Narcissist Sibling Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

Yes, very hard for me to do in practice after being placed in that role since childhood. My mom wants me to be executor of her estate, and I've told her I'm not sure I want to do it after this. She said if I don't she will have assign a third-party do it. I feel incredibly guilty about letting her down and that my siblings would get much less because of atty fees, and they need the $$ whereas I do not. I suppose it's their fault too, if she doesn't trust one of them to do it. But, I guess I have to accept that they may not like me any longer, but I barely like myself right now with how I'm wanting something from them.

[Anonymous]

Use a paid executor.

[Anonymous]

OP, my situation is not identical to yours, but similar. I know what it’s like to be expected to care for everyone, always be Doris Day, and never ask for anything for yourself. It’s painful to be the unappreciated caregiver, and it’s even more complicated when you’ve been the victim of emotional incest. Add in problematic people never called to account and it’s one more twist of the knife.

What has helped me is thinking about what I am willing to do without expectation, having firm boundaries, and investing in relationships that are healthy.

Your family will probably not change, but you can change your contributions and reactions. They will push back on your boundaries and they may end up pulling away. Sometimes boundaries wake people up and they make some positive changes, but don’t expect it.

TLDR Put more energy in healthy relationships and create strong boundaries about what you will do for people that don’t treat you decently m

[Anonymous]

Hi. I just want to make the point that although bystanders are rightly infuriating, sometimes focussing on them distracts from being angry at the perpetrator. I find myself almost unable to be angry at an abuser (perhaps because it's so pointless) but often find myself angry at the folks who knew and did nothing. I'm just saying this in case it resonates. SOmetimes recognizing who the worst one was is a bit settling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my situation is not identical to yours, but similar. I know what it’s like to be expected to care for everyone, always be Doris Day, and never ask for anything for yourself. It’s painful to be the unappreciated caregiver, and it’s even more complicated when you’ve been the victim of emotional incest. Add in problematic people never called to account and it’s one more twist of the knife.

What has helped me is thinking about what I am willing to do without expectation, having firm boundaries, and investing in relationships that are healthy.

Your family will probably not change, but you can change your contributions and reactions. They will push back on your boundaries and they may end up pulling away. Sometimes boundaries wake people up and they make some positive changes, but don’t expect it.

TLDR Put more energy in healthy relationships and create strong boundaries about what you will do for people that don’t treat you decently m

Thank you, it makes perfect sense. Everything has gone haywire since my dad's death, so it's time to reestablish. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. I just want to make the point that although bystanders are rightly infuriating, sometimes focussing on them distracts from being angry at the perpetrator. I find myself almost unable to be angry at an abuser (perhaps because it's so pointless) but often find myself angry at the folks who knew and did nothing. I'm just saying this in case it resonates. SOmetimes recognizing who the worst one was is a bit settling.

Yes, that resonates, wrt it feeling pointless. I've been so focused on accepting reality for years, but my dad's death has kicked up the dust -- anger.

[Anonymous]

He has a different perspective and feels. Start by listening and respecting and acknowledging his feelings and stop treating him badly.

[Anonymous]

You might be codependent if you are spending lots of money on people. Someone here pointed out I was from a codependent family, and that was helpful to know.

My sibling had lied about me, and it’s very annoying. Eventually, I had to tell myself that they’d be nuts to believe any of that and they can see how I am already.

My spouse will admit sibling’s behavior is nuts as will my therapist. That helped me see I was not nuts.

You might just have to accept that those who you want to provide comfort are not going to do it. In this case, it will be better for your health to control what you can with you internally and not expect anything externally from others. They probably don’t have the communication skills for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP caring for them stop spending money on them. Stop caring.

It's hard, it's so ingrained. I am very happy to help in many cases, but think I need to be more intentional about it.

I posted already yet want to add:

Please read about Karpman’s Triangle. It sounds like you are a “rescuer.” We can all be any of the three—rescuer, victim, persecutor. We can even switch multiple times in one conversation!

It sounds like you could use the triangle as a way to change your actions so you are not forced into a rescuer role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are fickle. You say that everyone has said that he is the problem. But they probably say to him that you are a problem.

Your relationship with him is for you to navigate. Stop relying on what other people think and/or say.

Thanks for making me feel like sh-t. I don't rely on them ever. That's why I'm feeling slighted. Maybe I am the problem, but if so I'm okay with it because I'm not going to loosen my boundaries.

Interesting. My post didn't "make" you feel anything, least of all like "sh-t." I didn't "make you" anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. And trying to put the responsibility for your emotions on someone else is very immature. In fact, you just proved my point -- you seem to be way over reliant on what others think or say. Apparently to the extent that not only are your family members affecting you, a few sentences on dcum are enough to "make" you "feel like sh-t." Get some therapy. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my situation is not identical to yours, but similar. I know what it’s like to be expected to care for everyone, always be Doris Day, and never ask for anything for yourself. It’s painful to be the unappreciated caregiver, and it’s even more complicated when you’ve been the victim of emotional incest. Add in problematic people never called to account and it’s one more twist of the knife.

What has helped me is thinking about what I am willing to do without expectation, having firm boundaries, and investing in relationships that are healthy.

Your family will probably not change, but you can change your contributions and reactions. They will push back on your boundaries and they may end up pulling away. Sometimes boundaries wake people up and they make some positive changes, but don’t expect it.

TLDR Put more energy in healthy relationships and create strong boundaries about what you will do for people that don’t treat you decently m

Who the heck is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has a different perspective and feels. Start by listening and respecting and acknowledging his feelings and stop treating him badly.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has a different perspective and feels. Start by listening and respecting and acknowledging his feelings and stop treating him badly.

He won’t talk to me, so that’s impossible. He told everyone he stopped talking to me, but me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might be codependent if you are spending lots of money on people. Someone here pointed out I was from a codependent family, and that was helpful to know.

My sibling had lied about me, and it’s very annoying. Eventually, I had to tell myself that they’d be nuts to believe any of that and they can see how I am already.

My spouse will admit sibling’s behavior is nuts as will my therapist. That helped me see I was not nuts.

You might just have to accept that those who you want to provide comfort are not going to do it. In this case, it will be better for your health to control what you can with you internally and not expect anything externally from others. They probably don’t have the communication skills for that.

Thank you. I didn’t think about it as codependency. I will look into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my situation is not identical to yours, but similar. I know what it’s like to be expected to care for everyone, always be Doris Day, and never ask for anything for yourself. It’s painful to be the unappreciated caregiver, and it’s even more complicated when you’ve been the victim of emotional incest. Add in problematic people never called to account and it’s one more twist of the knife.

What has helped me is thinking about what I am willing to do without expectation, having firm boundaries, and investing in relationships that are healthy.

Your family will probably not change, but you can change your contributions and reactions. They will push back on your boundaries and they may end up pulling away. Sometimes boundaries wake people up and they make some positive changes, but don’t expect it.

TLDR Put more energy in healthy relationships and create strong boundaries about what you will do for people that don’t treat you decently m

🫶
You are NEVER the only one. It feels very isolating to live in this dynamic but it’s not uncommon. I appreciate your good wishes, and I hope that you can treat yourself with the compassion and empathy you have for others.
Thank you, it makes perfect sense. Everything has gone haywire since my dad's death, so it's time to reestablish. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one.