Is it exclusion or having healthy boundaries?

[Anonymous]

They’re actually giving her a fair shot to modify her behavior and if she doesn’t a natural consequence of being rude is that people don’t want to hang out with you

[Anonymous]

My kid was in this position and it got so bad he did end up trying to low key avoid the boy. Parents complained my kid was bullying and when the particulars were investigated by the school and both sets of parents talking to the kids (the kid ended up admitting all this to his parents) it was all stuff like “OP’s kid said he wouldn’t play xyz with poor larlo….because larlo shouted the house down and ended up threatening to kill a kid when he lost the game last time they played.”

I was honestly proud of my kid for having appropriate boundaries-you don’t have to be friends with people who are verbally abusive.

[Anonymous]

I can’t follow OP’s post or the reply after it. These kids are 13 and the parents are way too involved for any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are allowed to chose their friends and just be respectful to the person they find rude. It's good to politely and firmly let her know when she is being offensive. They don't have to include her, but there should not be any posting on social media about gatherings where this girl isn't invited or talking about it in front of the person who isn't invited. That's where girls create unneeded drama.

This
You don’t fade to be super close friends with everyone but you need to be kind and not rub things in others faces when they are not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are allowed to chose their friends and just be respectful to the person they find rude. It's good to politely and firmly let her know when she is being offensive. They don't have to include her, but there should not be any posting on social media about gatherings where this girl isn't invited or talking about it in front of the person who isn't invited. That's where girls create unneeded drama.

I think you raise a good point. So - are kids not allowed to post fun social things they do on social media because it could hurt feelings? What about adults? If someone could feel slighted (rightfully or wrongfully) but a few moms grabbing dinner, do you not post it?

I don't. What's the point of posting it anyway? Just send the photo to the text thread where the meet up was arranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are allowed to chose their friends and just be respectful to the person they find rude. It's good to politely and firmly let her know when she is being offensive. They don't have to include her, but there should not be any posting on social media about gatherings where this girl isn't invited or talking about it in front of the person who isn't invited. That's where girls create unneeded drama.

I think you raise a good point. So - are kids not allowed to post fun social things they do on social media because it could hurt feelings? What about adults? If someone could feel slighted (rightfully or wrongfully) but a few moms grabbing dinner, do you not post it?

You are allowed to do whatever you want. Part of modeling and teaching good social skills to your kids is showing empathy. If you want to share a photo of your fun night out to the people you were with put it in the text or email. If you need to post to social media publicly, then you should examine why that is so important to you. The girls are rejecting this girl for being rude. Fair enough, but if they chose to publicly post, they are being exclusive and have the potential to be hurtful.

[Anonymous]

If you make the girls invite the mean girl you're teaching them to be doormats. This is why women marry men with terrible mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you make the girls invite the mean girl you're teaching them to be doormats. This is why women marry men with terrible mothers.

Hell, this is part of why women marry terrible men! (The other part is because this is modeled in their parents' marriage.)

[Anonymous]

I know Larla— she has been evil to my kid. She’s excluded my kid from all friend gatherings. They make sure my kid knows where they’re all all hanging out, but she’s not invited. It has been painful. There was no precipitating event.

Previously, Larla had been at my house a few times, and had turned on her charm. She is quite a narcissist however.

She also does not look like a mean popular girl— she is overweight and quirky. We’ve told our kid that Larla’s going to have a rude awakening in high school.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine to exclude someone because you don’t enjoy being with them or don’t want to be with them that time. It’s ok. They don’t have a contract to always including everyone to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are allowed to chose their friends and just be respectful to the person they find rude. It's good to politely and firmly let her know when she is being offensive. They don't have to include her, but there should not be any posting on social media about gatherings where this girl isn't invited or talking about it in front of the person who isn't invited. That's where girls create unneeded drama.

I think you raise a good point. So - are kids not allowed to post fun social things they do on social media because it could hurt feelings? What about adults? If someone could feel slighted (rightfully or wrongfully) but a few moms grabbing dinner, do you not post it?

Why does anyone need to post this? It’s just bragging. “Look at me! I’m doing fun stuff with friends!” Why is your kid even on social media? Experts now see it as the smoking issue of today.

[Anonymous]

Include her at school.
Don’t include her in any extra activities.
Call out her rudeness directly every single time (that was a rude thing to say).

[Anonymous]

That child is a hater!
However, stay outta’ it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely a tough situation. It sounds a little bit like there is an emphasis on being "nice" and "kind" among your DD and most of her peers but honestly, that is not always the preferred or appropriate response especially if someone is being hurtful and intentionally terrible to others.

I'd coach DD on reacting appropriately when someone is being nasty. Maybe role play a few scenarios.

Larla: *spouts nonsense*
DD: [pause] .... Wow ... why would you say something like that?"
Larla: Because it's true!
DD: Um, ok first of all that's your opinion. Second, you don't have to express every opinion you have. Especially to someone who is supposed to be your friend.

Or ... super slowly ... "What? .... Could you say that again?" (not because your DD misheard, but to let those words actually come out and breathe a bit, if that makes sense) .... what a ... strange ... thing to say.

Or: "Seriously? You just said that? To someone who is your friend?"

Also, a well timed widening of the eyes and saying "Yikes" can go a long way.

If Larla doesn't respond to the above, which I think of as addressing it but not fully calling out, maybe she does need to be called out. Something like: Larla, I like you and would like to stay friends with you but sometimes you say things that are just plain mean. What's up with that?

These are great potential replies. The last one is the possibly the only one that would resonate with my autistic DD. Or just a simple "that's a mean thing to say." I call her out if I'm present but it means so much more from the peer group.

We are coaching on how just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said out loud. The school guidance counselor is also working on this, so if it were my kid with a school group, mentioning it to the guidance counselor, not to get the kids in trouble but to ask "what's a good response when Larla says stuff like this?" Could help with the coaching.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't think this is a tough situation at all. At age 13 of course it is appropriate not to invite, or cool off a friendship with, someone who is repeatedly and knowingly mean, sh*t-stirring, and ruins your time.

(Also, FWIW, I don't think OP sounds like she has interjected herself here. It sounds like her daughter talks to her about this stuff, and she is just trying to offer her some advice/words of wisdom.)