Handling school resistance to applying out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is at school at the school I graduated from and that my family has always been prominent donors at (sorry to say it that way, but it’s contextual, I promise).

She decided with full support from me and my DH to apply out this year. It’s been obvious for a few years that she could get more out of a different kind of school but it’s taken all of us some guts to admit it.

Anyway, we were transparent with school about both the fact that we were applying out and the fact that we haven’t made any final choices because we don’t have choices yet. We haven’t said a peep to anyone else save for the teachers who wrote her recs and have no desire to poison the well or spread discontent or anything.

Nevertheless, I am getting a constant stream of guilt-tripping and commentary from administrators who shouldn’t even know about the applications. One of them even said “do you realize how bad this looks for our school?”. Another person from development checked in to make sure that the remainder of our pledge for the year was going to process. A 3rd person who I work with as a volunteer has been guilt tripping me and saying that if my DD switches schools and I am not volunteering anymore, x y and z bad things will happen. They’re making me feel like it will be my family’s fault if totally unrelated initiatives don’t come to fruition in the future.

I’m trying really hard to be gracious but they are not making it easy. Has anyone experienced this? If we were even vaguely in the fence, this would have definitely pushed us to leave no matter what. Which is what our plan is now anyway.

As a private school teacher this whole scenario sounds completely bonkers to me.

It is bonkers! But it’s a good sign that it feels crazy to you because that might mean you’re at a functional school. Stay put!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We dealt with this when we applied out of public, the principal was vocally against it and refused to mark any school visits, interviews, etc as excused absences. The school was just short of sabotage and I had finally put my politeness away when they started missing deadlines and hound the admin and faculty to submit recommendation letters and transcripts. Thankfully the schools we were applying to were understanding and helped as well.

How did the schools you were applying to help out?

We let them know what was going on and they were flexible with the deadline while also contacting the our public to get the documents they needed.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has worked at a number of independent schools, it doesn't surprise me. Schools are either going to handle it very professionally, or like gossipy middle schoolers. There's no middle ground.

I found the bonkers schools tended to be incredibly insular and have a very inflated idea of their importance. One school I worked at would have lost their collective minds if a legacy child whose parents had a substantial pledge applied out. That news would have rocketed around campus in 0.73 seconds. Indicative of a long-standing and deeply toxic culture.

OP, I wish your daughter the best. I hope she is able to find a school that is a better fit. I hope she is treated fairly the remainder of the school year. And if she returns to this school next year, I hope the adults don't act like petulant toddlers because a child(!) decided to explore other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play nice until you’ve made a deposit at the next school. Don’t burn bridges.

This - but they are behaving poorly. You might want to find a kind way to share this with HOS, division head, development, and registrar (or the person in charge of sending official transcript).

Did you tell the teachers writing the recommendations and your division head not to share information with anyone? Note - at our school - the division head must review any teacher letter of recommendation - so they find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play nice until you’ve made a deposit at the next school. Don’t burn bridges.

This - but they are behaving poorly. You might want to find a kind way to share this with HOS, division head, development, and registrar (or the person in charge of sending official transcript). << in June after you leave

Did you tell the teachers writing the recommendations and your division head not to share information with anyone? Note - at our school - the division head must review any teacher letter of recommendation - so they find out.

[Anonymous]

One of them even said “do you realize how bad this looks for our school?”


You should come back and name the place, once this is far behind you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of them even said “do you realize how bad this looks for our school?”


You should come back and name the place, once this is far behind you OP.

Give us time to confirm an escape plan and then I'll try to remember to post an update. If it weren't me, I'd be here with the popcorn following along.

Re: giving feedback to the division head, HOS, etc.- given that they are some of the very people who have made comments that I feel are out of line, I don't think they will be receptive to my feedback. My hope is to just quietly slink away.

[Anonymous]

In the words of Mel Robbins, “Let them” these are their issues, not yours. You don’t have to carry or share their feelings.

Sounds like you are a good mom attempting to find the right place for your kid. That is so important! Please don’t let anyone else muddy your excellent decision as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re kind of in the same situation. Our current school has been non-responsive in getting our son’s transcripts.

Don’t expect to get them if it’s been more than a few weeks. The desperation for full pay families has reached a fever pitch. Approach a public school or school that will accept a parent provided transcript and just send the last report card you received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of them even said “do you realize how bad this looks for our school?”


You should come back and name the place, once this is far behind you OP.

This is a private school practice. It’s not limited to one school.

[Anonymous]

I call troll on the entire story. If you know , you know.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that as an alum, you had intended to continue your philanthropy to the school, but their guilt-based tactics are making you rethink that choice.

[Anonymous]

So you told them because you didn't pay the deposit for next school year? Otherwise there was no reason to tell the school anything.

Just be gracious and patient until you leave.
This is nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you told them because you didn't pay the deposit for next school year? Otherwise there was no reason to tell the school anything.

Just be gracious and patient until you leave.
This is nothing.

They need to request transcripts and recommendations in order to apply out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you told them because you didn't pay the deposit for next school year? Otherwise there was no reason to tell the school anything.

Just be gracious and patient until you leave.
This is nothing.

They need to request transcripts and recommendations in order to apply out.

Right, but were these requests just that, of the 2-3 teachers and the registrar? OP gives me the impression that she emoted all over the administration because she felt guilty for "abandoning" her legacy. I apologize, OP, if you did your best to stay under the radar. But my point is that you do not owe the current school an explanation or an announcement or any communication other than what's absolutely necessary regarding material sent for future schools to admit your child. Your context of generational attendance is a lure.