Divorce and college costs

[Anonymous]

Can you shame him? If he is all talk - and has the means can you orchestrate a conversation in front of your child?
I know this sucks - but it also sucks that you should have to shoulder it.
Something like - How was your trip? Yeah - Georgetown is really pretty and I can see how you would love to go. You are going to gave to talk to your Dad about what realistically he is willing to pay your future as right now he said 12K - and I think he thinks it is 2010 because that doesn't even pay for room and board.

[Anonymous]

Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

[Anonymous]

That’s a reasonable amount. Your kid needs to go to the college you both can afford or take out loans or work. Would he be paying child support during college or is that over at 18? Your kid should be working summers now and putting away that money if over 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you shame him? If he is all talk - and has the means can you orchestrate a conversation in front of your child?
I know this sucks - but it also sucks that you should have to shoulder it.
Something like - How was your trip? Yeah - Georgetown is really pretty and I can see how you would love to go. You are going to gave to talk to your Dad about what realistically he is willing to pay your future as right now he said 12K - and I think he thinks it is 2010 because that doesn't even pay for room and board.

Shame him? Parents are not obligated to pay for college. He may be also paying child support and cannot afford more. Kid can live at home if they cannot afford more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

The 529 did not seem to be very tax advantageous to us to we prioritized retirement and other savings and investments. It’s not that we have no money. We also came into our higher salaries only in the last several years, especially myself.
Child support will be over as soon as kid graduates HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

The 529 did not seem to be very tax advantageous to us to we prioritized retirement and other savings and investments. It’s not that we have no money. We also came into our higher salaries only in the last several years, especially myself.
Child support will be over as soon as kid graduates HS.

If he’s paying child support and you are receiving it he may not have had the same ability to save as you for retirement and other things especially if incomes are only recently high. And, he may be paying other expenses on top of child support. You act like he’s a deadbeat. He’s paying child support and offering $12k for college. Your child goes to a state school which is what we tell ours. If you pick an expensive private, you pay the difference.

[Anonymous]

I'm planning to pay for 100% of college costs. Ex is a narcissist with a new family. I always knew it would fall on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

The 529 did not seem to be very tax advantageous to us to we prioritized retirement and other savings and investments. It’s not that we have no money. We also came into our higher salaries only in the last several years, especially myself.
Child support will be over as soon as kid graduates HS.

PP here and got it. I assumed the $12K was from cash flow alone but maybe not. I mean college savings are college savings regardless of whether you put them in a 529. I still stand by my prior point that you need to decide what you are able and willing to pay for college and not use what your ex is willing to pay as any kind of marker. BTW as one example I looked at JMU tuition and fees and it looks like you could make it work between the $24K you guys have plus a small amount of loans plus some summer working money. You could always help your kid pay back the loans if this is a cash flow issue for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm planning to pay for 100% of college costs. Ex is a narcissist with a new family. I always knew it would fall on me.

Same. I pay everything.

[Anonymous]

"Paying for college language is rarely
enforceable for myriad reasons."

I know literally dozens of families where both parents made good on what they promised they'd pay in the settlement agreements. Never heard of anyone who didn't, and I'm sure their ex would have loudly shamed them if they hadn't.

And having it in the agreement is FAR better than not having it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

The 529 did not seem to be very tax advantageous to us to we prioritized retirement and other savings and investments. It’s not that we have no money. We also came into our higher salaries only in the last several years, especially myself.
Child support will be over as soon as kid graduates HS.

PP here and got it. I assumed the $12K was from cash flow alone but maybe not. I mean college savings are college savings regardless of whether you put them in a 529. I still stand by my prior point that you need to decide what you are able and willing to pay for college and not use what your ex is willing to pay as any kind of marker. BTW as one example I looked at JMU tuition and fees and it looks like you could make it work between the $24K you guys have plus a small amount of loans plus some summer working money. You could always help your kid pay back the loans if this is a cash flow issue for you.

Sorry for all the confusion. It’s not a cash flow issue - I can cash flow 24k myself. Just feel like I shouldn’t have to, as there are other things I’d like to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm planning to pay for 100% of college costs. Ex is a narcissist with a new family. I always knew it would fall on me.

Same. I pay everything.

And that is an injustice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda curious but you guys each have $12K extra you can put towards college but haven't been saving anything all along? Even like $3K each per year?

Also, I think you have to evaluate what you are able and willing to pay outside of whatever your ex is paying and then present that number to your child (or let your kid discuss what schools they want to attend with their dad and come up with a plan to fund attendance).

The 529 did not seem to be very tax advantageous to us to we prioritized retirement and other savings and investments. It’s not that we have no money. We also came into our higher salaries only in the last several years, especially myself.
Child support will be over as soon as kid graduates HS.

If he’s paying child support and you are receiving it he may not have had the same ability to save as you for retirement and other things especially if incomes are only recently high. And, he may be paying other expenses on top of child support. You act like he’s a deadbeat. He’s paying child support and offering $12k for college. Your child goes to a state school which is what we tell ours. If you pick an expensive private, you pay the difference.

He is paying the state mandated minimum which does not cover even close to what the actual costs have been. So in addition to actually taking care of the kids, I cover the rest. I know he has had plenty to put into retirement and brokerages because he brags about his account balances.

I know there are people much worse off. This isn’t the victimhood Olympics. What’s maddening is that he talks big about T20s and SLACs and then prioritizes himself when it comes to the money and thinks I should pay, even though I have not been able to save as much as he has because I am living in DMV and he has spent much of his time living in company housing for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm planning to pay for 100% of college costs. Ex is a narcissist with a new family. I always knew it would fall on me.

I never expected my ex to pay for anything and he has never offered. I told my kid what I could afford and narrowed it down from there.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair to hold your roommate's contributions to household expenses against you.

You should tell ex and the kid that you plan to match his dad's contribution. Don't cave on this until the last minute. See how things go.