temperament thing, but I think at her age, you can reason with her that if she wants to get good at something, it takes daily work. There are no shortcuts.

Otherwise, agree with others that easiest way is to make it a daily routine. Same time, every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what she hopes to accomplish by getting a new teacher?

Yes, she said she felt like she was not getting better. It did seem very child directed - my kid would say I want to play xyz music and they would work on that and whatever she was playing in the youth orchestra.

This is very 7th grade, but one issue with the teacher was it was at her school on Tuesdays after school, which was the day everyone went to Starbucks. So from her perspective she was missing out on a big social thing. The teacher was the same one who teaches the strings at the school part-time.

She is leaving after this year but wants to take my kid on as a private student, but I think it would be over zoom and that is not an option on our end.

Her current teacher sounds terrible.

Really? That's what I don't know. What would the expectation be for a teacher at this level? The teacher can't be that bad because while she's not virtuoso, my kid is playing with older kids.

New poster of kid who plays a different instrument. I suspect what is bad is the lack of structure and the lesson starting from what the child needs to become a better overall musician vs. what the child wants to focus on. My kid outgrew this kind of teacher too. They're almost too nice and flexible.

However, I differ from some parents in thinking the child should have a big say in how much to practice. The more involved I am, the less it will be their thing. I think music at any level is valuable and pushing too hard can backfire. My kid does practice more than yours, though, but sometimes goes through busier seasons with less practice. I think pushing too hard without seeing the whole person and context would kill our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants to learn, why can't you just say you will only pay for lessons if she keeps a certain practice schedule? At her age, you should be able to rationalize with her.

It could also be that she enjoys the social aspects of playing the violin and being in an orchestra, but alone practice time is hard for her. That is more of a temperament thing, but I think at her age, you can reason with her that if she wants to get good at something, it takes daily work. There are no shortcuts.

Otherwise, agree with others that easiest way is to make it a daily routine. Same time, every day.

I was wondering if the community orchestra has different levels. It's okay not to always push to be the best if you're enjoying yourself.

[Anonymous]

Some kids only do school orchestra and enjoy it. Not everything has to be super impressive.

My DS didnt take any private lessons on his instrument until he was 12 and then he developed a real passion for it 9th or 10th grade. He's now working on two M.M. degrees and I know no one wants that for their kid lol.

[Anonymous]

There has got to be an intermediate level between a strict teacher who only takes 7 students and a lax teacher who is willing to teach over zoom. I would try to find a middle ground. While it sounds like she enjoys violin and has an aptitude, unless she is really willing and motivated to practice a lot more, a rigorous teacher is probably a mistake. We found this out the hard way. My DD has perfect pitch and whizzed through the first four books of Suzuki in one year and was into real repertoire soon after that. At first it was easy to get by with less practice and a good ear and natural agility, but at a certain point they really do have to put in a lot more time or else progress stops. Pieces got longer and longer and the teacher just expected more and more disciplined practice and continued progress. My kid did not have the same goals and would have probably been happy to just stay at the same technical level, but I also felt pressure from the teacher to ensure that she practiced more, and so it was kind of frustrating for everyone until she quit. I still have some sadness over this because I think DD actually enjoyed playing. It really is better if student and teacher goals are aligned. When my kid shifted to focus on another (non-string) instrument with a more adaptable teacher, things went much better! This other teacher was willing to let her set the pace and as she got older, she naturally became more disciplined and invested.

[Anonymous]

Let her play sports in high instead.

For better or worse, violin is a massively oversubscribed stereotype when applying for colleges. If your kid loves it and loves to practice, then pursue it but it is obvious your kid isn't that into it. Switch to a marching band instrument or a less stereotypical instrument - no violin, piano or cello. Violin players are a dime a dozen.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking while using the umbrella my kid begged for and now wouldn't be caught dead with... So much if this is just figuring out who she is and what she wants, and even figuring out how to figure that out.

A few months ago mine mentioned giving up orchestra in favor of this other activity she just had to keep doing, and this week said the complete opposite--if it came to it, she'd give up that activity to stay in orchestra. I've heard similar seemingly conflicting comments about the instructors.

I think sometimes these comments are just reflections of the process. Maybe she can wants you to be okay or to know she can be okay if she does/doesn't do your preferred activity or practice schedule. There's a lot going on, especially in Maycember, so I'd consider that before doing anything. To me the most important is hearing and validating her. She's already not trying to be a prodigy, so most of these decisions can be reversed with minor impact.

[Anonymous]

She’s not passionate about it but likes it well enough. That’s ok! Age 12-13 is when many kids hit a wall as far as interest and practicing, so your husband should tread lightly unless he wants to ruin it for her. The genius and passion of Daniel Barenboim are not going to trickle down to your daughter. And that’s fine. Find a teacher she likes. Let her continue in the ways she wants, or have a family meeting and reach a compromise about how much practice she will do. She may raise her game in high school. Which music camp is she going to?

I love that she likes something musical and wants to keep doing it. Many good things flow from that, even if she’ll never be concertmaster. Tell your DH to focus on his own piano practicing!

Signed,
Speaking from experience

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not passionate about it but likes it well enough. That’s ok! Age 12-13 is when many kids hit a wall as far as interest and practicing, so your husband should tread lightly unless he wants to ruin it for her. The genius and passion of Daniel Barenboim are not going to trickle down to your daughter. And that’s fine. Find a teacher she likes. Let her continue in the ways she wants, or have a family meeting and reach a compromise about how much practice she will do. She may raise her game in high school. Which music camp is she going to?

I love that she likes something musical and wants to keep doing it. Many good things flow from that, even if she’ll never be concertmaster. Tell your DH to focus on his own piano practicing!

Signed,
Speaking from experience

OP here - this is great! And I sent this thread to my husband, not sure if he has read.

I really appreciate all the kind comments and feedback. For the person who asked, she is going to Blue Lake. We are not pushing Interlochen, I told her she could try out for the big youth symphony in our city and she is sticking with the smaller one she has been with, all of which is totally fine. I think we are going to take a beat this summer and reassess the teacher situation in the fall. I think part of my frustration here is I've called some music schools, etc and no one is calling back.

Anyway, there is a lot of wisdom on this post - appreciate all of you sharing it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what she hopes to accomplish by getting a new teacher?

Yes, she said she felt like she was not getting better. It did seem very child directed - my kid would say I want to play xyz music and they would work on that and whatever she was playing in the youth orchestra.

This is very 7th grade, but one issue with the teacher was it was at her school on Tuesdays after school, which was the day everyone went to Starbucks. So from her perspective she was missing out on a big social thing. The teacher was the same one who teaches the strings at the school part-time.

She is leaving after this year but wants to take my kid on as a private student, but I think it would be over zoom and that is not an option on our end.

I think this is something you need to talk to her about, before you find her a new teacher. That she is not going to get better by switching teachers, that pretty much comes from doing the work herself, practicing consistently. A good teacher will have reasonable expectations of her in terms of practice, and she will likely not want to do that, which would probably lead to frustration on both their parts, and parting of ways. A mediocre teacher will likely not make her a better violinist. So, she either has to revise expectations, or be willing to step up her effort. A compromise solution of some sort where she commits to practicing x amount of time, y times a week is probably going to be required before you find her a new teacher that would be happy with that commitment, and is the likely path forward.

[Anonymous]

you dodged a bullet by not sending your kid to Interlochen. No experience with Blue Lake but hopefully it is better.

[Anonymous]

12:19 here and I agree with 14:05. She’s not getting better because she’s not practicing, and she’s reached a high enough skill level that easy improvement is not as achievable as it once was.