TLDR: DH doesn’t think I’m physically affectionate enough

[Anonymous]

That’s the gist of the issue. Even though I think I am plenty affectionate, it just never seems to be enough for him.

We have sex twice a week. I give him a back/leg/foot massage before I go to bed. We usually go to sleep at different times and lately an issue has been that when he comes to bed, he wants to spoon. I’m sleeping! It’s the middle of the night. And he knows that I can’t fall asleep this way. If he can’t have that, then he’ll start rubbing my side or backside which is arousing at the wrong time. Again, I was asleep. It’s 11 pm and I need to get up at 6:45. I need a lot of sleep to feel normal, he knows this.

Last night I kind of swatted him away and he said “you need to work on being more cuddly.” Of course I said the above things about sleep needs but he always discounts this because he doesn’t need as much sleep as I do.

How do I stop this without hurting his feelings?

[Anonymous]

Civil Protection Order

[Anonymous]

Tell him to come to bed earlier to spoon.

[Anonymous]

This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

YES!!! He sounds like a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

YES!!! He sounds like a selfish jerk.

+1 million

Pouting is such a turnoff. Don’t give in. I bet you usually do which is why he uses it as a tool. A tool for a tool.

[Anonymous]

I hate pouting but he sounds insecure in his attachment maybe do some looking into attachment styles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

OP here. I wish. We have a 4 bedroom house and 3 kids. No spare beds.

Part of the problem is that I do feel guilty, I guess. Even when he does go to sleep at the same time as me, I don’t really want him touching me as I fall asleep (lol that sounds so bad but ever since having the kids and having to get up multiple times a night for years, I have sleep problems. My biggest issue is falling asleep. I need things to be just so wrt light, noise, temperature etc.).

Ideally, I would be able to fall asleep with him spooning me. I mean, that’s what everyone wants out of marriage right? Lots of physical and emotional intimacy. But I get too hot nowadays for it. I used to be able to pre-baby and I’m sure he misses that. But what can I do? Just start getting less sleep? I feel physically unwell when I don’t get enough.

[Anonymous]

So he thinks you need to work on being affectionate at the EXACT time/way he wants it (when you're asleep, for example) but is unwilling to come to bed earlier to get the said affection. Uhm, no!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

OP here. I wish. We have a 4 bedroom house and 3 kids. No spare beds.

Part of the problem is that I do feel guilty, I guess. Even when he does go to sleep at the same time as me, I don’t really want him touching me as I fall asleep (lol that sounds so bad but ever since having the kids and having to get up multiple times a night for years, I have sleep problems. My biggest issue is falling asleep. I need things to be just so wrt light, noise, temperature etc.).

Ideally, I would be able to fall asleep with him spooning me. I mean, that’s what everyone wants out of marriage right? Lots of physical and emotional intimacy. But I get too hot nowadays for it. I used to be able to pre-baby and I’m sure he misses that. But what can I do? Just start getting less sleep? I feel physically unwell when I don’t get enough.

DO NOT feel guilty about this. You have three kids. Sleep is precious. He is a grown ass man and doesn't need to be spooned to sleep. He can deal.

[Anonymous]

What do you wear to bed? Maybe wear less and you won’t get as hot when he spoons you?

[Anonymous]

Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

Ok here. See this is the thing though. We’ve had this issue in the past and I thought I solved it with the back/leg/foot massage. I do it every night for at least 15 min but sometimes it’ll go as long as an hour.

Then I go to sleep and he goes downstairs and usually goes to bed at 11/11:30.

Does the message not count as physical affection??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the bigger person for now, and call in the debt later.

Tell him at 8, 9pm that he needs to get ready for bed by 10pm. At 10, remind him that he chose to ignore you all evening and you are going to SLEEP now, not cuddle.
Next day, remind him to fix his evening schedule.

The key is to put the words in his head before he goes to bed, so he already knows it's his fault that he failed at intimacy that day.

Also make sure he has time and space to "take care of himself" and go to sleep without you sometimes.

Ok here. See this is the thing though. We’ve had this issue in the past and I thought I solved it with the back/leg/foot massage. I do it every night for at least 15 min but sometimes it’ll go as long as an hour.

Then I go to sleep and he goes downstairs and usually goes to bed at 11/11:30.

Does the message not count as physical affection??

Sounds like he’s not counting it. Sounds like he means sex but wants to sound less crass so he’s calling it physical affection.

I’d start waking him up hella early and act upset if he didn’t perform on command so he can have a taste of what he’s serving you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a lack of affection issue. This is disrespecting personal boundary issue.

If he insists on coming to bed late and waking you up, then I'd either kick him to the guest room or move to another room myself.

This