Seeing ILs in a new light after estrangement ended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL and FIL were estranged from DW's Aunt and Uncle for many years (MILs brother and SIL), and as a result, the cousins on that side of the family. The estrangement started shortly before DW and I met 12 years ago. I could tell it was a touchy subject, so I never really pried into it. ILs mentioned the estranged family members from time to time in passing, but that was all.

Recently, MIL/FIL reconnected with the estranged Aunt and Uncle. As a result, we all met up with the Aunt/Uncle/two adult cousins and their kids (who I've never met, and DW hasn't spoken to since the estrangement started), and had a great time! I enjoyed getting to know the adult cousins, as well as the Aunt and Uncle.

One thing that stood out to me was that everyone on the estranged side seemed very emotional (in a good way) about this reunion, like it clearly meant a lot to them. For some context, MIL and FIL have portrayed the estranged side as being gruff, self-absorbed, materialistic, unemotional. While I'm sure they were all on their best behavior, I just didn't see any of that (other than a little of the materalistic stuff); they all seemed genuinely happy to reconnect, and frankly, more happy to reconnect than DW and her parents and sister.

A few days later, I asked DW point blank why the estrangement happened. The reason? MIL was never really that close to her brother. After their father (DWs grandfather) passed away, MIL realized that she didn't see any need to keep up a relationship. Basically, there was no big "event", MIL just said "eh, I don't really like him that much," and that was that.

Honestly, this has me seeing my IL's in a different light. I understand not being super close to your siblings, but to not talk to your sibling (and subsequently your nieces and nephews) because you just didn't really like your brother than much seems very callous to me.

You don't really know why people do what they do. They are your ILs and people who love your wife and kids, give them due respect and civility and let go of the need to analyze or judge them. You see them though the lense they treat you and your wife, not though the lense of a sociologist or their estranged relatives.

[Anonymous]

I always felt my mom wasn't fair to my dad's birth family until I was old enough to see why she was forced to have those boundaries. If she didn't, they would be living with us, drain our finances and our parents would be catering to their whims instead of living their lives or overwhelmed and divorced due to their meddling. They weren't bad people, just too entitled and my dad couldn't have managed them.

[Anonymous]

My MIL created so many issues that my DH's siblings were emotionally estranged from each other. It took them two decades to realize it.

[Anonymous]

OP , many crappy people can be absolutely performative for one event. Narcissists and con artist types excel at this. They can be charming, fun, and even appear giving until they feel they snagged you. Your head will spin at how fast they shift to crazy levels of demands, manipulation, rage and bad behavior. Life is too short to put up with crap. Be grateful you were spared a life of drama and being taken advantage of until you couldn’t stand it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents don't usually tell their children the true reasoning behind behind estrangements with other adult family members. I highly doubt your wife or you have the whole story.

This. There is probably much more to it they don't want you to know.

A lot happens when parents die, including division of the estate and also arguments about care of the aging parents.

Now it was probably so long ago that everyone involved is ok with moving on, and in laws and others don't want to poison the next generation.