Struggling to accept the kid I have...

[Anonymous]

I was catching up with some friends this weekend and they were telling me how busy their 2nd graders are between friends and sports/activities. DD had 2 friends, one seemed to have moved on, and I'm doing what I can to help her keep the other friend. She does no activities, doesn't want to, that's been a huge struggle for us too. She is mean to her brother, mean to us (has her moments when she is very sweet though). She's in therapy but I can't tell if it's helping. She had a birthday party in October with a dozen kids but she has only been invited to one birthday party this year.

It all just makes me sad. Sad for her and sad for us. She says it doesn't make her sad. Weekends are lame for her and us while I run her little brother around.

Anyone else have a kid like this who became socially successful later in life? Or any advice?

[Anonymous]

Is this new or has she always been like this? Why is she in therapy?

What does her screen time look like?

[Anonymous]

Aw OP I do get this. My youngest kid has ADHD and is probably autistic though no diagnosis yet. I worry so much about him socially.

[Anonymous]

Does she like her one friend? Or does she simply tolerate the friend?

Sounds like ASPD. How long has she been in therapy?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, my ADHD kid struggled in second grade too. He enjoyed soccer, but that was it (and he was not a star by any means, he was one of the weaker players on his rec team so he didn't get a lot of positive peer feedback at soccer either). Kids accepted his birthday party invite (or, their parents did), but he also was only invited to one birthday party- our nextdoor neighbor. No playdate offers were ever reciprocated. Starting therapy and meds for ADHD helped tremendously and now he is moderately socially successful- as in, he is invited to a few things here and there, plays with the group at recess, and is generally well liked by kids in the grade even if he isnt constantly the first choice of other kids for a partner or for a playdate. His crying and frustrations have gone way down. His ADHD presented mainly as low frustration tolerance and emotional dysregulation. I didn't think he had ADHD, but the neuropsych evaluator and his personal therapist were certain. And let me say, starting meds was the best decision I ever made for him. I'm so proud of his progress and I'm so relieved that he is doing ok (5th grader now).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this new or has she always been like this? Why is she in therapy?

What does her screen time look like?

OP here. She's always been like this. She's in therapy for anxiety, Therapist hasn't mentioned ADHD or any other diagnosis. She hardly has any screen time.

Her one friend LOVES her. And we love her friend and her family, they are wonderful, we've become friends with her parents this year.

[Anonymous]

I would have her evaluated for anxiety. The refusal of activities and the irritability both suggest anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have her evaluated for anxiety. The refusal of activities and the irritability both suggest anxiety.

Oops I see you just posted that. Get a second opinion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this new or has she always been like this? Why is she in therapy?

What does her screen time look like?

OP here. She's always been like this. She's in therapy for anxiety, Therapist hasn't mentioned ADHD or any other diagnosis. She hardly has any screen time.

Her one friend LOVES her. And we love her friend and her family, they are wonderful, we've become friends with her parents this year.

My DD has a friend like this who she’s known since preschool and became friends with in 1st grade. The friend got dropped by everyone else because her anxiety created behavioral situations at school (DD was targeted but had a plan with her teachers for evacuation and we understood the girl was having challenges so we all decided to ride it out)

Her friend got medication and slowly improved after a few switches, and switched schools for a fresh start in 2nd. Now in 4th grade she is slowly becoming friends with girls from the original school again.

So much can change at that age. Please have hope that she’ll find an equilibrium soon and that will help her be better able to be herself and find friendships.

When my DD goes through a social slump, I remind her that you just need one good friend. The big groups of kids you see are often complex and tiring to navigate, include girls willing to deal with unpleasant behavior to be included, or aren’t actually that close but are clinging to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was catching up with some friends this weekend and they were telling me how busy their 2nd graders are between friends and sports/activities. DD had 2 friends, one seemed to have moved on, and I'm doing what I can to help her keep the other friend. She does no activities, doesn't want to, that's been a huge struggle for us too. She is mean to her brother, mean to us (has her moments when she is very sweet though). She's in therapy but I can't tell if it's helping. She had a birthday party in October with a dozen kids but she has only been invited to one birthday party this year.

It all just makes me sad. Sad for her and sad for us. She says it doesn't make her sad. Weekends are lame for her and us while I run her little brother around.

Anyone else have a kid like this who became socially successful later in life? Or any advice?

Hugs OP. It can be hard to hear that others are having the experiences that we assumed our kids would have but it sounds like you are trying to do the right things

I would try to rework your idea of a "lame weekend". Not having your kids in sports or booked solid with playdates and birthdays means you have more time to do fun things as a family. Game nights, movie nights, trips to museums or events in DC are all ways to mix things up. Maybe she would be interested in doing a class with you like an art or cooking class. I would just try to focus on making the time together enjoyable rather than being sad that it's not filled with sports and activities.

[Anonymous]

OP this dynamic sounds a bit like my older DS.

First thing is this... you get what you get. You can try to parent around the margins, but acceptance is key here.

You must become this child's cheerleader instead of adversary.

Find the positives. Find the ways to connect. It's more work, but this is the whole "the kids that are hardest to love are the ones that need it the most" thing.

What are 3 great things about your DD? What makes her unique or special?

Your kid will always be who she is. The question is, will this be a kid who grows up knowing her mom was constantly disappointed in her? Or will she grow up feeling loved and supported?

[Anonymous]

2nd grade was the absolute worst for my adhd/anxiety kid. He couldnt keep friends. He got invited to nothing. He was very active in sports and music and I just leaned in hard to those extracurriculars to get him peer exposure, even though none of those activities yielded outside friends.

When we got the meds right, everything changed. By 4th grade he had so many friends! I remember crying when a little boy knocked on the door to ask him to play because it had never happened!

I would encourage your daughter to do activities even if it doesn't involve friends. Get her some interests and something to fill time. But dont stress about the playdates or other stuff. Just make sure you're progressing with her therapy and keeping her engaged in various things. Do not compare her to others. Just support her where she is. Its a rough year for nd kids.

[Anonymous]

What is she doing all weekend? Does SHE think it's lame? Or are you being judgmental towards your daughter? I mean, if she's happy twirling around her room while listening to music, what do you care?

[Anonymous]

You parent the child you have not the child you wanted.
Repeat as needed.

My kid has ADHD but has lots of friends. School friends rarely seem to do stuff outside school though. All my friends kids seem to be in magnet programs or gifted… and mine struggles to get Bs sometimes. You gotta stop listening to everyone else, they’re not telling you everything,just what they want people to hear. It can be hard in this area.
I would try and encourage more activities if you can. Make an agreement to try something once and if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to go back. Reward her for trying regardless of her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was catching up with some friends this weekend and they were telling me how busy their 2nd graders are between friends and sports/activities. DD had 2 friends, one seemed to have moved on, and I'm doing what I can to help her keep the other friend. She does no activities, doesn't want to, that's been a huge struggle for us too. She is mean to her brother, mean to us (has her moments when she is very sweet though). She's in therapy but I can't tell if it's helping. She had a birthday party in October with a dozen kids but she has only been invited to one birthday party this year.

It all just makes me sad. Sad for her and sad for us. She says it doesn't make her sad. Weekends are lame for her and us while I run her little brother around.

Anyone else have a kid like this who became socially successful later in life? Or any advice?

It’s hard to hear you talk about your daughter like this. She’s a littl girl in second grade and you seem
to be obsessed with her social standing. Please don’t share your own problems with her. Especially not inmature observations like “lame weekends.” You sound like the mean one.