Narcissist Sibling Issue

[Anonymous]

My brother hasn't spoken to me in 5 years. He's angry he grew up with a single mom and sisters, and I was basically his parent at age 9 when my parents divorced. My dad recently died and it's bringing up drama with his 3rd wife.

I'm fine with my brother cutting me off, and I don't harbor ill will. It's made my life easier. He hasn't seen any family members in person for years and didn't see my dad on his deathbed, though he'll call and text.

I'm struggling now because he recently said some horrible things about me and no one in my family has said now or ever, "You're wrong about Larla." I'm finding that I'm suddenly very angry at my mom and sisters and my dad's wife for never defending me. I understand they're afraid of getting cut off, but I can't help feeling that that means they put him first. The things he said are not opinion, more like provable in a courtroom. Everyone would and has said he is the problem. We've tip-toed around him for 35+ years. Yet, they stay silent.

I'm the one who has cared for everyone, spent $$ money on them, and generally been the go-to person when everyone has problems. WWYD? Or, perspective?

[Anonymous]

What are they saying? I could see them largely remaining silent and moving on being just not giving it oxygen. If they argue back with him then he gets to fight and escalate and make the convo about you and suck you in into the drama even if only in name. If they just say "ok" and change subjects, then he has nothing to react further to and you and your family members get to remain peacefully free of having arguments involving you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are they saying? I could see them largely remaining silent and moving on being just not giving it oxygen. If they argue back with him then he gets to fight and escalate and make the convo about you and suck you in into the drama even if only in name. If they just say "ok" and change subjects, then he has nothing to react further to and you and your family members get to remain peacefully free of having arguments involving you

OP here. Yes, this is what I need to hear. I truly understand it from their side. That's a good point about it only increasing their ire for me.

I guess maybe I just want them to say to me, "This is unfair, and you're not the bad guy."

[Anonymous]

STOP caring for them stop spending money on them. Stop caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are they saying? I could see them largely remaining silent and moving on being just not giving it oxygen. If they argue back with him then he gets to fight and escalate and make the convo about you and suck you in into the drama even if only in name. If they just say "ok" and change subjects, then he has nothing to react further to and you and your family members get to remain peacefully free of having arguments involving you

It’s absolutely this. This is what I do regarding my Angry Brother, and it’s what my friend’s family does regarding her Angry Brother. Everyone knows that engaging with these guys is a no-win, no matter what you say to them, and everyone knows there’s a shared understanding about his mental state.

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Why would your brother be mad at you for your parent’s divorce? Next, the 3rd wife - your dad’s 3rd wife or your brother’s? Did both you and your brother attend the funeral? The reality is that you can’t change your brother. I would avoid the talking about him to your sisters and mother.

[Anonymous]

As someone who took care of a sister a lot who is constantly angry at everyone in the family for not being good enough, I hear what you are saying. You worked hard then, you take care of them now and you get no appreciation or acknowledgement.

But, the only thing to do is get some therapy to try to understand the dynamic better.

They know him, and his constant anger, so they know it's not you.

Please don't let his outbursts taint your relationship with them. It's not their fault what he did. Nor is it your fault what he does / did to them, because I'm sure he's not been an angel to them either.

Just be grateful he's mostly out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STOP caring for them stop spending money on them. Stop caring.

It's hard, it's so ingrained. I am very happy to help in many cases, but think I need to be more intentional about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are they saying? I could see them largely remaining silent and moving on being just not giving it oxygen. If they argue back with him then he gets to fight and escalate and make the convo about you and suck you in into the drama even if only in name. If they just say "ok" and change subjects, then he has nothing to react further to and you and your family members get to remain peacefully free of having arguments involving you

It’s absolutely this. This is what I do regarding my Angry Brother, and it’s what my friend’s family does regarding her Angry Brother. Everyone knows that engaging with these guys is a no-win, no matter what you say to them, and everyone knows there’s a shared understanding about his mental state.

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

Yes, thank you. I need to keep focusing on "no win" like it's a mantra.

[Anonymous]

People are fickle. You say that everyone has said that he is the problem. But they probably say to him that you are a problem.

Your relationship with him is for you to navigate. Stop relying on what other people think and/or say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Why would your brother be mad at you for your parent’s divorce? Next, the 3rd wife - your dad’s 3rd wife or your brother’s? Did both you and your brother attend the funeral? The reality is that you can’t change your brother. I would avoid the talking about him to your sisters and mother.

He's not mad about the divorce, but I was a parentified oldest daughter. He didn't attend the funeral, but I did. I'm not trying to change him. I have had a boundary about talking about him, but the death is bringing up a lot of childhood stuff, in addition to grief. For all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who took care of a sister a lot who is constantly angry at everyone in the family for not being good enough, I hear what you are saying. You worked hard then, you take care of them now and you get no appreciation or acknowledgement.

But, the only thing to do is get some therapy to try to understand the dynamic better.

They know him, and his constant anger, so they know it's not you.

Please don't let his outbursts taint your relationship with them. It's not their fault what he did. Nor is it your fault what he does / did to them, because I'm sure he's not been an angel to them either.

Just be grateful he's mostly out of your life.

Thank you! I need to remember this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are fickle. You say that everyone has said that he is the problem. But they probably say to him that you are a problem.

Your relationship with him is for you to navigate. Stop relying on what other people think and/or say.

Thanks for making me feel like sh-t. I don't rely on them ever. That's why I'm feeling slighted. Maybe I am the problem, but if so I'm okay with it because I'm not going to loosen my boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't buy their actions and thoughts with $ or care. You cannot change anybody. You can change how you react to things. You don't have to be the one they go to.

This.