Regret a decision about a move and can't stop ruminating, feeling anxious, waking up at night, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you got one job you can get a different one. Maybe you want to move and didn’t realize it. Just apply elsewhere.

This! After reaching out to the one you turned down if it was very recent.

[Anonymous]

Meant to add you obviously want a change. Make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

Actually, no—I stand by what I said.

From an employer's perspective, this kind of indecision is a red flag. If someone can’t follow through on a big life choice they were excited about, what happens when they need to make tough calls at work? Imagine them sending an important email, making a staffing decision, or leading a project—then freezing, backtracking, or unraveling emotionally.

It’s not about lacking empathy, but about recognizing that emotional stability and decision-making matter. Employers need people who can handle pressure without falling apart.

NP. I think personal life changing family decisions are quite distinct for many people compared to work decisions. Perhaps not for you, but uprooting my child would definitely be a much harder decision than making any staffing decision or a leading a work project.

Gee NP above, tell us you don't hear from a lot of recruiters about desirable jobs without telling us you don't hear from a lot of recruiters about desirable jobs. It's a game. It's not entering a Duggar courtship that has to end in marriage. You do a few interviews while entertaining the idea of the move, the idea of the new company. And maybe it does all seem tempting and plausible. And then sometimes they offer, and ... you realize nope, you don't actually want to do it. The reality of the move or the reality of the new company sinks in. And so you say no.

She's allowed to take interviews to nose around and wonder, and then, yes, decide she actually can't make that big of a decision re: moving her kid. That IS a hard decision and it's clear she didn't make *that* part of the choice rashly. But for the employer it's a game too. They need someone who can say yes, not someone who needs to consult with a therapist for six months about kids' feelings before accepting a job offer. They're off to the next candidate. This is how grown up business jobs work.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, we can’t ever know the path not taken; it’s entirely possible that if you’d taken the job, you’d be ruminating about how your kid was going to handle it and crying over making a big mistake. You just have to make peace with the fact that you had good reasons for making the decision you did, no matter what the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

Actually, no—I stand by what I said.

From an employer's perspective, this kind of indecision is a red flag. If someone can’t follow through on a big life choice they were excited about, what happens when they need to make tough calls at work? Imagine them sending an important email, making a staffing decision, or leading a project—then freezing, backtracking, or unraveling emotionally.

It’s not about lacking empathy, but about recognizing that emotional stability and decision-making matter. Employers need people who can handle pressure without falling apart.

You realize two employers can evaluate things differently, right? You are not the only employer on DCUM! I agree with the PP that she should reach back out and say that circumstances have changed and she'd love to accept the offer, if it's still open. The worst they can say is no. I would include some stuff about having turned down the job the first time because of kid stuff, but the kid stuff resolved, so that they don't think it was about the job itself, or that you've now been fired. You can spin a good tale here. If they have already filled the role, you're out of luck. But maybe they have not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

Actually, no—I stand by what I said.

From an employer's perspective, this kind of indecision is a red flag. If someone can’t follow through on a big life choice they were excited about, what happens when they need to make tough calls at work? Imagine them sending an important email, making a staffing decision, or leading a project—then freezing, backtracking, or unraveling emotionally.

It’s not about lacking empathy, but about recognizing that emotional stability and decision-making matter. Employers need people who can handle pressure without falling apart.

We heard you the first time, hunty. Someone disagreed. Deal therewith.

[Anonymous]

Uprooting DC is no joke, and it can go horribly wrong. Read stories about that happening, and you'll start to feel better. Go on one of the many hikes or nature trails nearby. I think you made the right call. You put your kid first, and should.be proud of that.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a great passage by Cheryl Strayed. It really helped me process some life-changing decisions I have made...

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

[Anonymous]

OP, a few thoughts:

"The grass is always greener." - Big +1 to the previous poster who said this. I, too, love to imagine that if I had made one decision differently, my whole life would be much better, but there's no reason to believe this would necessarily be so. Perhaps I actually avoided a much worse situation, and I"ll never know.

Many people are experiencing existential angst/moral injury right now. Moving/not moving doesn't necessarily cause or not cause that experience.

Moving a child in school is NO JOKE. Everyone says kids are resilient, but newer research shows that they simply mask/express themselves differently. They are not magically more resilient than adults, and some will have life-long issues from big moves when they were younger. I moved my middle/late elementary-aged kids and frankly, it was awful for them for years.

How old are you? Perimenopause can hit 10 years before actual menopause and insomnia, anxiety, spinning thoughts, etc, can all be symptoms of hormonal shifts. I hope anti-depressants help you, but fyi, SSRIs are often mis-prescribed for women in their 40s who actually need low-dose estrogen.

Btw, if you had moved, you would/will still go through perimenopause - you can't outrun that.

[Anonymous]

Go on some chronic disease boards on Reddit and read about people who are completely bedbound and in constant pain. Read about people whose children have severe chronic illnesses and who may not love to grow to be adults. Then reassess your own life and problems.

[Anonymous]

* Live, not love

[Anonymous]

Op, you can still make the change, but on your timeline.
Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go on some chronic disease boards on Reddit and read about people who are completely bedbound and in constant pain. Read about people whose children have severe chronic illnesses and who may not love to grow to be adults. Then reassess your own life and problems.

Yes OP, get some perspective per the PP. You obviously aren't allowed to feel anything because someone, somewhere, has issues.