Sticking up for son

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to see this for what it is. It's a lesson for you that your son's inappropriate behavior can have lasting consequences. Not everyone is going to instantly forgive and forget. And it's an opportunity for you to teach your son how to repair a relationship after he has been inappropriate. This is a skill that he NEEDS to learn. And here's a golden opportunity to try to teach it.

Model the appropriate behavior by respecting her boundaries and explaining to your son that he must do the same. There is literally no way you can convince her to change her mind-- more pressure will only backfire. I've been a young woman in this situation and the young man's father pressured me and I will have my boundaries up forever, because it's not an experience I care to repeat.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if he did something inappropriate that OP is unaware of. Maybe he doesn't realize it was inappropriate. Does he tend to stare at women? Does he go off his best behavior when OP isn't right with him?

Here's an example, OP. In my teen years I had a similar awkward family member who paid too much attention to me. He didn't mean any harm but it was awkward for me, because teenagers are sensitive and awkward. One day he sat beside me on the couch and asked me what fantasy I liked. Now, in retrospect, he meant am I into Lord of the Rings, am I more of a sci-fi person like Dune or whatever-- but I thought he meant like sexual fantasies. Because of his staring at me and because of his tendency to say inappropriate things, and also because of my youth and inexperience and the caution of a teen girl around older males. So I got up and walked away and I'm sure I hurt his feelings, but that's how something can happen without him actually doing anything bad. See?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if he did something inappropriate that OP is unaware of. Maybe he doesn't realize it was inappropriate. Does he tend to stare at women? Does he go off his best behavior when OP isn't right with him?

Here's an example, OP. In my teen years I had a similar awkward family member who paid too much attention to me. He didn't mean any harm but it was awkward for me, because teenagers are sensitive and awkward. One day he sat beside me on the couch and asked me what fantasy I liked. Now, in retrospect, he meant am I into Lord of the Rings, am I more of a sci-fi person like Dune or whatever-- but I thought he meant like sexual fantasies. Because of his staring at me and because of his tendency to say inappropriate things, and also because of my youth and inexperience and the caution of a teen girl around older males. So I got up and walked away and I'm sure I hurt his feelings, but that's how something can happen without him actually doing anything bad. See?

Knowing he had a disability, you overreacted and wrongly judged him. You were a teen, but now you’re a good woman and you’re still blaming him.

OP, unless occasions were really formal it would be very normal in my family for out-of-town cousins to drop in at a restaurant or a house for a few minutes to say hi and catch up a little bit. There is a ton of ableism on display in this thread. I’m not coming back to argue about it because there’s no point. OP, all you can really do is support your son and guide him towards relationships and people that are positive, accepting, and not ableist. Continue to reinforced to him that some people are able list and that’s not his fault. Your niece and her mother sound like snotty selfish people. They don’t have ears to hear and there just isn’t any point in trying to say anything. You will probably continue to be attacked in this thread as will this comment. You could try posting in special needs, although that’s been increasingly unpleasant as well. It’s often difficult to find kindness or understanding on DCUM. Frankly, I would just abandon this thread. The cruelty, ignorance, and indifference to differently asked people is really over the top here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if he did something inappropriate that OP is unaware of. Maybe he doesn't realize it was inappropriate. Does he tend to stare at women? Does he go off his best behavior when OP isn't right with him?

Here's an example, OP. In my teen years I had a similar awkward family member who paid too much attention to me. He didn't mean any harm but it was awkward for me, because teenagers are sensitive and awkward. One day he sat beside me on the couch and asked me what fantasy I liked. Now, in retrospect, he meant am I into Lord of the Rings, am I more of a sci-fi person like Dune or whatever-- but I thought he meant like sexual fantasies. Because of his staring at me and because of his tendency to say inappropriate things, and also because of my youth and inexperience and the caution of a teen girl around older males. So I got up and walked away and I'm sure I hurt his feelings, but that's how something can happen without him actually doing anything bad. See?

Knowing he had a disability, you overreacted and wrongly judged him. You were a teen, but now you’re a good woman and you’re still blaming him.

OP, unless occasions were really formal it would be very normal in my family for out-of-town cousins to drop in at a restaurant or a house for a few minutes to say hi and catch up a little bit. There is a ton of ableism on display in this thread. I’m not coming back to argue about it because there’s no point. OP, all you can really do is support your son and guide him towards relationships and people that are positive, accepting, and not ableist. Continue to reinforced to him that some people are able list and that’s not his fault. Your niece and her mother sound like snotty selfish people. They don’t have ears to hear and there just isn’t any point in trying to say anything. You will probably continue to be attacked in this thread as will this comment. You could try posting in special needs, although that’s been increasingly unpleasant as well. It’s often difficult to find kindness or understanding on DCUM. Frankly, I would just abandon this thread. The cruelty, ignorance, and indifference to differently asked people is really over the top here.

