Engagement ring $$$ when 2nd marriage for both

[Anonymous]

Would you choose a $10K lab diamond engagement ring from him if you knew he'd spent $20K on his first wife's mined diamond ring? FWIW, $10K today buys you a lab diamond ring that is a nice as a $30K+ mined diamond ring.

Am I wrong to feel funny about asking for a ring that costs so much less than the first ring he bought? FWIW, over on the Beauty & Fashion page, the advice about lab vs. mined diamonds is pretty much 99% in favor of buying lab these days given the high quality that is now being offered.

Would asking to spend so much less create a bad dynamic in the relationship?

[Anonymous]

This marriage is doomed.

[Anonymous]

Who GAS about this kind of thing?

[Anonymous]

What? It’s not a dowry. WTF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want an engagement ring if I got married again, OP. I don't even wear or appreciate my first engagement ring - and I designed it!

Stop comparing what he bought for his first wife and what he buys for you. We all make mistakes when we're younger. Spending so much on rings is one of them. He's learned not to spend so much, which is good progress, but it's still WAY TOO MUCH.

[Anonymous]

If you're bean counting like that, your marriage is not off to a good start. Get over it and btw stop being tacky and materialistic

[Anonymous]

I dunno, do you like the idea that people suffered and were exploited for your ring? That proves he loves you, I guess?

[Anonymous]

Even $10k on a lab diamond is insane.

I will be in a 2nd marriage as well and I gave him a small family ring of mine to propose with when he's ready. His first wedding was all pomp and circumstance at first wife's desire- announced in the NYT, grand venue, Orchestra for the ceremony, several dress changes etc. I could not be more opposite. We're talking about doing a camping road trip, climbing a mountain, and exchanging vows on top by ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Omg. Do not proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even $10k on a lab diamond is insane.

I will be in a 2nd marriage as well and I gave him a small family ring of mine to propose with when he's ready. His first wedding was all pomp and circumstance at first wife's desire- announced in the NYT, grand venue, Orchestra for the ceremony, several dress changes etc. I could not be more opposite. We're talking about doing a camping road trip, climbing a mountain, and exchanging vows on top by ourselves.

That sounds wonderful, PP! Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

This calls my mother's third marriage to mind.

Her third DH wouldn't get her an engagement ring at all, because he'd bought a nice one for his first wife and "it didn't work out." My mother said she didn't "need one" and it would be a "waste of money" while secretly feeling horrible about it but never speaking up. It was just one sign of how he wasn't ever going to be all-in on the marriage the way he was with his first, and also a sign of how he enjoyed withholding and controlling with his second. The relationship with my mother was transactional for him, and he was only going to "buy" at a "steep discount." And he made it clear and it was very hurtful (and like an idiot she married him anyway).

YMMV quite a bit, of course. But I wouldn't accept less than what the first wife got, unless finances had tanked in an extreme way or something.

As far as diamonds go, I know a bit about them and have quite a few mined diamonds ... but today? I'd absolutely buy lab. I'm 100% for lab. For many reasons.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t want an engagement ring. It’s a huge waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This calls my mother's third marriage to mind.

Her third DH wouldn't get her an engagement ring at all, because he'd bought a nice one for his first wife and "it didn't work out." My mother said she didn't "need one" and it would be a "waste of money" while secretly feeling horrible about it but never speaking up. It was just one sign of how he wasn't ever going to be all-in on the marriage the way he was with his first, and also a sign of how he enjoyed withholding and controlling with his second. The relationship with my mother was transactional for him, and he was only going to "buy" at a "steep discount." And he made it clear and it was very hurtful (and like an idiot she married him anyway).

YMMV quite a bit, of course. But I wouldn't accept less than what the first wife got, unless finances had tanked in an extreme way or something.

As far as diamonds go, I know a bit about them and have quite a few mined diamonds ... but today? I'd absolutely buy lab. I'm 100% for lab. For many reasons.

I can’t believe you think the problem was the lack of a diamond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even $10k on a lab diamond is insane.

I will be in a 2nd marriage as well and I gave him a small family ring of mine to propose with when he's ready. His first wedding was all pomp and circumstance at first wife's desire- announced in the NYT, grand venue, Orchestra for the ceremony, several dress changes etc. I could not be more opposite. We're talking about doing a camping road trip, climbing a mountain, and exchanging vows on top by ourselves.

You think spending $10 on a ring is "insane" but you have given a man you are dating a "small family ring ... to propose with when he's ready"? Lol, what you are doing is what is insane. And kind of desperate. He isn't going to be "ready" if he didn't propose when you gave him a ring to do it with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This calls my mother's third marriage to mind.

Her third DH wouldn't get her an engagement ring at all, because he'd bought a nice one for his first wife and "it didn't work out." My mother said she didn't "need one" and it would be a "waste of money" while secretly feeling horrible about it but never speaking up. It was just one sign of how he wasn't ever going to be all-in on the marriage the way he was with his first, and also a sign of how he enjoyed withholding and controlling with his second. The relationship with my mother was transactional for him, and he was only going to "buy" at a "steep discount." And he made it clear and it was very hurtful (and like an idiot she married him anyway).

YMMV quite a bit, of course. But I wouldn't accept less than what the first wife got, unless finances had tanked in an extreme way or something.

As far as diamonds go, I know a bit about them and have quite a few mined diamonds ... but today? I'd absolutely buy lab. I'm 100% for lab. For many reasons.

I can’t believe you think the problem was the lack of a diamond.

Your reading comprehension is very poor.

Clearly I do not think "the problem was the lack of a diamond." The lack of the diamond was a sign of the problem and a harbinger.