Strange Neighbor

[Anonymous]

You've seen this child naked -- obviously. So why are you referring to this child as she/he? That seems more bizarre to me than anything the parents have done -- which boils down to a tiny bit of public nudity, some barefootedness, a bad haircut, and a dash across the street.

Oh, and what the hell is the big deal about a FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL wearing boy's clothes? My little girl wears her boy cousins hand me downs all the time. Perhaps you'd like to report me to CPS too.

You sound so uptight that perhaps you are in danger of bounding off into geosynchronous orbit...watch yourself.

[Anonymous]

where in the WORLD do you live???

[Anonymous]

18:14. What the...? You're nuts.

I'm so stunned by several of the posts here. It's funny to see what kinds of things set people off.

I think I generally agree with the posters that say there really isn't very much you can do. Now, about the kid running into the street, if this is something that happens repeatedly, then this is really a safety concern and there is a nice, unobtrusive way to let the dad know so that he can watch out for that. Otherwise, I don't think it's strange for the little girl to be wearing boys clothes. Perhaps she is dressing herself or is being dressed by one of her siblings. It is possible that the youngest one is not treated as well, but even if that were the case, short of your actually seeing the child being abused, there is nothing that you can do about that.

I do agree with you though that the dynamics there sound a bit strange. But I am not in their family, and have not seen this particular family, so who am I to judge? All you can do is be nice to the kids when you see them and pleasant with the father (if you want that much involvement).

[Anonymous]

I am not referring to the child in specifics to gender, because it isn't the point, and I really don't want them to know that I had spoken about them in this way.

The point is, there is some concern. I didn't say I was calling CPS on them, just looking for some opinions and some insight. The fact that the clothes are hand me downs from siblings of the opposite sex, isn't about it being wrong for a boy to wear pink or girls to wear truck shirts., but it is questioning if the parent doesn't necessarily know how to threat this child who isn't the same gender as the older two. It isn't about a bad haircut, but one that was so obviously self cut by a three year old, and never fixed.

The child doesn't seem mentally challenged, seems to be on the same intellectual and emotional level as my four year old.

My biggest concern is that the child isn't being properly guided, as there are risky things like playing in the street, taking off and the dad not knowing where the child is, not that the child is abused, neglected, beaten....

I thought that maybe he suffers from depression, with his wife working all hours, and he is at the end of all that he can do. My mother was in that situation when I was that young, and I went door to door naked selling crackers. I let myself and my little sister into a neighbors house, and we played with their college daughters barbies until the neighbors came home and caught us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:are these my kids ?

They could be. Take a good look at what you read, and ask what goes on while you are working.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have given so much detail that the parents might find out.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling that Dad isn't whiling away the hours on DCUM. I could be wrong though.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I commend you for being concerned. I wish you were my neighbor.

I think you need to think about this creatively and try to find out more. If I were in your place, this would eat away at me. Could you probe the child next time you see them ("is everything ok, honey", "I saw you without clothes in the park, how come? I would have been cold"). Something. I don't know your neighborhood but perhaps another neighbor noticed somethign, you could probe there as well.

Not helpful, but I don't like the idea of this child's safety being neglected.

[Anonymous]

This does sound like a bit of an odd situation to me, but not sure what you can do about it. Though, I definitely would have taken offense to the dad thinking that he could pawn off his kids on you while he made dinner.

I did want to point out one example though related to the bare feet to show that sometimes things may not always be what they seem...
So we are practicing Love and Logic principles with our son. For those who aren't familiar with the books/concept, in a very brief nutshell the whole idea is giving your kids choices and helping them understand the consequences of those choices starting at a young age (within the bounds of safety, of course). Things that may seem like harsh consequences now when they are young are a small price to pay if they learn how to make better decisions because of it when they get to high school and are required to make decisions on drugs, alcohol, etc.

So lately my 2 yr old is giving my trouble putting on his shoes when it's time to leave for work/daycare. So, one day I told him it was time to leave either way and gave him the choice...shoes or no shoes. He chose no shoes, so off we went with no shoes or socks on (it was raining outside that day and chilly in the morning). He was a little unsure when we got in the garage, but still generally okay with it. But when we got to our provider's house, he pretty much flipped out because the path down to her house is a little steep with some pebbles in the concrete. It's a short distance and not unsafe, but he was not a happy camper. It was painful for both of us, believe me. But when I walked in the door our provider looked at me like I was the worst mom in the world, making him walk down the drive in the cold wet morning w/o shoes on. I had them with me and gave them to her and she immediately swooped him up to put his shoes on. The hope is that lessons like that only need to happen once, but unfortunately I ran into the same thing again this morning. This time I succumbed to social pressure of not wanting others to think I was a bad parent and went against what we are trying to teach our child buy making him put his shoes on even when he stomped around screaming about how he didn't want them on.

That's a long way of saying that you never know people's motivations, I guess. Though, on the flip side, need I say more than "Amy Castillo" to see what can happen when red flags are raised and no one does anything about it....(or in Amy's case, she couldn't do anything about it). It's tough.

[Anonymous]

18:14 again.

Thank you for clarifying why you referred to the child as she/he. That makes sense. It bothered me a alot to see that, it seemed very judgmental but it obviously wasn't.

And thanks for sharing those insights on your own upbringing, I can see why this would hit so many chords inside you and I think it's great that you are stepping in for a possibly overstressed and depressed SAHD.

Are there other stay at homes in the neighborhood who might have more insight. Or nannies? That would be my first go-to.

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the big problem here. I don't think being naked and without shoes (even outside) is an inherently dangerous condition. It's not how we do things, but it's not my business. She ran into the street...once. And I won't even touch the issue of wearing the "wrong" gender clothing or not having neatly brushed hair. And if you don't want to watch the kid, then you're on notice next time to decline. I really think this is none of your business, and it doesn't sound like anyone's welfare is at risk. I would try to focus on not letting your own kids see you treat these children differently because of how they dress and look.

[Anonymous]

you sound so judgemental to me and my worst nightmare for a neighbor! gosh, poor guy is probably swamped. why don't you be a good neighbor and invite the kids over to play sometime or something. gosh, stop judging! some people are used to the way they were raised when you could do many of those things. we were always running in and out of our house and in and out of our neighbors' homes. poor guy. give him a break!

[Anonymous]

The two PP's obviously haven't read everything. There is more than just running across the street once. This isn't me being judgemental, I am actually pretty laid back, and excepting. This is beyond just a little off. As far as the clothing for the incorrect gender, I said that I have a little cross dresser myself, my boy loves wearing dresses, and I let him. The thing is, I don't think this child has a choice.

I can understand messy hair, but I can't understand a cut that is worse than a mullet, obviously self cut, and just left to grow out for a year.

[Anonymous]

If you see (again) the children doing dangerous things such as crossing the street with no supervision, I believe you should speak with both the mother and the father in a nice way and tell them you are worried about x,y,z...you also do not need to be dragooned in to sitting for them.

My neighbors' boy has a very long "rat tail". I find the hairdo horrible. His sister also wears his well worn hand me downs. Sometimes it looks as if they haven't washed their hair in a while. But you know, times are tight and I happen to know his folks do not worry too much about appearances. I find the kids a bit rag-tag BUT this is superficial and simply my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Obviously running around on the street (and crossing the street) with no supervision is a problem. Being naked in a public park is a problem. I don't know what to tell you, though. Someone in our neighborhood leaves four daughters unsupervised constantly. The youngest is only 3. They're from El Salvador and the neighbors don't intervene because "that's just the way they do things there." Doesn't make me feel good when I see the little girls darting in and out of traffic. Ugh. . . .