Is it parent or child’s responsibility to reach out?

[Anonymous]

Our kids are way busier than we are. They call regularly, usually the same days, but time is up to them. We text a lot too.

[Anonymous]

Parent. Always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's nobody's "responsibility". It's a new thing when everybody has to be accessible all the time. Just 2 generations ago people moved out and rarely kept in touch with parents, only on major holidays or when something important was happening. Nobody was "reaching out" all the time, everybody was busy with their own lives, which is normal. My grandma lived with us (was born 1905) an none of her 8 kids (uncles, aunts) reached out, not always even on birthdays, people came together for births, weddings, funerals, and milestone birthdays (which there were plenty). Nowadays, my mom's (boomer) demands to "reach out" ended up in a conflict as every interaction started to feel like an interrogation. She was involved in our lives at all and suddenly figured out that my kids are teens and have no relationship with her. You cannot demand a bond if you haven't developed one.

I talked to my parents regularly in my 20 (I’m 54 now). We called each other. I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule, even today. My oldest is busy in college and we call him once a week, with some occasional texting during in between. My daughter will likely want/need more interaction. We follow their cues.

[Anonymous]

Both.
Takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Ideally you have a good enough relationship, this isn't an issue. I was close with my dad and he made sure my mom didn't go off the rails with me too much so I called at least once a week, sometimes more. They usually called me with a request for a favor, an emergency or some news they felt I needed to know.

[Anonymous]

It should be both. I will say that ever since I moved away and got married, I've been the one reaching out to my mom.
And she is the one who gets upset if I don't call. Finally, at the ripe age of over 50, I told her that she knew how to dial my number too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For context, kids are 21 and 23

Whoever cares more would have to reach out so it doesn't matter whose responsibility it is. That being said, it should be mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both

Obviously this.

[Anonymous]

If I am not calling, no one is calling. I am the kid with parents born and stuck in the 1950s mindset. Once I just decided to not call, a lot was revealed about my parents selfishness. Then they demanded respect, which, in their minds, was me falling all over myself to make them happy. So now we just have what I like to call a holiday relationship. I can only maintain a 1954 mindset a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this now but it’s with a DD23 and local grandparents (80).

Grandparents expect DD to call and visit them.

Backstory is grandparents have been critical and harsh to DD and overstepped boundaries. DH refused to intervene or even discuss with his parents, not wanting a confrontation.

Here we are. The grandparents have long forgotten and have no idea why DD wants no relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get these kinds of questions. It should just flow naturally with the relationship you’ve built over the years.

One DD has always been high contact, even if it’s just quick text. But we hear from her daily, but not long phone conversations every day. DS is not nearly as communicative but we have a natural flow and pattern that’s been consistent.

With texting it’s much easier to just send a quick text if there’s a question or to check in. It’s not nearly as disruptive as scheduled phone calls were when many of us were becoming adults.

[Anonymous]

Parents for sure. If you don’t do it now, they will never get in the habit of reciprocating.

But if you aren’t easy to be around and talk to (if you are annoying for anxious or too uptight) they won’t want to stay close anyway.

[Anonymous]

Parents. It’s always on the parents. If your kids aren’t reaching out on their own, that’s probably also on you. It’s amazing how people think they can just be done caring for the people they brought into the world.

[Anonymous]

Before the Internet there were letters, cards and weekly or monthly long distance phone calls.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting...I'm 50 and the parent of DS in college. I text him regularly but speak with him occasionally and really only when I call. DD is still at home.

Same thing with my parents. We have a family text group where info is regularly shared - this includes my sister. I will call them at least once a week and if I don't I usually get the "why haven't you called" and I remind them their phone works too. Anyway...