Engagement ring $$$ when 2nd marriage for both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even $10k on a lab diamond is insane.

I will be in a 2nd marriage as well and I gave him a small family ring of mine to propose with when he's ready. His first wedding was all pomp and circumstance at first wife's desire- announced in the NYT, grand venue, Orchestra for the ceremony, several dress changes etc. I could not be more opposite. We're talking about doing a camping road trip, climbing a mountain, and exchanging vows on top by ourselves.

You think spending $10 on a ring is "insane" but you have given a man you are dating a "small family ring ... to propose with when he's ready"? Lol, what you are doing is what is insane. And kind of desperate. He isn't going to be "ready" if he didn't propose when you gave him a ring to do it with.

PP here. We have been discussing getting married for a while so he asked my opinion/taste on engagement rings and I said my grandma's engagement ring is really special to me and I'd love to eventually wear it everyday- do you want to hold on to it? And he said yes so I gave it to him. Not traditional, but I did traditional the first time around and ended up abused and took a 5 year saga to fully get out so I'm very content with calm, lowkey, and stable this time around.

[Anonymous]

My husband's been married before and I have no idea how much money he spent on the first engagement ring, nor do I care or think it has any relevance to our relationship.

He proposed to me with a lab diamond ring that I love. We have so many other things to spend money on (house, daycare, college savings), I definitely did not want an expensive ring. I don't think the amount of money a man spends on an engagement ring reflects how much he loves his partner. My friend with the most expensive engagement ring is now divorced and she hates her ex.

[Anonymous]

I would hope that by the time I get to a second marriage, I would have learned what’s important in a relationship and what holds a couple together. (Hint, it’s not the value of an engagement ring).

[Anonymous]

Those are the breaks when you aren't the first.

[Anonymous]

Why do you know or care how much he spent on his first wife's ring? I wonder if he knows what he's getting himself into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you know or care how much he spent on his first wife's ring? I wonder if he knows what he's getting himself into.

OP is gonna' continue the one up game as the second wife. From cars to homes to kids to vacays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even $10k on a lab diamond is insane.

I will be in a 2nd marriage as well and I gave him a small family ring of mine to propose with when he's ready. His first wedding was all pomp and circumstance at first wife's desire- announced in the NYT, grand venue, Orchestra for the ceremony, several dress changes etc. I could not be more opposite. We're talking about doing a camping road trip, climbing a mountain, and exchanging vows on top by ourselves.

You think spending $10 on a ring is "insane" but you have given a man you are dating a "small family ring ... to propose with when he's ready"? Lol, what you are doing is what is insane. And kind of desperate. He isn't going to be "ready" if he didn't propose when you gave him a ring to do it with.

PP here. We have been discussing getting married for a while so he asked my opinion/taste on engagement rings and I said my grandma's engagement ring is really special to me and I'd love to eventually wear it everyday- do you want to hold on to it? And he said yes so I gave it to him. Not traditional, but I did traditional the first time around and ended up abused and took a 5 year saga to fully get out so I'm very content with calm, lowkey, and stable this time around.

Ok, that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you choose a $10K lab diamond engagement ring from him if you knew he'd spent $20K on his first wife's mined diamond ring? FWIW, $10K today buys you a lab diamond ring that is a nice as a $30K+ mined diamond ring.

Am I wrong to feel funny about asking for a ring that costs so much less than the first ring he bought? FWIW, over on the Beauty & Fashion page, the advice about lab vs. mined diamonds is pretty much 99% in favor of buying lab these days given the high quality that is now being offered.

Would asking to spend so much less create a bad dynamic in the relationship?

Not at all. You are you, not her nor him. You are financially sensible, ethical minded and smart. If anything, it should set the dynamic right where your input adds needed value.

[Anonymous]

I just spent $4k on a hearts and arrows 6.5 carat lab diamond engagement ring in 18k gold. They are cheap as all get out rn. You couldn’t spend $10k unless you were determined to get ripped off. And no of course you shouldn’t care, WTF?! The marriage didn’t work out! Good lord. Will spending more on things that symbolize that make it work next time….? Clearly not. Go on a trip, make some memories. But your mentality is not going to let you be happy.

[Anonymous]

Imho any jewelry worth more than buyer's one month's salary is an unjustified expense and no sensible woman would support such questionable purchase. If cost of the ring or size of the diamond was a symbol of love and fidelity, everyone in Hollywood would be living happily in their first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Also size of the diamond and manicure of the hand are also fake signs of wealth.

[Anonymous]

Who spends 10K on an engagement ring???

Ridiculous, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This calls my mother's third marriage to mind.

Her third DH wouldn't get her an engagement ring at all, because he'd bought a nice one for his first wife and "it didn't work out." My mother said she didn't "need one" and it would be a "waste of money" while secretly feeling horrible about it but never speaking up. It was just one sign of how he wasn't ever going to be all-in on the marriage the way he was with his first, and also a sign of how he enjoyed withholding and controlling with his second. The relationship with my mother was transactional for him, and he was only going to "buy" at a "steep discount." And he made it clear and it was very hurtful (and like an idiot she married him anyway).

YMMV quite a bit, of course. But I wouldn't accept less than what the first wife got, unless finances had tanked in an extreme way or something.

As far as diamonds go, I know a bit about them and have quite a few mined diamonds ... but today? I'd absolutely buy lab. I'm 100% for lab. For many reasons.

I can’t believe you think the problem was the lack of a diamond.

Your reading comprehension is very poor.

Clearly I do not think "the problem was the lack of a diamond." The lack of the diamond was a sign of the problem and a harbinger.

And those problems would have existed regardless of jewelry, and had other signs. Focusing on the ring is dumb.

I have ten aunts/uncles and only divorce. In that marriage, the woman didn’t change her name. So are all women who keep their name in sufficiently dedicated to marriage? No. Same for your mother’s third marriage, which was clearly doomed to fail for many reasons unrelated to diamonds.

[Anonymous]

I don't know; how many goats is your father giving him?

In all seriousness, a few things. $10k is a lot for a lab ring. I bought a 2.3 carat IGI certified, H&A HPHT diamond for less than $1k. You just need to do a little bit of research. Then have it set locally.

I'd also do some self-examination. Are you feeling insecure? Do you feel judged by friends and neighbors? I will happily tell everyone how little I paid for my sparkly bauble, because I think saving money is smart. Don't you have other things you want to spend that money on?

Do you feel this way about other things in life . . . do you feel ashamed if your car isn't a luxury brand, or you can't send your kids to private school, or whatnot?

[Anonymous]

You don't need ANY engagement ring to be all in on the marriage. Whatever marriage number it is.
I didn't have an engagement ring. We spent the money on a honeymoon. We have been married over 40 years. One reason for that is shared values.
If you do not have shared values it doesn't matter how much ring you get, think you deserve, force them to buy.
It's a shaky start.