If you live far from elderly parents

[Anonymous]

And they live on a place that isn’t easy to get to, expensive to get to, and not a place you, your spouse nor your kids care to visit (boring suburb with strip malls), how you handle visits?

We live a six hour plane ride away. No hotels nearby where they live, so we stay with them but it’s miserable (lots of bickering, loud TV, shoddy house). DH never liked them much, either because of their behavior. He’d rather we spend our time off taking our kids on nice vacations. I can’t blame him. I do, too.

They can definitely afford to move to a nicer area and pay for a retirement community in a better climate but that ship has sailed, and I think they’re headed to this sad nondescript assisted living facility in the cheap part of their area five minutes from their home where they’ve lived for the last 55 years (they’ve talked about it). That’s their choice, I get it. But let’s face it. I’m not spending $3k and all my vacation time flying out there and never enjoying time off with my kids to sit in a town I never even liked. I don’t have great memories really, either.

I have one sibling in her early 50s who lives closer to them, about half an hour away, but I hate to foist everything on her because she’s getting her life together nicely after divorce and unemployment. She’s enjoying dating again and has some terrific things on the horizon, quite frankly, and getting too involved with our elderly parents will most likely derail these things.

So, what to do? Let them land where they will and hire help?

[Anonymous]

If they have money for it, you can hire someone who checks on them in AL and makes sure they are getting proper care. They usually are better at advocating than adult children because they know the system and often have worked in those settings. If your sibling doesn't want to spend their money on hiring someone and says she/he will do it, suggest he/she pays herself from mom and dad's funds to show you value her/his time.

You can visit some without your husband if it's miserable for him. Definitely don't use all your vacation time visiting them. You need to enjoy life as a family too. They chose to live where they are.

[Anonymous]

To be clear a care manager can also check on them before AL and help set up things like aides/hospital beds/meals if one of them goes in for surgery

[Anonymous]

If it is miserable visiting them, then don't do it. Don't bring the kids.

If you do go as a family, stay near your sister. Hopefully she lives in an area with a hotel or Air B and B? Then just drive to see the grandparents for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Visit them alone. No need to take the entire family. And hire local help.

Similar situation in our family and this is what we do. Everyone lives at least an 8 hour drive or plane ride away and parents don't want to move. They're in an independent living facility so not completely alone but still living independently.

[Anonymous]

I don't bring my family

[Anonymous]

I handle it by barely ever visiting. Last time I visited was about six or seven years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I handle it by barely ever visiting. Last time I visited was about six or seven years ago.

This is horrible

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, these are all good ideas. I think just basing myself near or with my sister snd then just heading out to where they live or end up would be for the best. My family would be able to handle better. I’d like kids to see them but also limit the time so it doesn’t take up a week. Maybe make it a stop on the way to somewhere else.

Getting a case manager or someone else to check in on them and handle light shopping would be ideal. I’m afraid they may not accept that but they will just have to. I know deep down they want the dutiful adult daughters wearing themselves out as their own parents had done. My grandmother was fiercely independent until she developed health issues and declined and died within a few months.

For the time being I think they want to hang out to their house, which is too big. They could sell it for a killing and move to a nice spot still within a hour or two of friends but won’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I handle it by barely ever visiting. Last time I visited was about six or seven years ago.

This is horrible

Not the poster you are responsing to, but save your judgment. I am sure there is plenty of backstory. Have some grace.

[Anonymous]

This is hard, OP. More than anything else, you also need to actually talk to them. You say they likely expect dutiful daughters. If you and your sister have a different view, talk about that now. Set reasonable expectations. "We want to look into a care manager now because neither of us is nearby and will be able to provide daily or weekly care that someone local can do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks, these are all good ideas. I think just basing myself near or with my sister snd then just heading out to where they live or end up would be for the best. My family would be able to handle better. I’d like kids to see them but also limit the time so it doesn’t take up a week. Maybe make it a stop on the way to somewhere else.

Getting a case manager or someone else to check in on them and handle light shopping would be ideal. I’m afraid they may not accept that but they will just have to. I know deep down they want the dutiful adult daughters wearing themselves out as their own parents had done. My grandmother was fiercely independent until she developed health issues and declined and died within a few months.

For the time being I think they want to hang out to their house, which is too big. They could sell it for a killing and move to a nice spot still within a hour or two of friends but won’t do it.

OP, I have a particularly difficult elder to put it mildly. It was worth every tantrum and insult and accusation of "you are abandoning me!" to get a case manager and that woman is trained to assess needs, trained to talk to mom in a way that doesn't make her scream and she has the contact list to get anything in place far quicker than I can.Start out gently bringing it up, that's what I did. Try to work your way to a visit from the person. Give the person tips for how to win over your parents.

[Anonymous]

My parents are in Paris, which is an interesting but expensive place to visit. We're in the green card application process, and for the next 4 years, we will not be able to leave US soil, for fear that US Customs and Border Protection will throw us out, as they did recently to a Lebanese doctor.

So they will have to fend for themselves.

It's sad.

[Anonymous]

You should see what their insurance covers. Many cover an aide 1 or 2 times a week.

Is it possible to fly them out to you to visit?

I grew up in a BFE town in a flyover state. The nearest hotel to my parents is 2 hours away. There is a boarding house in their town for labors, but there's no way I'm staying in that as a vacay.

I usually fly them out at the holidays. Sometimes I'll pay for them to join us on a summer vacation trip, but my dad has breathing problems that are worse in high heat & humidity, so they prefer to stay home a lot in the summer.

I sometimes suck it up and do a long weekend solo to visit them. Just to check in and make sure things really are as ok as they say.

[Anonymous]

OP again. They do have my aunt and uncle who live about three hours away by car and live in a very nice region with entertainment year round plus a pretty and walkable downtown. I looked up condos there and they’d he able to buy something all cash. But they said no as soon as I mentioned it once about a year ago. Not sure why this wouldn’t be more appealing. I get that they don’t know much else. But it would make sense being that they all get along, are fairly religious, love going to church, and they could help each other out. But alas, it doesn’t sound like that will be an acceptable option . 🤷‍♀️