If you live far from elderly parents

[Anonymous]

My ILs are local. My FIL, age 80, has assumed care for my rapidly more confused MIL who has significant memory loss and cognitive decline. FIL refuses all help and is too cheap to consider moving. They are there to stay in their cluttered and crowded 2 story house and multiple cars.

Each are one hospitalization, illness and or accident away from being unable to live there without the other.

DH in denial and very happy to follow his father’s lead which is no interventions, no contingency planning - nothing. I’ve tried to make suggestions, offered to help organize, run errands, get second opinions, hire lawn service - and was ignored although I’ve managed the care of my late parents and to a lesser extent, my grandparents. But not my family of origin, so it’s all different and I don’t understand even though I’ve been part of the family for almost 30 years.

[Anonymous]

As long as they are the ones making the decisions, it's their choice. All you can do is pick up the pieces the best you can when the sh!t hits the fan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, these are all good ideas. I think just basing myself near or with my sister snd then just heading out to where they live or end up would be for the best. My family would be able to handle better. I’d like kids to see them but also limit the time so it doesn’t take up a week. Maybe make it a stop on the way to somewhere else.

Getting a case manager or someone else to check in on them and handle light shopping would be ideal. I’m afraid they may not accept that but they will just have to. I know deep down they want the dutiful adult daughters wearing themselves out as their own parents had done. My grandmother was fiercely independent until she developed health issues and declined and died within a few months.

For the time being I think they want to hang out to their house, which is too big. They could sell it for a killing and move to a nice spot still within a hour or two of friends but won’t do it.

If they are fine, leave them be. Go for a 2-3 day visit, not a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in Paris, which is an interesting but expensive place to visit. We're in the green card application process, and for the next 4 years, we will not be able to leave US soil, for fear that US Customs and Border Protection will throw us out, as they did recently to a Lebanese doctor.

So they will have to fend for themselves.

It's sad.

Just avoid hanging out with Hezbollah and you’ll be fine

PP you replied to. Actually there are Europeans and others in ICE custody who thought they could cross a US border because they had never done anything wrong, and never been out of legal status. But since quotas need to be met, my belief is that they're pulling random people out of the visa/green card pool and if they can't defend themselves, out they go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, these are all good ideas. I think just basing myself near or with my sister snd then just heading out to where they live or end up would be for the best. My family would be able to handle better. I’d like kids to see them but also limit the time so it doesn’t take up a week. Maybe make it a stop on the way to somewhere else.

Getting a case manager or someone else to check in on them and handle light shopping would be ideal. I’m afraid they may not accept that but they will just have to. I know deep down they want the dutiful adult daughters wearing themselves out as their own parents had done. My grandmother was fiercely independent until she developed health issues and declined and died within a few months.

For the time being I think they want to hang out to their house, which is too big. They could sell it for a killing and move to a nice spot still within a hour or two of friends but won’t do it.

If they are fine, leave them be. Go for a 2-3 day visit, not a week.

I never go for a week. One to two days max. And it's definitely not a vacation. I never take the family with me.

[Anonymous]

It's understandable, and probably best for them, to remain in their community of 55 years. It doesn't sound like you have had a close relationship so being near you is not going to be as supportive for them as staying where they are.

I think you just have to really think about what you are willing to do/give, communicate that to them clearly and to your sister, and then let things unfold.

Hiring a care manager and/or other help will ease things for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I handle it by barely ever visiting. Last time I visited was about six or seven years ago.

This. My kids also have no desire to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. They do have my aunt and uncle who live about three hours away by car and live in a very nice region with entertainment year round plus a pretty and walkable downtown. I looked up condos there and they’d he able to buy something all cash. But they said no as soon as I mentioned it once about a year ago. Not sure why this wouldn’t be more appealing. I get that they don’t know much else. But it would make sense being that they all get along, are fairly religious, love going to church, and they could help each other out. But alas, it doesn’t sound like that will be an acceptable option . 🤷‍♀️

OP I have found from my own experience and friends' experiences the whole moving to be near same age siblings/friends rarely works out as hoped so no big loss there, though it sounds like a more fun place to visit. Many stories of a sister moving close to a sister and within a year or 2, moving away or friends all retire in same area and have a blast for the first few years, but everyone ages and develops burnout from all the helping of eachother and then some start moving closer to their kids, or passing away or they just can't help because they have their own illness.

Also, and this taboo to discuss, but sometimes they move to be near adult children and grandchildren and it may work out well for a year, or a few years, but eventually if the decline is long, dramatic and bumpy enough, the younger generation can burn out from all the emergencies and elder dramatics to the point they cannot even stand to visit the AL (more likely the elder is mean-spirited, but can happen regardless). Some people who lose their parents young or only dealt with a few emergencies will cringe, but as adult children deal with their own family emergencies from kids to spouses to themselves and get stretched enough things can fall apart.

My point is, the grass may seem greener with other options, but it really depends on what aging looks like, the temperament of the parents, the amount of stressors the adult children face beyond againg parents and so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as they are the ones making the decisions, it's their choice. All you can do is pick up the pieces the best you can when the sh!t hits the fan.

This- and when it does all hit the fan it happens fast. Don't leave your sister to deal with it just because she's closer. Have a plan.