SMBC in early 40s?
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Anonymous
| OP, I’m your age, divorced with a young teenager and am strongly considering this path. I say, go for it if you really want it! Don’t let others make you change your mind. |
Anonymous
| I'm a SMBC and had my baby when I was almost 42. Someone I know is divorced with split custody of an 8 year old (or around that age) and recently became a SMBC. The kids seem to do great together and it's a non issue with the older child being away at times. I say go or it if that is what you want. |
Anonymous
This is an anonymous chat room where, presumably, no one actually knows you. You, and only you, can answer your question. You could get pregnant immediately or go through IVF 10 times, get pregnant and miscarry. There are no finite answers. |
Anonymous
| I second the SMBC FB page- there is a DMV one and a more global/US one. From what I have read, your situation is fairly common! Good luck. |
Anonymous
This —-just to figure out your options. I adopted a child as a single parent, in my early 40’s. It worked out well for us both. I was more comfortable with that than creating a new child, knowing she would have no dad. |
Anonymous
| I adopted a child at 45. She was 2 years old. No regrets; just joy. Please consider adoption, and good luck no matter what you decide! |
Anonymous
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I had my son at 42, but with a partner. I will say that it's WAY more exhausting than I imagined 10+ years later. I need more sleep and breaks than I could ever have imagined. I would rather divorce, but I really rely on a partner to physically co-parent more than I would have predicted in my early 40s.
What does your extended family support network look like? Do you have someone who can care for your child when you are sick? Exhausted? Or would that all fall on your first child? What would happen to this child if you die? Are you ok with the fact that he'd be split up from his sibling without you? |
Anonymous
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First of all, thank you for learning from Donor Conceived People before proceeding.
The previous poster who spoke about how exhausting it is to have a small child in your 40's brings up good points. I'm 40 in a few months with two young kids and tired all the time and now feeling like it's a new job of mine to do strength training 2-3x per week to keep myself as healthy as possible going forward. My parents are local and now nearing 70 and they told me that they were not up for helping with another baby the way they were in years past. You said you have local support, but I wonder if you have actually spoken to people about this to see who is prepared to help in what way. If you do IVF you can genetically test embryos, but there are still unknowns about how IVF will go especially starting later. Would you consider an open embryo adoption with the genetic family in driving distance? That would mean making room in your heart for a different kind of extended family for the sake of your second child, but there are a growing number of these kinds of families. |
Anonymous
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Only you can decide. Lots of good points above. You only live once.
I had my one at 30, and am also early 40s with a tween. In a way I would also love another baby. Another consideration too is, having a tween is rewarding but I am finding it much more emotionally than an early elementary kid. There are issues, drama to talk through handling. We make quality time. There are also much more sports and social activities. |
Anonymous
Gently, yes, this sounds a little crazy. I am the same age as you and I think it is common at our age to obsess about "road not taken" type regrets. Seriously consider the impact this could have on your existing kid in all types of scenarios. |
Anonymous
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Why are women on this board always dso tired?
I became an smc at 43 and i loved my exercise routine more than ever as i could incorporate my daughter into it. She is now 16 and acts almost as my trainer. We love to do 10k runs and do yoga and pilates at home together. We are great cooks . I will miss her beyond belief when she is off to college. |
Anonymous
| My best friend used in vitro at age 45 as a single parent and it's the best decision she ever made. She went to a clinic where they can screen the embryos for health issues (due to advanced maternal age). |
Anonymous
A third grader and an infant doesn’t sound too hard. But Having a middle schooler and a two year old sounds hard. Different schedules and interests make it hard to bond, especially if the older kid is only there part time. Don’t underestimate the demands of a tween just because they can keep themselves alive - good parents stay involved with the kid’s activities, homework, and social life which takes more time (and money!) than I realized when my kids were infants/toddlers. |
Anonymous
| Find a single friend with a kid and become aunts for each other. |
Anonymous
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This is OP. I appreciate all the comments and input. I decided it would be too complicated for me personally to manage the dynamics of differences between the kids and the emotional impact of donor-conceiving or adopting. I'm just leaning into parenting the kid I have and building my life in other ways.
Good luck to all the caring moms out there doing our best! |