IL running commentary about how DH and I don’t drink a lot

[Anonymous]

This would drive me to not drink at all when I was around them.

[Anonymous]

Second the posters who say DH should talk to them.

He can bring it up as NBD, but the kids are noticing.

This is peer pressure. You are trying to model healthy responses to peer pressure. I would frame it that way - “I’d like everyone to stop commenting on what someone is drinking/not drinking. I’m trying to model that everyone gets to choose what they eat/drink, & healthy responses to peer pressure. The kids are very observant & if you are coaxing - convincing me to have a drink, & I will say no, bc I want to reinforce to them that you can always say no in that situation.”

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s necessarily a boomer thing or an alcoholic thing. It does seem likely that they feel uncomfortable about drinking without you. What they are doing is rude. H drinks rarely and his father and some extended family used to get this way with him. I guess I drink enough they never felt the need with me 😂. Anyway he very firmly told them to knock it off. He said he used his growly voice. That was probably 20 years ago and no one has said anything to him since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're just really insecure about their drinking when you're not. They are worried you're judging them so they want you to drink so you're just as "bad" as they are.

This.

[Anonymous]

My sisters in-laws are like this. They travel with their own supplies for cocktail hour just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:???

I don't know anyone who is like this (and I have plenty of drinkers in my family). Are they functional alcoholics who can't bear to see others have a healthy relationship with their drinks?

I would tell them this flat out, OP: that the more they push me to drink, the further into alcoholism I will believe them to be. If they want me to shut up about their alcoholism, they need to shut up about what I choose to drink.

At this point it's harassment.

As someone who chooses not to drink a lot, I've noticed a lot of people are really uncomfortable drinking around people who aren't drinking. I really can't stand the peer/ family pressure. I feel like I've experienced a lot of what OP describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first few times, ignore. But after the 15th or 20th time, your spouse should have a gentle discussion - away from you, and preferably with only the less sensitive of them - about that, making clear that they are free to drink or not, and you won't comment, and you ask them same of them.

I agree with this or with the previous post that this isn't about you. They are self-conscious about their drinking and may have a drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

Just say no, I’m fine each time. No need for a speech.

[Anonymous]

My best friend of 45 years does this. Borderline makes fun of me at dinner/brunch when I get iced tea. We used to get plastered together throughout high school and college. Thing is, we are 58 now, not 18. She may not understand why I abstain, and I feign lack of comprehension as to why she must get buzzed every single time we sit down socially.

I do think she has substance use disorder and I suspect OP’s inlaws do, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs are visiting and generally speaking, we all get along. They are great with the kids.

What’s not great is that they drink a lot, and seem to mind very much that DH and I either don’t drink or only have one drink. We keep the bar and fridge stocked for them, they are welcome to a drink any time, but they always urge us to have a drink with them, starting at 5 on the dot, and don’t let up even after dinner.

“Come on…have a REAL drink,” when I have a Diet Coke. “Come on, at least have a glass of wine with dinner” to DH. “FINALLY, she’s having some wine.”

We kind of mmhmm and shrug it off, but how can we get these comments to stop once and for all? It’s weird and the kids are old enough to notice now.

Who does this? So weird. Do they feel guilty about drinking so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second the posters who say DH should talk to them.

He can bring it up as NBD, but the kids are noticing.

This is peer pressure. You are trying to model healthy responses to peer pressure. I would frame it that way - “I’d like everyone to stop commenting on what someone is drinking/not drinking. I’m trying to model that everyone gets to choose what they eat/drink, & healthy responses to peer pressure. The kids are very observant & if you are coaxing - convincing me to have a drink, & I will say no, bc I want to reinforce to them that you can always say no in that situation.”

I love this framing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn the tables on them. "Joe, you are having another drink?"

I get this in theory but I would feel super awkward. It reinforces the idea that I care how much they drink (and I don’t, I just can’t stand feeling dehydrated in winter.) I feel turning it around in this way would just reinforce every sneaking suspicion and poorly masked insecurity from the alcoholics — “You were always judging us! I knew it!”

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure that you dislike them in general and this is just one example of the ways in which you dislike them and is probably emblematic of larger areas of judgement around their choices. not judging, i'm the same. Just observing that you present it as an isolated issue but it's prob not.

[Anonymous]

drinking alcohol is a great pleasure in life. OP, not sure what your problem is.

[Anonymous]

All of my alcoholic family and friends who drink too much do exactly this. I didn’t notice until 2019 when I quit drinking.

Tell them to stop asking.