Struggling to accept the kid I have...

[Anonymous]

PPs, the OP understands this isn't ideal and is asking for help. No need to pile on that she's "mean" or whatever.

OP - one other thing I forgot to mention in my other post... don't discount the value of a single, very good friend.

Growing up I was "friends" with everyone but never had that 1 person. Maybe try to reframe that friendship as a gift, not a consolation prize.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DD in 2nd grade. I did a lot of things right and she's thriving in high school now, but my one regret is I didn't push a sport. Not that I care much about sports, but being on a team is SO GOOD for them in high school and it's really hard to just join one that late. I wish I had casually incorporated golf or tennis or field hockey or swim lessons into life with no pressure all those years. I don't care that she's good or not, it just would be nice if she had the mental, physical and social benefits now. Probably not soccer or lax, since that's cut throat in high school. But something lower key. So that's my advice!

[Anonymous]

Totally ok to feel your feelings. You want her to have positive social relationships and that’s totally understandable. But she’s also still very young and has a long time to find her people and experience great friendships. Worry less about that and more about fostering her sense of value and self esteem. You have to see her best qualities and be that cheerleader another pp mentioned. Her being “mean” is definitely a manifestation of her anxiety and a sign that continued work is needed.

A kid like this needs lots of love and understanding. It is very hard to be under constant attack internally from your anxious thoughts. Provide as much emotional safety and stability as you can, so she can hopefully move out of fight or flight and spread her wings a bit.

I had adhd and anxiety as a kid and part of the reason I think I’m doing so great now is, despite my challenges I always felt like my parents saw the real me and loved me. It makes all the difference in the world during the hard times. I look back and I can tell they were falling apart from the stress sometimes. It’s not easy for the parent. So have some grace for yourself. You will not get it right every single day and you don’t need to either. Consistency over time (not perfection) is what’s needed.

[Anonymous]

It’s difficult to have a parent who wishes you were like somebody else. Focus on what you like about her.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar DS, not ADHD but he's not sports nor academically talented which leaves him out of a lot of friend groups. It has been very hard for me to shut out the other parents and focus on who he is and his strengths. We take our empty weekends to explore activities. It has taken a long time but he's found things he likes that are unique and don't involve competition at a young age. I am somewhat relieved we won't have to deal with tryouts and not making a team in some super popular sport or academic team. That's the an issue my older popular DS has.

Regarding birthdays: most of our invites are in the spring, so you may have more to come.

[Anonymous]

I wouldnt worry about friends. But I would force some extracurricular activities. She’ll meet new kids and find some hobbies she can progress in over the years. Too much time home isn’t a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry about friends. But I would force some extracurricular activities. She’ll meet new kids and find some hobbies she can progress in over the years. Too much time home isn’t a good thing.

How do you force a child who doesn't want to do something, to do something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry about friends. But I would force some extracurricular activities. She’ll meet new kids and find some hobbies she can progress in over the years. Too much time home isn’t a good thing.

How do you force a child who doesn't want to do something, to do something?

You make them. Especially if it’s a kid with anxiety, staying at home and not trying anything isn’t good. Push them. Encourage them. Find something that they like - it can be art, a sport, an instrument, or even a class. Tell them they have to pick something. They are only in 2nd grade. Be the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry about friends. But I would force some extracurricular activities. She’ll meet new kids and find some hobbies she can progress in over the years. Too much time home isn’t a good thing.

How do you force a child who doesn't want to do something, to do something?

I second this, you're the parent and you I would sign them up for a few activities... gymnastics, little gym, swimming, girl scouts or something. A lot of kids resist change. About 2nd grade they realize they develop the power of saying 'no' to mom and dad. But, tell them as a parent you expect them to participate. It usually takes some time before they fit in. Otherwise, they will tell you NO when it comes to doing chores later in life. They key is to not give up on them and keep asking them to participate and do stuff, their resistance will eventually decline.... those NOs will turn into whines, then eventually they won't resist much. Chores and activities (i.e. developing skills), develops self confidence, which makes kids happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt worry about friends. But I would force some extracurricular activities. She’ll meet new kids and find some hobbies she can progress in over the years. Too much time home isn’t a good thing.

How do you force a child who doesn't want to do something, to do something?

It took us about a year from K-1st, trying 2 things a season. It's hard to leave the house and go do something new especially if you aren't naturally good at it. There was bribery involved the first few months. After a year he got used to that idea and now adjusts quickly to a new activity. At the start of 2nd, he started having opinions on what he likes and what to quit. He hasn't made friends but at school he can talk about his activities.

[Anonymous]

Parent of an ADHD/dyslexic/anxiety 5th grader here. Started therapy 6 weeks ago.

Have you set up goals/plan with the therapist about what you'd like your kid to work on/towards? If not, I'd schedule a call asap to talk to them about it.

Mine won't do any extracurriculars b/c of the anxiety, won't raise their hand in class b/c they don't want kids looking at them, etc. So we have goals for therapist to work on those things to hopefully make it easier for them.

My concern was that the anxiety would limit my kid's world - I don't care if they don't ever play a sport, but I care if their world just gets smaller and smaller because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of an ADHD/dyslexic/anxiety 5th grader here. Started therapy 6 weeks ago.

Have you set up goals/plan with the therapist about what you'd like your kid to work on/towards? If not, I'd schedule a call asap to talk to them about it.

Mine won't do any extracurriculars b/c of the anxiety, won't raise their hand in class b/c they don't want kids looking at them, etc. So we have goals for therapist to work on those things to hopefully make it easier for them.

My concern was that the anxiety would limit my kid's world - I don't care if they don't ever play a sport, but I care if their world just gets smaller and smaller because of it.

You're a good parent PP.

You care about their well being, not that that they're achieving. There is a difference.

[Anonymous]

I am NT. I had a couple of good friends all through ES. In MS and HS I added acquaintance type friends.
I did mostly solitary activities.
I am happy.

[Anonymous]

She’s has one great friend, so maybe ask yourself why it’s a problem. My older DS always only had one friend. He got invited to group parties, but would only hang out with one kid. Every year it seemed to be a new kid. Didn’t have anxiety, but was shy. I guess we never questioned it. In college he became his fraternity president and post-college he organizes activities for 20+ friends. If she’s not bothered about it, I wouldn’t sweat it.

Maybe therapy for you? I’m in it, so not a slam.

[Anonymous]

The miss match between parents and kids is always the hardest. I have a kid that is an extreme social butterfly and has never met an activity she doesn’t want to do. Besides costing a small fortune and likely years off my life in driving stress, I cannot indulge my own antisocial tendencies. It’s the quality of friendships, not the quality. Your kid will find her people in college or grad school - there is a value to physical activity for emotional wellbeing/mental health - so don’t give in on that one. Something like swimming or girls on the run could work for her. Maybe a drawing class or pottery which is less overpowering sensory wise could be good. Chin up, introverts can live full and happy lives.