Boyfriend feels insecure and takes it out on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is kind of like if you had insecurities about your body and he showed you a TikTok of a model and said he hoped you would aspire to that some day.

That would probably make you feel even more insecure too.

I know people think men shouldn't have any insecurities and you should dump any guy who does but to me it would be no different from the above when he intentionally picked an insecurity - would people tell him to dump you if you were insecure about your body?

This. She baited him, he told her to knock it off, and now she's DARVOing like she didn't start it.

OP needs to grow up.

-a woman

[Anonymous]

My insight is get out now. The insecurities aren’t going to change but the way he handles them and the way you handle them WILL change over time.

My STBX was like this, and at 25 I was too young and idealistic to see it for the red flag that it is.

Because the insecurities are a part of his problem and his issues, there is nothing that you will ever be able to do that is enough to make him stop feeling them.

What happened in my case, is that 20 years later, my inability to make him feel secure, turned into him, finding someone else and knew who would kiss his ass and make the insecurities go away for at least a little while. It didn’t last with her either, but it’s too late, I’m done. And honestly, it feels amazing to be out from under that constant NEED.

[Anonymous]

Get out of this relationship. He needs to work on his issues alone before entering another relationship. Sorry, but true.

[Anonymous]

Dump him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend feels insecure about our relationship, according to him. Yesterday this manifested when I saw a Tiktok about some man saying meeting his wife and how it made him want to work to become rich. I said playfully something like "I hope you feel this way" and my BF got really upset. He accused me of being a golddigger and basically freaked out. The fight has lasted until today even though I tried to squash things. Finally he admitted that he feels insecure and "not good enough" and is afraid I'm going to leave him. Frankly, I feel exhausted. I do feel this is a big insecurity of his but I am sick of dealing with it or feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. He's constantly afraid I'm going to cheat on him or leave him, and it's just driving me away, I feel like it's a never ending cycle of this, no matter how many times I try to reassure him, it never works. I feel really drained. Would love to get other people's insights.

“Frankly, I feel exhausted.”

End the relationship 🚩

[Anonymous]

You should end the relationship. He isn’t in a place to be a good partner. I continued on in a situation like yours. We got married and his insecurity never went away, only got worst. Eventually he cheated and resented the heck out of me for being too good. He put me down regularly and physically abused me. We are divorced now, and he’s on to the trashy kind of woman he deserves.

When a man tells you, you are too good for him, believe him!

[Anonymous]

Girl, dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is kind of like if you had insecurities about your body and he showed you a TikTok of a model and said he hoped you would aspire to that some day.

That would probably make you feel even more insecure too.

I know people think men shouldn't have any insecurities and you should dump any guy who does but to me it would be no different from the above when he intentionally picked an insecurity - would people tell him to dump you if you were insecure about your body?

Everyone has insecurities, but a day long fight over it and having to walk on eggshells is the issue. And I don’t think the analogy to the body is correct. The man saying his wife made him want to earn money is a vignette about him wanting to exert effort (under his control) to support his family. It’s about committment and support. the female analogy would be something like the woman saying that getting married made her want to make a beautiful home for her husband or cook for him - nurturing, caretaking, commitment. Yes these are both gendered but neither is expressing something unattainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is kind of like if you had insecurities about your body and he showed you a TikTok of a model and said he hoped you would aspire to that some day.

That would probably make you feel even more insecure too.

I know people think men shouldn't have any insecurities and you should dump any guy who does but to me it would be no different from the above when he intentionally picked an insecurity - would people tell him to dump you if you were insecure about your body?

Everyone has insecurities, but a day long fight over it and having to walk on eggshells is the issue. And I don’t think the analogy to the body is correct. The man saying his wife made him want to earn money is a vignette about him wanting to exert effort (under his control) to support his family. It’s about committment and support. the female analogy would be something like the woman saying that getting married made her want to make a beautiful home for her husband or cook for him - nurturing, caretaking, commitment. Yes these are both gendered but neither is expressing something unattainable.

No, not in the least. Imagine it’s a fitness video where the woman with amazing is talking about all her discipline around exercise and food. See, that’s in her control. You obviously understand that would be mean which is why you had to completely change the hypothetical to a situation where the boyfriend doesn’t care. No man is going to show his insecure girlfriend an TikTok about homemaking and ask why she doesn’t make a nicer home. OP clearly wants her BF to make more money, that’s the difference.

She picked on his insecurities and then he behaved insecurely.

I absolutely agree they should break up but OP has a lot of work to do too.

[Anonymous]

If he is inherently insecure, it will not go away.

But if his insecurity stems from you sending digs and hints that your love comes with a financial price tag, then he is right about you.
Either way, you two should break up. I am just not sure who should go to therapy afterwards…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is kind of like if you had insecurities about your body and he showed you a TikTok of a model and said he hoped you would aspire to that some day.

That would probably make you feel even more insecure too.

I know people think men shouldn't have any insecurities and you should dump any guy who does but to me it would be no different from the above when he intentionally picked an insecurity - would people tell him to dump you if you were insecure about your body?

Everyone has insecurities, but a day long fight over it and having to walk on eggshells is the issue. And I don’t think the analogy to the body is correct. The man saying his wife made him want to earn money is a vignette about him wanting to exert effort (under his control) to support his family. It’s about committment and support. the female analogy would be something like the woman saying that getting married made her want to make a beautiful home for her husband or cook for him - nurturing, caretaking, commitment. Yes these are both gendered but neither is expressing something unattainable.

Exactly. That's a much better comparison. She was talking about his INTENTIONS and how she wants to inspire him. Nothing wrong with what she said

[Anonymous]

Life is way too short to put up with a constantly insecure man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is way too short to put up with a constantly insecure man.

Or an insecure woman. If your partner - man or woman has any insecurities, take digs at those and if they react, dump them. No one wants a partner with insecurities.

[Anonymous]

It is really unfair for your boyfriend to take out his insecurities on you.

It is obvious that he has certain issues w/his self-esteem that he needs to figure out on his own.
Ideally he needs to see a therapist to find a constructive way to deal with his feelings but many guys would not set a foot into a therapist’s office.
Perhaps he has a friend or relative that he can discuss his issues with.

Let him know that he needs to find his own way to deal w/his insecurities because they are causing a huge strain on your relationship.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You’re the dummy if you stick around