Seeing ILs in a new light after estrangement ended
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Anonymous
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My MIL and FIL were estranged from DW's Aunt and Uncle for many years (MILs brother and SIL), and as a result, the cousins on that side of the family. The estrangement started shortly before DW and I met 12 years ago. I could tell it was a touchy subject, so I never really pried into it. ILs mentioned the estranged family members from time to time in passing, but that was all.
Recently, MIL/FIL reconnected with the estranged Aunt and Uncle. As a result, we all met up with the Aunt/Uncle/two adult cousins and their kids (who I've never met, and DW hasn't spoken to since the estrangement started), and had a great time! I enjoyed getting to know the adult cousins, as well as the Aunt and Uncle. One thing that stood out to me was that everyone on the estranged side seemed very emotional (in a good way) about this reunion, like it clearly meant a lot to them. For some context, MIL and FIL have portrayed the estranged side as being gruff, self-absorbed, materialistic, unemotional. While I'm sure they were all on their best behavior, I just didn't see any of that (other than a little of the materalistic stuff); they all seemed genuinely happy to reconnect, and frankly, more happy to reconnect than DW and her parents and sister. A few days later, I asked DW point blank why the estrangement happened. The reason? MIL was never really that close to her brother. After their father (DWs grandfather) passed away, MIL realized that she didn't see any need to keep up a relationship. Basically, there was no big "event", MIL just said "eh, I don't really like him that much," and that was that. Honestly, this has me seeing my IL's in a different light. I understand not being super close to your siblings, but to not talk to your sibling (and subsequently your nieces and nephews) because you just didn't really like your brother than much seems very callous to me. |
Anonymous
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It happens. Super hard for a relationship to grow amongst say the cousins when the adults aren’t speaking. |
Anonymous
| Parents don't usually tell their children the true reasoning behind behind estrangements with other adult family members. I highly doubt your wife or you have the whole story. |
Anonymous
this. something happened. |
Anonymous
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Remember you may not be getting the full story, OP. There are really private matters that MIL may not have wanted to share, even with her her closest relatives. Try not to judge!
Unfortunately, my uncle's wife and daughter (my cousin) cut us off after a lengthy court battle over my grandfather's inheritance. The judge was incredibly clear that my uncle had improperly benefited from an inheritance that was legally supposed to go to my mother and her sisters, and I think my uncle was ready to accept that, but his wife forced him this 25 year lawsuit, and then was incredibly upset that they lost. I miss her and my cousin, but there's no reasoning with her. Hopefully one day she'll get over it and want to reconnect... |
Anonymous
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Yes, on the surface it seems extremely callous but it's likely not the full picture and your MIL might not want to throw a negative spin to your perception of the family (even if she damages your perception of herself). Is she usually socially noble like that, not badmouthing others?
What made you think of these people as materialistic? Did they roll up in name brands galore? |
Anonymous
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You may not have the full story. Your MIL may not have the whole story or maybe she does. How much time do you want to invest in this?
I don't have the story why my sister isn't interested in my DS but is very interested in our other sibling's kids. Does it affect my relationship with her? Yes, a long time ago, I stopped investing time in trying to create a relationship. |
Anonymous
OP here. I see what you're saying, but MIL and DW are very close, and share alot of information between each other. Plus, DW was a full-fledged, independent adult in her mid 20's when the estrangement started, so if there was a "grown-up" reason for the estrangement (abuse, etc), I find it hard to believe that MIL would keep that from DW. |
Anonymous
You should see your wife in a different light. She’s a married adult; why did she go along with it? |
Anonymous
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Weirdly it happens. My dad is one of 6 kids, 5 are living. He almost never speaks to his brothers - but the two older ones live near each other and see each other often. The two youngest live far apart, but fly to see each other a few times a year. I don’t even know if my uncle who passed away’s widow is still alive or not.
No ill will, no event. They just are not close and my dad makes no effort. |
Anonymous
| I agree that there is something else going on. My mom would be the type to cut someone on for this reason. But it wouldn't be a surprise for anyone to find out she did that. She holds grudges and tends to overreact about things. And she was estranged from her brother for awhile, but that was because she and her SIL were vicious to each other. If this doesn't fit into everything else you know about your MIL, then I would bet there is something deeper there. |
Anonymous
| I think people say "there was no big event, it just happened" when they don't want to get into it. If your MIL doesn't like her brother, there are reasons. Whether they are good ones, only she knows. |
Anonymous
| Was it MIL refusing to interact with outreach from brother? Or more she just stopped trying to maintain the relationship and he took no action either? |
Anonymous
| Here comes our resident lesbian spouse again. |
Anonymous
You are making an awful lot of assumptions and judging your ILs for it. You know what they say about assume-ing right? |