Sticking up for son

[OCDMother]

My adult son is a little bit on the spectrum though never diagnosed and very learning disabled, which was diagnosed when he was a kid. As a result, he sometimes misses social cues. He is 1000 times better than he was. He’s 42. This past spring we were at a wedding and he stopped by a restaurant the day before to say hi to his cousins before the wedding, knowing it would be hard to visit at the wedding. My niece accused him of stalking because he stopped by the restaurant for 15 minutes. It’s the same niece who has blocked him on social media because 16 years ago when Facebook was new he admits he did sometimes go a little overboard but it seems much better. This niece is distant because she is understandably closer to her mother after her parents divorce, being a daughter and my brother we marry him quickly.

Obviously, I’ve been mad at this niece but it’s still my brother‘s daughter and so I want to have love for her also but of course my son comes first. So how would I gracefully bring this up to my niece? I’m sending Christmas cards and I wonder if I should say something in the Christmas card. My son sends Christmas cards, but my brother told him not to bother with this daughter of his and to just send it to the two sons. Apparently my brother‘s ex-wife feels the same way about my son because he tried to stay in touch with her after they split 15 years ago. She was a snob to my son when he saw her recently at a funeral.

I’m not gonna bother my brother’s ex-wife about it since she’s out of the family, but my niece will still be seen from time to time in the family. How would I bring it up? I can’t really scold my niece cause it’s not my child, but I’m pissed that she did this to my son who means nothing but the best when he does reach out too much and was far from being stalking.

[Anonymous]

Let them handle it.

[Anonymous]

Was he invited to the restaurant? If not, how did he know they were there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he invited to the restaurant? If not, how did he know they were there?

My brother told him they were in town. So we went by one of the restaurants to say hi. I did tell him to invite them next time rather then dropping by for 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he invited to the restaurant? If not, how did he know they were there?

My brother told him they were in town. So we went by one of the restaurants to say hi. I did tell him to invite them next time rather then dropping by for 10 minutes.

DP.

That doesn't answer the question.

[Anonymous]

There’s probably more to the story. He’s probably done other things unintentionally that make them feel uncomfortable so when he showed up uninvited, it felt weird because their antenna were already up.

[Anonymous]

What would you even say? What do you mean stick up?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to consider very seriously that they had some sort of interaction that you don't know about, or that you're refusing to recognize how inappropriate it was. It's not your place to decide what a woman should and shouldn't be comfortable with coming from a man. If she didn't like it, then it has to stop, period.

You never bring up anything serious *in* a Christmas card. Those are not for serious messages. They are for greetings and well-wishes *only*.

I'm not sure what you would say to your niece. She doesn't want to see him or hear from him. She was made uncomfortable by something he did, and if it was 16 years ago she was probably pretty young and at a sensitive age, so now she's got her boundaries up very high to prevent it happening again. The way to get people to lower their boundaries is to *respect* their boundaries and give it time, not to order them to change their boundaries. Anything you do to criticize her or pressure her to spend time with him will backfire and she will block and avoid you too.

[Anonymous]

OP your son is 42? FORTY TWO? Leave it alone, and stay out of it. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

I see your user name says OCD. Do you have OCD or does your son? Was she ever the target of his OCD?

[Anonymous]

I think it's not the 15-minute duration, it's him (or you) finding out her whereabouts and appearing by surprise. Now whenever she's in town she's going to have to keep one eye out for Mr. Just A Little Bit Overboard and his enabling mother. I know you think it's not that bad, but clearly she disagrees and you need to accept that, model accepting it for your son, and enforce it.

[Anonymous]

OCDMother wrote:My adult son is a little bit on the spectrum though never diagnosed and very learning disabled, which was diagnosed when he was a kid. As a result, he sometimes misses social cues. He is 1000 times better than he was. He’s 42. This past spring we were at a wedding and he stopped by a restaurant the day before to say hi to his cousins before the wedding, knowing it would be hard to visit at the wedding. My niece accused him of stalking because he stopped by the restaurant for 15 minutes. It’s the same niece who has blocked him on social media because 16 years ago when Facebook was new he admits he did sometimes go a little overboard but it seems much better. This niece is distant because she is understandably closer to her mother after her parents divorce, being a daughter and my brother we marry him quickly.

Obviously, I’ve been mad at this niece but it’s still my brother‘s daughter and so I want to have love for her also but of course my son comes first. So how would I gracefully bring this up to my niece? I’m sending Christmas cards and I wonder if I should say something in the Christmas card. My son sends Christmas cards, but my brother told him not to bother with this daughter of his and to just send it to the two sons. Apparently my brother‘s ex-wife feels the same way about my son because he tried to stay in touch with her after they split 15 years ago. She was a snob to my son when he saw her recently at a funeral.

I’m not gonna bother my brother’s ex-wife about it since she’s out of the family, but my niece will still be seen from time to time in the family. How would I bring it up? I can’t really scold my niece cause it’s not my child, but I’m pissed that she did this to my son who means nothing but the best when he does reach out too much and was far from being stalking.

What would you say? Merry Christmas, my son was totally not stalking you when he found out your location and showing up uninvited, I'm mad at you, and Happy New Year? Come on. That's deranged. If you want to talk with her, do it separately.

[Anonymous]

Do you typically understand social cues? Did you understand popping by at the restaurant unexpectedly with him might not be well received by everyone there?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have someone like your son in my life. He is a lot without realizing it. His parents have worked hard to help him not be so much, but at some point people are either comfortable with him or they aren't. I have seen that it's frequently females under 35 who are uncomfortable because they don't seem to understand that he isn't trying to be obnoxious--and I'm talking very mildly obnoxious.

There really isn't anything to say to your niece. Her boundaries are up and the only thing that might bring them down in time is for your son to leave her alone and not try to connect. If he sees her, it's just a Hello and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you typically understand social cues? Did you understand popping by at the restaurant unexpectedly with him might not be well received by everyone there?

Yep. I am generally well liked and I would never pop into a restaurant where people are meeting that haven't invited me--even cousins. And for you and your son to show up is sort of like you are stalking her. If people wanted him there they would have reached out. That hurts that they didn't, sure, but it is something you have to accept.