TLDR: DH doesn’t think I’m physically affectionate enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

OP here. I wish. We have a 4 bedroom house and 3 kids. No spare beds.

Part of the problem is that I do feel guilty, I guess. Even when he does go to sleep at the same time as me, I don’t really want him touching me as I fall asleep (lol that sounds so bad but ever since having the kids and having to get up multiple times a night for years, I have sleep problems. My biggest issue is falling asleep. I need things to be just so wrt light, noise, temperature etc.).

Ideally, I would be able to fall asleep with him spooning me. I mean, that’s what everyone wants out of marriage right? Lots of physical and emotional intimacy. But I get too hot nowadays for it. I used to be able to pre-baby and I’m sure he misses that. But what can I do? Just start getting less sleep? I feel physically unwell when I don’t get enough.

Why would you feel guilty about something so fundamental to your well being?

Explain to him what you did here. Your body has changed and you cannot fall asleep spooning. You're willing to give him affection during your non sleeping hours for however long it takes, but this is a non-negotiable.

If he cannot grasp that he's a big selfish baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to come to bed earlier to spoon.

This is the credited response. DH needs to change his schedule to accommodate a reasonable request to sleep.

[Anonymous]

My ex wife was like OP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex wife was like OP...

Thank you for that invaluable contribution. We learned so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

Ok here. See this is the thing though. We’ve had this issue in the past and I thought I solved it with the back/leg/foot massage. I do it every night for at least 15 min but sometimes it’ll go as long as an hour.

Then I go to sleep and he goes downstairs and usually goes to bed at 11/11:30.

Does the message not count as physical affection??

Sounds like he’s not counting it. Sounds like he means sex but wants to sound less crass so he’s calling it physical affection.

I’d start waking him up hella early and act upset if he didn’t perform on command so he can have a taste of what he’s serving you.

Don't threaten him with a good time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

Ok here. See this is the thing though. We’ve had this issue in the past and I thought I solved it with the back/leg/foot massage. I do it every night for at least 15 min but sometimes it’ll go as long as an hour.

Then I go to sleep and he goes downstairs and usually goes to bed at 11/11:30.

Does the massage not count as physical affection??

It counts but he wants to have sex. If you want to have sex but earlier, tell them that's what's on offer.
If he goes downstairs, he's done. He doesn't get a round 2 later.

If it's really just that he wants to cuddle to sleep and not have sex on these other days, same scheduling rules still apply.

What's so important "downstairs"? Why can't he go to bed and cuddle and sleep and wake up early and go downstairs then?

If you don't want to have more sex then you're already having, and he does, tell him he gets plenty as he can do the rest by himself on his own (no disrespect; it's healthy activity)


Why are you acting like a slave for this man? What is he doing to earn it?

[Anonymous]

You're giving him a nightly massage for at least 15 minutes and then he comes in when you're sleeping and wakes you up?! Aaah I'd kill him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

OP here. I wish. We have a 4 bedroom house and 3 kids. No spare beds.

Part of the problem is that I do feel guilty, I guess. Even when he does go to sleep at the same time as me, I don’t really want him touching me as I fall asleep (lol that sounds so bad but ever since having the kids and having to get up multiple times a night for years, I have sleep problems. My biggest issue is falling asleep. I need things to be just so wrt light, noise, temperature etc.).

Ideally, I would be able to fall asleep with him spooning me. I mean, that’s what everyone wants out of marriage right? Lots of physical and emotional intimacy. But I get too hot nowadays for it. I used to be able to pre-baby and I’m sure he misses that. But what can I do? Just start getting less sleep? I feel physically unwell when I don’t get enough.

This DOESN'T sound bad. Stop feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

OP here. I wish. We have a 4 bedroom house and 3 kids. No spare beds.

Part of the problem is that I do feel guilty, I guess. Even when he does go to sleep at the same time as me, I don’t really want him touching me as I fall asleep (lol that sounds so bad but ever since having the kids and having to get up multiple times a night for years, I have sleep problems. My biggest issue is falling asleep. I need things to be just so wrt light, noise, temperature etc.).

Ideally, I would be able to fall asleep with him spooning me. I mean, that’s what everyone wants out of marriage right? Lots of physical and emotional intimacy. But I get too hot nowadays for it. I used to be able to pre-baby and I’m sure he misses that. But what can I do? Just start getting less sleep? I feel physically unwell when I don’t get enough.

Why would you feel guilty about something so fundamental to your well being?

Explain to him what you did here. Your body has changed and you cannot fall asleep spooning. You're willing to give him affection during your non sleeping hours for however long it takes, but this is a non-negotiable.

If he cannot grasp that he's a big selfish baby.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're giving him a nightly massage for at least 15 minutes and then he comes in when you're sleeping and wakes you up?! Aaah I'd kill him!

+1

This man does not know how good he’s got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're giving him a nightly massage for at least 15 minutes and then he comes in when you're sleeping and wakes you up?! Aaah I'd kill him!

+1

This man does not know how good he’s got it.

She’s a doormat/people pleaser.

That’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

Ok here. See this is the thing though. We’ve had this issue in the past and I thought I solved it with the back/leg/foot massage. I do it every night for at least 15 min but sometimes it’ll go as long as an hour.

Then I go to sleep and he goes downstairs and usually goes to bed at 11/11:30.

Does the massage not count as physical affection??

It counts but he wants to have sex. If you want to have sex but earlier, tell them that's what's on offer.
If he goes downstairs, he's done. He doesn't get a round 2 later.

If it's really just that he wants to cuddle to sleep and not have sex on these other days, same scheduling rules still apply.

What's so important "downstairs"? Why can't he go to bed and cuddle and sleep and wake up early and go downstairs then?

If you don't want to have more sex then you're already having, and he does, tell him he gets plenty as he can do the rest by himself on his own (no disrespect; it's healthy activity)


Why are you acting like a slave for this man? What is he doing to earn it?

I would bet a million dollars he is "downstairs" watching porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s the gist of the issue. Even though I think I am plenty affectionate, it just never seems to be enough for him.

We have sex twice a week. I give him a back/leg/foot massage before I go to bed. We usually go to sleep at different times and lately an issue has been that when he comes to bed, he wants to spoon. I’m sleeping! It’s the middle of the night. And he knows that I can’t fall asleep this way. If he can’t have that, then he’ll start rubbing my side or backside which is arousing at the wrong time. Again, I was asleep. It’s 11 pm and I need to get up at 6:45. I need a lot of sleep to feel normal, he knows this.

Last night I kind of swatted him away and he said “you need to work on being more cuddly.” Of course I said the above things about sleep needs but he always discounts this because he doesn’t need as much sleep as I do.

How do I stop this without hurting his feelings?

You're thinking about this the wrong way. He needs to be more accommodating in order to have his needs met. He can go to bed earlier with you. Does he wake up at the same time as you?

[Anonymous]

When is DH massaging OP's feet?

[Anonymous]

Going to bed at 11 or 1130 isn’t that crazy. What time are YOU going to bed?