Teens on phone the entire time in a party - is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was 5/6 families getting together and this group was between 12-14. However, I have no expectation for them to interact with adults. I only expected them to interact with each other. My son was the only one airport a phone and definitely felt very left out.

There was another group of 8 year olds girls. They ran around, played games etc. I hope this is not what’s in store for them in 4 years..

Not excusing it at all, but pointing out that at age 12-14, interacting with other kids your age can be socially tougher than hanging out with adults. It’s a really awkward age, and even kids who were friends when younger get self conscious and weird around each other. There are 14 cousins in my family and like clockwork, they all have fun and “play” together (or with adults) when <12yo or >15yo but sit around awkwardly during those middle years. If phones are allowed to come out, they sit around awkwardly with phones.

If the host kid had their phone out, it sets the tone for others that it’s okay and they will all retreat into electronics. If a couple guests have parents who let their kids pull the phones out, it cascades. I went to two big holiday parties with a bunch of teens. At one, parents universally would eat you alive if you did more than quickly glance at your phone, and the teens played games, made conversation with relatives, or awkwardly sat around, thumbed through coffee table books, or watched a football game on in the background. At the other, they all sat together on a couch in the corner and browsed reels (my 12 and 14 year old included; there’s only so many times you can tell them to stop before it starts coming across like you’re being judgey to the host parents whose kids are allowed free reign).

[Anonymous]

^ PP again and I want to make clear that I’m not condoning the behavior at all. We went to multiple holiday gatherings, and the only one my kids dared take their electronics out at was the one where their cousins were glued to their phones all night. Just explaining how it happens - and encouraging other parents to shut it down because kids will find alternatives if phones are not allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well do these kids know each other? Is it just the parents are friends and the kids are expected to socialize based on that. I think that gets tricky as the kids get older. I am not excusing the behavior but in a few more years the kids will likely not attend that type of event.

Doesn’t matter. Functioning in a social setting is a life skill. These kids will grow up to be adults who need to be able to make small talk with the guests seated at the same table as they are at a wedding reception, or with colleagues at work events and conferences. They need to navigate job interviews. You have to teach them how to do this. It’s a huge disservice to just let them zone out on their phone in a social setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How well do these kids know each other? Is it just the parents are friends and the kids are expected to socialize based on that. I think that gets tricky as the kids get older. I am not excusing the behavior but in a few more years the kids will likely not attend that type of event.

Doesn’t matter. Functioning in a social setting is a life skill. These kids will grow up to be adults who need to be able to make small talk with the guests seated at the same table as they are at a wedding reception, or with colleagues at work events and conferences. They need to navigate job interviews. You have to teach them how to do this. It’s a huge disservice to just let them zone out on their phone in a social setting.

NP and it does matter. 12-14 yo are not going to have good social skills. If these kids were dragged to a holiday party with the parents they are not going to socialize if they don’t know each other. It’s different if they are 5-7 or over 17. Little kids play with anyone. Older teens have better social skills. The middle school years are awkward and painful for boys and girls. No, they won’t be talking to kids they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

It's normal but necessary healthy or pleasant.

Take some time to makethem pause and draw them into a live activity or conversation.

Always insist on respectful greetings, introductions, and farewells.

When they retreat to phone, direct them to choose a multiplayer game to play together.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 year old and when we go to gatherings of mixed ages the younger kids play and the tweens are on their phones. That being said, my DD's friends all have phones (she doesn't) and sometimes at playdates with multiple kids, when the kids get bored they pull out their phones and my DD is left sitting next to them watching whatever with them. 8 year olds!

[Anonymous]

Sadly, today it seems to be the norm because alot of parents let it happen. No way would I allow my kids to act like that, especially if other kids are there. At those ages, you should be able to socialize with other kids and entertain yourselves. Especially if we're talking tweens, they're kids, not mini teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal but necessary healthy or pleasant.

Take some time to makethem pause and draw them into a live activity or conversation.

Always insist on respectful greetings, introductions, and farewells.

When they retreat to phone, direct them to choose a multiplayer game to play together.

You do not have a kid in middle school. How about leave them home and not bring them to these type of holiday parties? It’s painful for all. There is no reason they need to be there.

[Anonymous]

Not normal- congrats on your kid being the only normal one.

[Anonymous]

My teens were at their cousins house recently for two nights. They were on their phones a lot but they were never silent—constantly interacting, laughing about stuff, sharing things.

They did get out without phones to walk the dog, have meals with the grownups, play with the littlest cousin. So it felt well-balanced. If they were all sitting quietly on their phones I would have taken them away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal but necessary healthy or pleasant.

Take some time to makethem pause and draw them into a live activity or conversation.

Always insist on respectful greetings, introductions, and farewells.

When they retreat to phone, direct them to choose a multiplayer game to play together.

You do not have a kid in middle school. How about leave them home and not bring them to these type of holiday parties? It’s painful for all. There is no reason they need to be there.

So leave them home to stare at screens? No, they need to learn to socialize without screens, especially if other kids are there. They can meet them, of they don't already know them and who knows, they could even become friends!

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s normal. Unfortunately that is how kids interact these days

[Anonymous]

If you don’t allow them phones at 12-14 they usually will sit around awkwardly - which is better than the phones ! - but it really is the age. Brought my 2 (14 and 17) to something similar at a friends house on Xmas Eve and my 14 yo knows better than to sit on her phone but she was pretty silent lol. Her sister would have at 14 too but at 17 she was herself and chatting with the other teens. And tasked with helping her sister engage. Youngest left early (mostly bc she’s getting over getting sick) but just that practice sitting in her discomfort and listening to the other kids was good practice. She didn’t complain about going. Keep pushing your kids outside their comfort zone and they will get it eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At a mixed adult kid party - yes some - especially for age 12-14. They are an uncomfortable and hide in their phones.

“Uncomfortable?” Why? Because you haven’t raised them to be functional humans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At a mixed adult kid party - yes some - especially for age 12-14. They are an uncomfortable and hide in their phones.

“Uncomfortable?” Why? Because you haven’t raised them to be functional humans?

Um - no. I also wrote the previous post - who brought my 14 yo to a party Xmas Eve. It’s the age. They are uncomfortable and self conscious at this age. I haven’t allowed mine to hide in their phones but if allowed I can see how that would happen with this age, is all. My oldest was the same at 14 and now she’s confident and adept in social situations like this. Being uncomfortable isn’t bad, just what it is.