Traveling to see demanding but aging family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and DH sound very selfish.

“They’ve never come to see us”. They’re old FFS.

Go or don’t go but it’s a crap move if you sit around making excuses why you don’t want to.

They have not always been old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its fine to skip a year and prioritize your immediate family and time with your kids. I think it would be nice for the adults to visit their parent alone. But if you really don't have that type of relationship then don't feel guilty.

Yes - to be clear, I visited my mother regularly (and she visited us regularly) before she died. My dad has never made us a priority and has always been emotionally abusive. He didn’t visit us much even when he was young, healthy, and had time and money. Step-mom is younger than I am (by a year) so they don’t really need help. The relationship feels performative.

[Anonymous]

You do what works for you for your family. When my parents were alive, we saw them about 6 times a year. First we went 4 times to their 2x. Then when they were in their 80’s it was us 5x and they made the trip maybe once a year. They would fly, we would generally drive. It was a 7 hour road trip.

Every family is different.

[Anonymous]

You are going to get people on here who judge and guilt trip and don't have empathy and people who do. In the end, it doesn't matter. You have to figure out what you feel comfortable with given your unique situation and make peace. It is much easier to visit and help people where there is a genuine loving relationship. I would say don't look for approval here or anywhere for whatever choices you make. Figure out your priorities, make sure your own children, spouse and health are high on that list. Figure out your limits and just accept others will always judge.

[Anonymous]

Each spouse should go alone to visit for a long weekend, and then your nuclear family does a family vacation.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay not to be excited to see a parent who has made little to no effort to get together over the years. (I’m in the same boat and my family is much much closer). But I would also suggest that each of you visit your own parent, and not make it an entire family production.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its fine to skip a year and prioritize your immediate family and time with your kids. I think it would be nice for the adults to visit their parent alone. But if you really don't have that type of relationship then don't feel guilty.

Yes - to be clear, I visited my mother regularly (and she visited us regularly) before she died. My dad has never made us a priority and has always been emotionally abusive. He didn’t visit us much even when he was young, healthy, and had time and money. Step-mom is younger than I am (by a year) so they don’t really need help. The relationship feels performative.

Are you OP? It seems like you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Yep, go alone. Then take a proper family vacation - guilt free!!

[Anonymous]

You don't really say much about the relationship with the narcissist, but if they are a true narcissist and a miserable and manipulative person, I don't see why you need to visit them just because they are a parent. No one should be forced to subject themselves to that just because they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each adult goes alone to their parent this year.

+1

This! It is expensive and time consuming. So you visit alone and only take the kids every other year (or when you can afford it and schedules allow it).
If they want more visits, they are free to move closer to you (but likely won't do that)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its fine to skip a year and prioritize your immediate family and time with your kids. I think it would be nice for the adults to visit their parent alone. But if you really don't have that type of relationship then don't feel guilty.

Yes - to be clear, I visited my mother regularly (and she visited us regularly) before she died. My dad has never made us a priority and has always been emotionally abusive. He didn’t visit us much even when he was young, healthy, and had time and money. Step-mom is younger than I am (by a year) so they don’t really need help. The relationship feels performative.

Well that changes things. Then don't feel guilty--visit when you can. I'd limit it to just you going in the future. Because it sounds like they could travel to you (if step mom is that young)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its fine to skip a year and prioritize your immediate family and time with your kids. I think it would be nice for the adults to visit their parent alone. But if you really don't have that type of relationship then don't feel guilty.

Yes - to be clear, I visited my mother regularly (and she visited us regularly) before she died. My dad has never made us a priority and has always been emotionally abusive. He didn’t visit us much even when he was young, healthy, and had time and money. Step-mom is younger than I am (by a year) so they don’t really need help. The relationship feels performative.

Are you OP? It seems like you have your answer.

Exactly. She doesn't like the father and the father doesn't really like her. His wife probably will be relieved to not put up with OP and her brood. Just accept it for what it is and move on with minimal guilt. So long as she's not hoping for an inheritance one day.

[Anonymous]

+1 to you go alone and give the kids the options if they join you depending on their schedules. We stopped going as a family when they were little and prioritized our family vacations. One is us took the kids to our respective parents and the other stayed home and worked, to maximize our vacation time.

As the kids got older, the trips with them got shorter and sometimes we went solo to see our parents as their heath got worse and the kid’s schedules got busier.