Regret a decision about a move and can't stop ruminating, feeling anxious, waking up at night, etc.

[Anonymous]

I was recruited for and offered a great job in another state. My husband (who works remotely) was excited about the move, but I was worried about uprooting our kid, so I turned down the job. In general, I've been happy in DC, so the prospect of moving to a new location for a job was not on my radar until this organization reached out to me.

As things get worse and worse in DC, I regret my decision and I'm just anxious and upset all the time. I went from feeling great about my life in DC to feeling sad and anxious all day. I'm having trouble sleeping and feel like I went from being very happy to being totally depressed. My husband is being understanding, but I can tell that he's frustrated--we had the chance to move, which is what he wanted....he stood behind me when I turned down the job....and now I can't stop crying about it. I know I'm being a total baby, but I can't seem to pull myself together, to sleep through the night or to enjoy my DC job.

I just started on antidepressants. Has anyone been through this? What helped? I'm so disappointed in myself, and then I'm disappointed and annoyed with myself for feeling disappointed. I just can't get out of this negative loop!

[Anonymous]

Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

[Anonymous]

You made a choice. Own it. No going back.
If there were other reasons besides uprooting the kid, look at them and own them too. Maybe you were unsure of your abilities, didn't want the hassle of moving, whatever. Don't stuff them under the mental mattress. Once you own and release it all ruminating can stop. Own your husband's disappointment and support. Own your guilt.
Write a list. Read it until nothing is left off. Burn the list

[Anonymous]

Give the antidepressants time to kick in. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there, and it sucks.

Get sunlight every single morning, no matter what. Get out there.

Don't eat sugar. It may make you feel worse in the long run. Maybe a few pieces of dark chocolate.

Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.

If you can handle it, see a friend for coffee or go to yoga or a walk ... whatever you like to do. Preferably not a bar. Alcohol and antidepressants don't mix.

[Anonymous]

How long ago was this decision made, OP? If you're still crying over a decision made 5 years ago, that's a problem. If it was 2 months ago, I think it's normal (but ultimately unproductive) to second guess.

[Anonymous]

If you got one job you can get a different one. Maybe you want to move and didn’t realize it. Just apply elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

It’s easy to think that now you haven’t done it, it would have been the best move. The reality probably would have been less ideal. The grass is always greener. I’ve been through something similar. You’re lucky your husband seemed to support you either way.

But then I had another thought. Does some of this have to do with this being your decision for your professional situation? As a couple have you mostly made team decisions or did your husband make most decisions? If this is the first time you were making a decision, for you, did you back down because of that and now regret the first time that you had a chance to take the lead but then backed down in fear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

[Anonymous]

You can’t blame yourself for failing to factor in facts you didn’t have at the time.

This is a form of OCD you are experiencing. If you can contact the would-be employer *without coming across as symptomatic*, I would do it. But not if it is your anxiety composing the email.

[Anonymous]

Well, your concern was mostly about uprooting your kid. Has that concern changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, your concern was mostly about uprooting your kid. Has that concern changed?

Not OP. I think the concern over keeping her current job is now outweighing uprooting kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

Actually, no—I stand by what I said.

From an employer's perspective, this kind of indecision is a red flag. If someone can’t follow through on a big life choice they were excited about, what happens when they need to make tough calls at work? Imagine them sending an important email, making a staffing decision, or leading a project—then freezing, backtracking, or unraveling emotionally.

It’s not about lacking empathy, but about recognizing that emotional stability and decision-making matter. Employers need people who can handle pressure without falling apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to them and see if they still offer you the job.

lol, as an employer i wouldn't offer the job again as it shows indecisiveness and underlying other issues that as you can tell from OP's post will be an issue during their employment

As an employer, I'd be happy to hire someone who took full responsibility for their decisionmaking and showed the ability to change their mind.

OP, don't whine about it, but explain that "circumstances have changed" and you'd be willing to relocate if the job is still available. If it's not, oh well, but at least you'll know. And if it not being available is a relief to you, that's also useful info. It may not be that you really want to move, you just want an escape (not possible; that goes to your therapist).

You do have a therapist, right? Meds are great for short-term intervention (they save lives!), and you also need to address the structural reasons for your situation.

Actually, no—I stand by what I said.

From an employer's perspective, this kind of indecision is a red flag. If someone can’t follow through on a big life choice they were excited about, what happens when they need to make tough calls at work? Imagine them sending an important email, making a staffing decision, or leading a project—then freezing, backtracking, or unraveling emotionally.

It’s not about lacking empathy, but about recognizing that emotional stability and decision-making matter. Employers need people who can handle pressure without falling apart.

NP. I think personal life changing family decisions are quite distinct for many people compared to work decisions. Perhaps not for you, but uprooting my child would definitely be a much harder decision than making any staffing decision or a leading a work project.

[Anonymous]

Can't hurt to reach out and expressed regret. It's a huge decision to move your entire family. You weren't ready to make that choice but after a lot of thought you and your family all want to move.