Well of course, but this was around 1988 when people, especially young people, didn't have the same understanding of ASD that they do now. It's just an example of an innocent misunderstanding. But disability doesn't mean other people can't have and express boundaries. OP needs to respect a boundary even if she disagrees or feels it was rudely expressed. And I think OP's lack of acceptance of this boundary is the real problem here.

OP needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he invited to the restaurant? If not, how did he know they were there?

My brother told him they were in town. So we went by one of the restaurants to say hi. I did tell him to invite them next time rather then dropping by for 10 minutes.

“We”? You drove with him there? You should have known better, OP. You should drop this matter.

[Anonymous]

You need to help your son hear the "no". And you need to hear it yourself. If the niece's dad said "not to bother" sending a card, that's a soft polite no! She doesn't want to receive a card from him. And she doesn't want him or you to have her address either-- that might be the real reason. For you to respond to this "no card" message with some sort of airing-of-grievance, criticizing and pressuring message in a Christmas card would be very strange and only worsen the situation.

[Anonymous]

It is a B move that she thinks she can dictate who shows up to a public space and it would be a B move for you to write about it in a Christmas card. Just give her what she wants and ignore her. Your son is a grown man, he can walk it off

[Anonymous]

Your son is a grown man. What is wrong with you?

Whatever issues he has are your fault in how you raised him and continue to coddle him like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if he did something inappropriate that OP is unaware of. Maybe he doesn't realize it was inappropriate. Does he tend to stare at women? Does he go off his best behavior when OP isn't right with him?

Here's an example, OP. In my teen years I had a similar awkward family member who paid too much attention to me. He didn't mean any harm but it was awkward for me, because teenagers are sensitive and awkward. One day he sat beside me on the couch and asked me what fantasy I liked. Now, in retrospect, he meant am I into Lord of the Rings, am I more of a sci-fi person like Dune or whatever-- but I thought he meant like sexual fantasies. Because of his staring at me and because of his tendency to say inappropriate things, and also because of my youth and inexperience and the caution of a teen girl around older males. So I got up and walked away and I'm sure I hurt his feelings, but that's how something can happen without him actually doing anything bad. See?

Knowing he had a disability, you overreacted and wrongly judged him. You were a teen, but now you’re a good woman and you’re still blaming him.

OP, unless occasions were really formal it would be very normal in my family for out-of-town cousins to drop in at a restaurant or a house for a few minutes to say hi and catch up a little bit. There is a ton of ableism on display in this thread. I’m not coming back to argue about it because there’s no point. OP, all you can really do is support your son and guide him towards relationships and people that are positive, accepting, and not ableist. Continue to reinforced to him that some people are able list and that’s not his fault. Your niece and her mother sound like snotty selfish people. They don’t have ears to hear and there just isn’t any point in trying to say anything. You will probably continue to be attacked in this thread as will this comment. You could try posting in special needs, although that’s been increasingly unpleasant as well. It’s often difficult to find kindness or understanding on DCUM. Frankly, I would just abandon this thread. The cruelty, ignorance, and indifference to differently asked people is really over the top here.

Puke.

[Anonymous]

I think it is just totally unclear what exactly your adult son did on Facebook. Either the niece is a terrible person or your son crossed a line that you are not fully appreciating.

But, there is nothing for you to do here. The niece wants to be no contact with your son so you have to respect that the best you can. I don’t think it means you avoid family events, but he certainly doesn’t send her a Xmas card.

[Anonymous]

Who was your niece with at the restaurant? Her siblings? Was one of them getting married? Maybe they wanted to gather just the siblings the day before the wedding.

So your son was not invited to the restaurant and just heard that your niece and other relatives would be there and so you thought it was a good idea to drive to restaurants looking for them? Do you understand if they wanted him there they would have invited him. And meanwhile what were you doing? Were you there in the restaurant, in the parking lot waiting?

You are leaving out a lot of information. .

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you also need help in understanding social cues and respecting boundaries. Your own challenges are resulting in a mixed message to your son.

If someone were to perceive his behavior as stalking, it could result in firing, legal difficulties, etc. You need to get social skills help or coaching for both of you so you can be more clear with your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he invited to the restaurant? If not, how did he know they were there?

My brother told him they were in town. So we went by one of the restaurants to say hi. I did tell him to invite them next time rather then dropping by for 10 minutes.

OP, this is your fault. You should have explained to your son that it would be inappropriate and weird to show up at the restaurant for a visit with them. I think your nieces reaction was expected, but I’m surprised you thought this would be OK. Especially since you said there was already a history of him making her uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Your reason for showing up at the restaurant doesn’t make sense to me and it didn’t make sense to the cousin.

Maybe you wanted to encourage what you saw as your DS being social so ignored that this was a bad idea to show up

[Anonymous]

For one, please stop saying he is a little bit on the spectrum. That’s insulting. Your son is innaproprirate. Your niece doesn’t want to be around him and that’s perfectly within her right. I wish idiots like OP would stop excusing their grown sons when they do inappropriate things. You should have gotten him diagnosed and properly treated if you truly believe he is on the spectrum.

Signed,

Mother of a young man who is definitely on the spectrum