Traveling to see demanding but aging family

[Anonymous]

We live in DC and both DH’s dad and my dad live out west (in opposite directions nowhere near each other) with our respective step-mothers. Neither has ever been great about visiting us but they’re both now in early 80s. We have three teens (one in college) and busy schedules. We’ve been traveling to seen them as a family every year, even though they’ve never visited us with any such frequency. We’re considering not doing it this year. The time, the money, the hassle. Even the kids don’t want to go. We can’t do our own family vacation plus these two visits. Frankly, we’re just tired of it. But we know they won’t be around forever. One (a narcissist) will lay on a serious guilt trip. Thoughts? For me, I don’t have a relationship where I want to do the trip on my own. Does everyone visit parents at least once per year?

[Anonymous]

I’m visiting my dad next week for the first time in about five years. But he normally comes out to my coast a couple times a year.

[Anonymous]

We visit three to four times a year. It is a two hour flight. My parents cannot travel for health reasons so they pay at least one airfare a year. I get your reasoning though, so do what works for your family.

[Anonymous]

So what is your is your question? I felt guilty about not visiting my local elderly parent so much. What do want from us? Once a year is too difficult? For shame!

[Anonymous]

You don’t want to hear this, but I would go alone. Is it possible to do a long weekend? Are there projects for you handle while you are there (yard work to declutterring the basement to organizing paperwork)?

[Anonymous]

Each adult goes alone to their parent this year.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t been to see my mom since pre covid. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Don’t visit.

[Anonymous]

You can make any decision you want; you just have to be able to live with yourself, and tolerate the guilt trip. It doesn’t matter what we think.

I am very close to my parent, so it’s likely not comparable to your situation. If I weren’t, I might feel like you do. And I agree you have to do what’s best for your family. It sounds like you all need a different kind of vacation, and that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Don't make if a family vacation. Each of you go spend a long weekend with your own parent.

I suspect you want a answer to say its okay to skip.

[Anonymous]

You and DH sound very selfish.

“They’ve never come to see us”. They’re old FFS.

Go or don’t go but it’s a crap move if you sit around making excuses why you don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Yeah just go alone. It's a different kind of visit, but you can help them more and you may learn more about how they are doing.

[Anonymous]

I visit pretty much every year, sometimes two or three times a year and they are in London. But I am close to them. We have skipped a year here and there, eg during Covid.

I think it’s fine to skip a year. Let him guilt trip. No one else gets to determine how you feel about something.

[Anonymous]

I think its fine to skip a year and prioritize your immediate family and time with your kids. I think it would be nice for the adults to visit their parent alone. But if you really don't have that type of relationship then don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t been to see my mom since pre covid. Not proud of it, but it is what it is.

I don't know what your circumstances are, but "it is what it is" refers to catastrophic events that happen to you such as landslides and tornadoes, not events of your own making.